Many of us were taught as children to never talk to strangers. But for adults, talking to strangers even briefly is beneficial and makes us happier, according to a new book and several academic studies.
In “When Strangers Meet: How People You Don’t Know Can Transform You,” author Kio Stark — an adjunct faculty member at NYU’s Interactive Telecommunications Program — makes the case that even brief interactions with strangers can boost our outlook and sense of well-being. Such interactions can help us feel connected to other people and even help fulfill our need for intimacy, Stark writes in her book, which was published in September.
“Talking to a stranger is, at its best, an exquisite interruption of what you were expecting to happen when you walked down the street or rode on a bus, shopped at the grocery store or wandered around a museum, whiled away some time on a park bench or waited in a slow, slow line,” Stark writes. “When something unexpected happens it calls you to full attention, turns your awareness outward to the world. You are awake.”
[See: 10 Tips to Lighten Up and Laugh.]
Even quick interactions such as exchanging hellos can improve our state of mind, says Amy Morin, a Maine-based psychotherapist and author of the book “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.” “It boosts your mood when you’re walking around thinking about your day and get a quick hello from a stranger,” Morin says. “We’re all connected on social media and through texting, but it’s important to have those social connections. That real hello can make you feel better and more connected to other people.”
Stark and Morin acknowledge that initiating conversations with strangers could be stressful. Here are four strategies people could use in a variety of situations to initiate discussions with people they don’t know:
1. Don’t assume other people don’t want to talk to you.
When we see people standing or sitting alone on a bus, on a train or in a waiting room, we often believe they would rebuff any attempt to start a conversation — and that’s a mistake. It may not be a good idea to try to start a conversation if someone looks like they are in a hurry, Morin says. But the fact that someone is alone doesn’t necessarily mean he or she would not welcome social interaction. “Other people are probably nicer and friendlier than you give them credit for,” Morin says. “If you show a nice smile and say hello, you will find that other people want to chat, too. Don’t assume that other people will be standoffish.”
2. Go on an expedition and notice the shoes people are wearing.
To develop experience talking to strangers, walk around the block or down the street and say hello to everyone you pass by, Stark says. It may feel silly or awkward, but it loosens you up and makes it easier for you to start conversations with strangers.
Giving a compliment is also a good way to initiate a chat. “[Shoes] are very neutral, and people often have stories about their shoes,” Stark says. Say something nice that another person won’t misconstrue as provocative. You should pay careful attention to a person’s demeanor and body language; if you’re approaching someone who’s not meeting people’s eyes, don’t bother trying to talk to him or her. Don’t say something about a person’s appearance or body that could make them feel objectified or harassed. Context is important: Someone could say “God bless you, baby” to a woman while ogling her and that would be “just another come-on,” Stark writes.
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
3. Try the triangulation method.
Notice something or someone that is near you and a stranger and make a comment about it, Stark says. Pick out something that both of you could see easily. Comment on a piece of public art, for example, or something in the sky or kids who are riding their skateboards.
You might ask whether the person near you sees the full moon or comment, “Wow, I can’t believe the tricks those kids on skateboards are doing!” Stark says. “It might start a conversation. If it doesn’t, that’s not a big deal, either. The key is doing things like this often enough that it feels more natural and you have the opportunity to have lots of positive experiences, even if there are a couple of awkward ones. It’s like exercise. You should do it at least a few times a week.”
[See: 10 Ways to Break a Bad Mood.]
4. Disclose something personal about yourself.
Telling a stranger something personal about yourself can lead to a rewarding conversation, Stark said in a talk she delivered at the TED2016 Dream conference in Vancouver, Canada in February. If you feel comfortable talking to a stranger, tell them something about yourself that is deeply personal. For example, talking about the death of a loved one could lead to a feeling of being understood.
Sometimes in conversation someone will ask her about her father, Stark explains: “And sometimes I tell them the whole truth, which is that he died when I was a kid. Always in those moments they share their own experiences of loss. We tend to meet disclosure with disclosure, even with strangers.” This could lead to an unexpectedly deep conversation.
Stark loves talking to strangers. Her 101-page book is a combination of her observations from talking to people she doesn’t know, interviews with other people about their experiences doing the same and background from 36 scientific studies and books published between 1961 and 2014. One of the studies she cited is “Mistakenly Seeking Solitude,” which was published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2014. Study participants were directed to ride on buses and commuter trains in the Chicago area and to sit in a simulated waiting room. The researchers had some of the participants initiate a conversation with a stranger and report how it made them feel. Other study participants were asked to adhere to their typical routine or to not talk to anyone.
Study participants who talked to strangers on buses and trains reported having a significantly more positive commute than when they sat in solitude on commutes, according to the study. Actor and writer John Lutz, who had a role on the NBC sitcom “30 Rock,” took part in the study and talked to a woman he didn’t know on a bus downtown. “It brought up my high-school anxiety about talking to someone I didn’t know. I was strangely nervous about it,” Lutz says. “For about the first five minutes that I was on the bus, I was overwhelmed. Everybody who got on the bus immediately got on their phone or put in their earbuds. At the second or third stop, I knew I had to talk to someone or I wouldn’t complete my task. A young lady sat next to me, and I immediately engaged with her. I asked her if she rode this bus a lot and whether she knew a good place to eat. We talked for three minutes. It put me in a good mood.”
More from U.S. News
11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health
9 Things That Are Surprisingly Good for Your Health
10 Gross Things You Should Stop Doing in College
Talking to Strangers Is Good for You: 4 Ways to Spark Conversations originally appeared on usnews.com
