At the start of many romantic relationships, it’s natural for couples to feel like they can’t get enough of each other in bed. It’s also natural that over time, this intense sexual desire starts to wane. And sometimes, a disparity in sexual desire develops between the two partners, which can cause tension and misunderstandings in the relationship.
As Isadora Alman, a San Francisco-based sex therapist and marriage and relationship counselor, says, “It’s very rare that you find two people who want the same thing.” That only becomes a problem when people are unwilling to compromise, she adds — which typically begins with poor communication. “Not speaking up is almost a guarantee that you won’t get what you want,” she says, adding, “If someone is watching porn instead of talking to their partner or cuddling, certainly that is going to be detrimental to their relationship.”
[See: How to Find the Right Mental Health Professional for You.]
Finding Your ‘Sexual Number’
Los Angeles-based psychologist and relationship expert Seth Meyers helps couples struggling with desire disparity define their own sexual number, or index of desire. “To figure out your number, start by thinking of the number of days per week, on average, you would like to engage in intimate activity,” he says. “If it’s just one or two days per week, that reflects an average desire, so your number would be somewhere in the average range on a 1-to-10 scale.”
Meyers continues: “If a week came and went without that activity, you would be closer to a 4 if you didn’t mind much and closer to a 6 if it would bother you. For those who don’t need or want intimate activity every week, they would have numbers at the low end (1 to 3). For those who want that activity several days per week or more, they would be at the very high end (9 to 10).”
While most couples aren’t a perfect match, “as long as the numbers are in a similar range, the couple can make it work well,” he says. “If one person is very low and the other person is very high, the relationship will suffer with conflict and even infidelity. At the end of the day, people do what they need to do to get their needs met.”
Couples love this exercise, he explains, because it reminds them that sex drive is a purely individual phenomenon, and that they shouldn’t take the other person’s number personally.
That can be especially important for the partner with the higher sex drive to understand, because there’s a natural tendency for that person to feel rejected if his or her partner is much less interested in sex.
“The one with the higher sexual desire may feel really cheated, like ‘I got married, and I’m not getting my needs met,'” Alman says. “The one with the lower sexual desire is going to feel really put upon. Unless they’re just very loving and giving, it is always going to be a problem until it changes. If a couple is loving and giving, they can weather it.”
[See: What Only Your Partner Knows About Your Health.]
Coping With Changing Desires
Invariably, sexual desires are bound to fluctuate for both partners during a relationship, Alman adds. “There is almost always a tapering off after new relationship excitement. And then you have to sort of work on keeping things sexy.”
A woman’s sex drive may decline as she ages or when she has a child, since some of her own “touch needs” will then be met through the child. Other changes are subtler and more internal, so it’s important for people to self-monitor, says Roselle Paulsen, director of programs at the Sexual Education Resource Center in Winnipeg, Canada. “It’s an age-old opportunity to trust your gut,” she says, if you’re feeling uncomfortable with your own urges or your partner’s or are unable to function in your daily life, since relationships tend to bleed into other parts of our lives.
“Relationships are complicated, exciting and anxiety-producing,” Paulsen says, adding that the important questions to ask yourself if you are feeling uncomfortable are: Do I feel good about myself? Am I able to do other things in life? Do I feel respected? Am I providing respect to partner? Am I caving in to something? “If we [as a couple] can’t talk about these issues, then that’s red flag.”
Another cause for concern is if sex is too prominent in an otherwise disconnected relationship, adds Meyers, author of “Overcome the Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love you Deserve.” “If sex seems to play too important a role in the relationship, it’s time to ask yourself how much in common the two of you truly have.”
But perhaps the most important thing in resolving a disparity in sexual desire is getting the issue out on the table. “Typically, we’re trained to not talk about sexual issues,” Paulsen says, but it’s important for couples to overcome that taboo and any concern about hurting the partner’s feelings. If it’s too hard to do alone, that person should consider counseling, she adds.
[See: 10 Ways to Break a Bad Mood.]
And, Alman says, realize there’s no such thing as too much or too little sex in a relationship. “I know of a couple who had sex every single day for 30 years,” she says. “There are perfectly happy couples who are not having sex. Their life is a good one, and they haven’t touched each other in 15 years.”
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Dealing With Sexual Desire Disparities in Relationships originally appeared on usnews.com
