For years, the Cole sisters kept their distance. Like many siblings separated by a significant age difference, Kim and Caroline drifted apart around Caroline’s middle school years. They had different tastes in music, friends and hobbies, and varying perspectives about the world around them. Until, that is, their mother Barbara’s diagnosis with Alzheimer’s disease taught them a new, shared life lesson: Family is everything.
More than 5 million Americans have Alzheimer’s disease, according to the Alzheimer’s Association’s 2016 Facts & Figures Report, and as many as 16 million will likely have the disease by 2050. Barbara and her husband, Rich, of Stafford, Virginia, went to specialists for years before she was finally diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease in 2010 at age 53. Alzheimer’s — like any other disease — impacts the entire family, says Beth Kallmyer, a social worker and vice president of constituent services at the Alzheimer’s Association. “But with Alzheimer’s disease, it goes on a lot longer,” she says. In the Cole sisters’ case, that meant healing old wounds to tackle their mom’s care as a united front. Here, Kallymer suggests ways family members who haven’t always seen eye to eye can resolve their own issues and come together to care for a loved one:
[See: How Music Helps People With Alzheimer’s Disease.]
Lean on each other. Everyone has a different reaction to news that a parent has been diagnosed with a chronic disease. “That’s part of what makes the disease so difficult,” Kallmyer says. Consider checking in with family members and asking how things are going, Kallmyer says. You might find that a previously lackluster relationship blossoms once you begin sharing your feelings and coping together. While Caroline’s first instinct was to pull away from her sister and other family members, the Cole sisters did reconnect — but it took five years. Now, “We can bolster each other’s confidence and ability to handle this, cheer each other up and root for each other and the whole family,” Kim says. Kallmyer says it’s good to say to your sibling or family member, “Hey, we’re in this together, so we’re going to do the best we can do.” People often rise to the occasion when news that a loved one has been diagnosed with a disease emerges. And you might be surprised by what your sibling has to say when you listen, she says. “Sometimes building strong relationships through communication can get better, even when the disease is getting worse,” Kallmyer says.
[See: 5 Ways to Cope With Mild Cognitive Impairment.]
Divvy up responsibilities. Kallmyer suggests setting up regular family meetings to form a plan of action. In more urgent medical situations, like if a family member was undergoing unexpected surgery, his or her loved ones might only have one opportunity to make an appearance. Alzheimer’s means long-term care, which typically requires sharing responsibilities. But often, the majority of the disease burden falls on the shoulders of one caregiver. Talk about who will assume which responsibilities for the next three months — from driving a person to and from doctors’ appointments, completing daily check-ins or making financial decisions. If an eager-to-help family member lives across the country and can’t physically be present, he or she can perhaps research nursing homes or help manage the person’s finances. “That way, everyone finds a piece they’re going to handle,” Kallmyer says. “But recognize that someone is going to drop the ball sometimes, and you have to forgive them.”
[See: Easy Ways to Protect Your Aging Brain.]
Seek outside help. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. “Some families just can’t come together. They weren’t really cohesive beforehand, and maybe they’re just too dysfunctional,” Kallmyer says. Depending on the situation — whether it’s communication with other family members or caregivers or having a clear plan of action to make sure your loved one gets the care he or she needs — a little extra help can’t hurt. The Alzheimer’s Association, for example, provides care consultants to families who need help bridging gaps between family members and health care workers to ensure everybody is on the same page. Care consultants can help each family member learn how dementia or Alzheimer’s affects the person living with it — and what family members should expect, too. The consultant is available to visit the family home to meet with the family and the person diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. He or she will work through difficult transitions, such as taking away driving privileges or managing medications and doctor’s appointments. Sometimes, an outsider’s perspective can bring families together in ways they didn’t previously think possible.
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How to Come Together to Care for a Loved One With Alzheimer’s originally appeared on usnews.com
