We live in a stressed-out society. Most people, if asked, would tell you that they’re too busy, too stressed, overworked and overwhelmed. Most of our stress is self-made. If we’re honest, we have to admit we take on too much. We stay in toxic office environments and relationships because we’re too stuck to move on. We stay up watching Netflix and not getting enough sleep. We choose fast food instead of real food because it’s, well … fast and easy. We sit at meals, during our commutes, then at work all day. Afterwards we hit the couch or recliner. We abuse our bodies in a thousand ways each day, then wonder why we’re stressed out. But what about the really stressful situations? What about that loved one going through a truly terrible time? They lost their job, or their mate or their child. They got hit with a cancer diagnosis, have no medical insurance and can’t afford the Affordable Care. They are stuck in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, but don’t know how to get out. They struggle with mental illness. How do you help someone whose needs are so overwhelming that they engender “compassion fatigue” in you and everyone else around them?
Listen. That’s the most important thing you can do. Most people don’t need someone to fix them or the situation. They just need someone to listen calmly and without judgment. Active listening where you mirror that loved one’s thoughts and feelings back to them is a very powerful tool for helping them get the strength they need to push forward through this difficult time. How do you actively listen?
— Calm down. Take a few deep breaths.
— Remove distractions. Turn off the phone and TV and focus.
— Let go of your need to talk or “one up” or swap stories. Just listen quietly.
— Ask good questions. “Why…” “How did that feel?”
— Reflect: “So what I hear you saying is… (rephrase and repeat their dilemma).”
— Assure: Don’t try to fix it at this point. Assure them that they are smart and capable and you have full confidence that they will figure this thing out. Assure them that if they need help executing their plan, you are there for them.
Observe. Watch their lives to see if you can pinpoint where their stress is coming from. Does this person eat right? Sleep well? Have healthy boundaries? Suffer from addiction? Work in a toxic environment? See if you can help pinpoint where the bulk of their stress is coming from. Gently point out what areas may be causing them undue or unnecessary stress. Help them address the stress and move on.
[See: 8 Ways Meditation Can Improve Your Life.]
Encourage them to “keep on keeping on.” Pushing through hard times or challenging situations is not always what we want to do. Both physics and neuroscience show us that humans are designed to push through, to struggle, to sometimes fail and sometimes prevail. Encourage your loved one to “target the struggle” and push through. Pushing oneself to face up to a challenge, and choosing to go just beyond that difficult circumstance where one has to apply oneself in focused ways, increases brain power.
Help them reflect on and learn from their mistakes. Most of us want to scapegoat or bury our mistakes, hoping and praying that no one will ever find out. But slowing down, acknowledging and correcting errors activates the circuits in and around the basal ganglia of the human brain to go in to high learning and neuroprotective mode. Learning from mistakes, getting up and trying again enables us to increase intelligence, happiness and a sense of achievement. Effortless performance is not a desirable way to learn and grow as a person. Help that person focus on the process of becoming, instead of the outcome or their present situation.
[See: What Keeps You Young?]
Give them grace and margin. Grace is unmerited favor. It is something we don’t earn, and something we don’t have to pay back. Margin is like money in the bank that they can use for a rainy day. When we add margin to our lives, we have reserves left over for when things get hairy. But if someone has been carrying a weight that is too heavy for too long a time, then they have no margin. Our hearts thrive on human connection, and we can be that for others. Noticing them, appreciating their intrinsic worth and taking the time and emotional energy to connect with them on a soul level can literally rewire the brain and change the trajectory of the other’s life. What does this look like? It looks like taking their kids for a weekend so they can rest and relax; helping them at their place of business; paying off some pressing bill, or paying to get their car fixed so they can continue to get to work. If you can’t specifically help, put them in touch with someone who can. There are thousands of ways to help others at their point of need if you just ask the simple question, “How can I best serve you?” or “What can I do to make your life a little easier?”
The great part is that even though you are acting altruistically for the good of the other person — listening, encouraging, helping and giving — there are great benefits for you as well. Several recent scientific studies show that volunteering to help others with no thought of what you can get out of it (altruism) enhances the immune system, lowers cholesterol levels, strengthens cardiovascular function and reduces stress. That’s what we call a win-win situation.
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
Dr. Pete Sulack has seen more than 1 million patient visits over the last 14 years in Tennessee, validating his unique approach to health and wellness. His studies on the effects of chemical, mental, physical and emotional stress, coupled with testimonials from patients and attention in medical communities, have garnered him the title of “America’s Leading Stress Expert.” Dr. Pete Sulack is also the founder of Unhealthy Anonymous, a 12-step program comprised of successful strategies to reverse the negative effects of stress, as well as the soon-to-be-launched StressRx.
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How to Help a Loved One Who’s Stressed originally appeared on usnews.com
