Lisa Kenney’s name tells people to call her “she,” but her appearance sometimes leads them to call her “he.” When her kids were little, they chose Father’s Day cards — complete with briefcases and baseball caps — to celebrate her. Now, as teens, they question whether they should refer to her as their “mom” or their “parent.”
The answer? “I’m OK either way,” says Kenney, executive director of Gender Spectrum, a nonprofit that promotes gender-inclusive environments for kids by educating families, organizations and institutions.
Some people, however, aren’t OK either way. They may have been born with female anatomy but identify as male and want to be called “he”; they may have been born with male anatomy but identify as female and want to be called “she”; or, no matter their anatomy, they may identify as neither male nor female, but rather as “gender fluid” or “nonbinary.” In this case, they may want to be called a gender-neutral pronoun like “they.”
“We’re really in a different gender universe,” says Kenney, who points out that even though the concept of a gender spectrum — or the idea that plenty of people fall somewhere between feeling entirely male or female — is nothing new, the language to describe it is. “I think it’s one of those generational gap issues.”
Planning on “coming out” to your family as gender fluid, nonbinary or any gender identity different than the one they know you as? Consider this expert advice first:
1. Weigh the pros and cons.
More important than being understood is being safe, says Juliana Martinez, an assistant professor at American University, where she studies gender and sexuality. “For many people, [coming out] is not a good option because of the harsh consequences [they] could face,” such as being expelled from their home or cut off from family finances, she says. If that’s a likely outcome for you, it’s probably best to cut your losses and hold your tongue — for now.
2. Consider your timing.
Family gatherings can seem like the prime opportunity to make big announcements (“I’m gay!” “I moving to Europe!” “I’m getting a divorce!”), but proceed with caution, experts say. “Holidays especially are bad times to do that kind of thing simply because these kinds of experiences can be laden with all kinds of other family stuff,” says lore m. dickey, a psychologist and assistant professor in Northern Arizona University’s Department of Educational Psychology who lowercases all letters of his name “because no one letter is more important than the others” (and because, frankly, he doesn’t like the way he writes a capital “L”). “It adds a kind of drama to what can already be a difficult family situation.”
[See: How to Enjoy a Stress-Free Holiday.]
If you’re committed to bringing it up now — perhaps you look noticeably different than you did at the last gathering and therefore can’t avoid it — pick a quiet time and place with the one or two family members you care about most, suggests Laurel Westbrook, an associate professor of sociology at Grand Valley State University in Michigan, where she studies gender and sexuality. “I would not recommend doing it at the dinner table with 20 family members at once,” she says. “Your parents don’t want to hear at the same time your second cousins hear.”
3. Come with definitions and resources.
While “gender fluid,” “cisgender” (not transgender) and “nonbinary” may be widely understood among your peers or colleagues, “even expressions like ‘gender identity’ are not familiar to most people,” Martinez points out. That’s why it’s important to come prepared with clear definitions for terms including ” sexual orientation,” or whom you’re attracted to; “gender identity,” or the gender you feel you are, regardless of your biological sex; and “gender expression,” or the gender you appear to be. “Keep it simple,” Martinez says. “Don’t go into a big lecture about how gender is a hetero-historical construct of a patriarchal society.” Instead, offer resources like PFLAG or Gender Spectrum where family members can learn more and find support in their own time.
4. Set expectations.
What do you want to get out of this conversation? Is it to be called by a new name? It is to be referred to as “they,” rather than “he” or “she?” Is it to request that family members quit asking you why you never wear dresses? Whatever it is, enter the conversation with a clear goal. “Don’t overwhelm people with a huge list of things,” Martinez says. “Explain to them why this is important to you and keep it at that.” It’s important to set the right tone, too, Westbrook adds. Read: You’re not telling your family you have cancer. “Coming into yourself is not the same as having a serious illness,” she says. “Have it be a conversation of joy rather than a conversation of drama.”
5. Seek an ally.
Before approaching more unpredictable family members, make sure you have a trusted ally — be it a cousin, teacher, sibling or family friend — to whom you can turn before and after the conversation for support. People who do that “know that no matter how that goes with family members, they’ve got someone they can have contact with who can support their identity and being true to themselves,” says dickey, who came out to his family as transgender 17 years ago. Early this year, he started My Bandana Project to provide hope for trans people who are considering ending their lives; some 40 percent of the population has attempted suicide. “Social support makes a big difference in trans people’s lives,” dickey says. If you’re particularly worried about a certain family member, you can also delegate the announcement to a supportive one, Westbrook adds.
[See: 9 Things to Say and Do When a Loved One Talks About Taking Their Life.]
6. Find common ground.
Asking your parents — who likely envisioned the person their little boy or girl would become before you were even born — to no longer consider you male or female can be jarring or worse. But finding common ground can soften the blow, Kenney says. For instance, ask them to consider what aspects of their personalities, preferred dress, interests or professions aren’t stereotypically male or female. “Start with what they might relate to, then the rest of it doesn’t feel so foreign,” Kenney says. “Emphasize the idea that you’re not changing,” Martinez adds. “You’re just reaffirming who you always were.”
7. Be patient.
Keep in mind that while you’ve likely been grappling with your identity for some time, your family members probably haven’t. “You need to give people time to process the idea and to educate themselves,” Martinez says. You also need to be understanding when they make linguistic mistakes. “Say, ‘I understand you’re all going to deal with this differently, and if you use a different name sometimes, that’s OK,” Martinez says. “I just don’t want you to do it on purpose.”
[See: How Social Workers Help Your Health.]
8. Set boundaries.
Dickey learned quickly that he could only come out to two people a day, lest he become drained. He recommends setting such boundaries for yourself and others by, for example, telling loved ones upfront that they may have questions you’re not prepared to answer or don’t feel comfortable answering. “I don’t have all the answers; bear with me,” Martinez suggests saying. “Emphasize that this is a process.”
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How to Talk to Your Family About Your Gender Fluid Identity originally appeared on usnews.com
