Are you spending precious time online searching for caregiving advice? Warning: There’s a lot of information to sift through as you try to find those kernels of tried-and-true information. What’s a busy caregiver to do?
There’s one source of real-time information from people on the front lines: other caregivers; those folks primarily responsible for the care of a family member.
They understand what you’re are going through. If you invest your limited time wisely, you’ll feel uplifted and energized by the support of like-minded people experiencing the same things you are. They’ll even laugh at the everyday caregiving experiences that others just don’t get.
However, if you were raised like me — to suck it up and get over it and to keep family matters private — then you’ll need to get desperate (like I did) before following this advice. (This article’s aim is help you avoid making the same mistakes I did.)
While in the throes of caregiving, I resisted attending support groups. I’m college-educated — heck, I even have a postgraduate degree! I don’t need support group! I can read about what I need to know. Then I grew desperate with uncertainty and worry. What if my father locks himself in the bathroom and turns on the hot water? Nearly all caregivers hit that point when we need information from those in-the-know and could honestly use some support from like-minded people.
Support Group? But I’m Too Busy!
While juggling more than a full-time job and caregiving for my father who lived with dementia, I took him to the local adult day care center for a change of pace in his daily routine. I was clueless on how to care for a dependent human being, let alone my father who was 49 years my senior. How do you care for a man who at age 87, was living with Alzheimer’s, which made him forget, become disorientedand even grow stubborn and ornery?
Every weekday, I drove my father to the adult day center and picked him up; I’d always have a question for Roberta, the adult day services administrator. Sometimes, a concern would grate on my mind until I picked up the phone and called her. Each time, Roberta would answer and gently encourage me to attend their weekly caregiver support group meeting.
Eventually, she gave me an ultimatum. “Brenda, the questions you ask can be best answered in support group. You’ll get better answers from the caregivers who attend than you will from me. I will not answer any more of your questions. You need to attend support group.”
“I don’t have time for support group,” I pleaded. “Please just answer this one question.”
She held her ground, “I won’t answer any more of your questions, because I know how much you’ll benefit by attending support group.”
I didn’t like her response at first, but what choice did I have? How can I help my father get in and out of my small convertible more easily? The list of questions I had grew weekly as my husband and I cared for my father in our home. I made time to attend support group. Despite feeling out of place being in my 30s among people in their 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s, I took pages of notes. Fellow caregivers answered questions I hadn’t thought to ask yet! Finally, I met people who understood what I was experiencing. What a comfort!
Even though Roberta passed away shortly after retiring, her role in my early development as a caregiver helped lay the foundation for my caregiving expertise that now spans 20 years.
Here are just some of the benefits you’ll gain by attending a support group.
1. When the chemistry clicks, you’ll feel like family.
You may feel a kinship tighter than family because you share a common struggle. You have a deeper appreciation for what it takes to thrive. Family members tend to withdraw for their own reasons, which may feel unfair to the primary caregiver. When I had to fly 1,800 miles across the country to manage my father’s affairs and eventually move him into our home, I resented my brother who lived in our father’s home for being “too busy” and my sister who lived nearby for not being able to “deal with” the situation.
2. You’ll learn more from people on the front lines of care.
Today, there is more known about, in my case, caring for someone with dementia. Primary caregivers are growing more aware of what works and what doesn’t. Add to this the increased number of people with dementia (and other diseases and illnesses) who are willing to speak openly. Their words raise our understanding and help reduce stigmas. By learning from those on the front lines of care, you’re better equipped to ask more informed questions of your loved one’s team of medical and care professionals.
3. You’ll feel strength and emotional support from like-minded people.
Oftentimes, people don’t get it and find it unpleasant to visit someone whose cognitive abilities prevent appropriate responses. A caregiver gradually feels alone. In support group, fellow caregivers understand your frustrations, joys and concerns. When I joked about strangling my father in a moment of frustration, they laughed. They’ve all been there. When I mentioned this to my friends who knew me well, they looked dumbfounded and feared my father might be in danger. Fellow support group members understood and I felt strengthened by their support and motivated to provide better care for my father.
4. Enjoy unexpected opportunities.
As support group members grow closer and feel more like a family, they may decide to meet beyond the support group. We met at a different restaurant each month for a luncheon, giving us a two-hour respite from caregiving. After learning that some caregivers would be alone for the holidays, I began hosting holiday potlucks at my home. What a wonderful time to spend with people and even some of our loved ones as we learned new recipes and traditions while sharing many joyous moments. I even learned about making turkey stock. It’s been nearly two decades and I still whisper “thank you” to Curticine, who taught me not to toss a Thanksgiving turkey carcass.
Support groups meet for diverse reasons beyond caregiving. People with various diseases and illnesses will connect with others to learn more about living with their disease. Whatever your need, there is likely a support-group meeting in person or face-to-face online via Zoom, Skype or Google Hangouts. And the online groups offer the added benefit of perspectives from people around the world.
If you haven’t yet, carve out time to connect with others in person or virtually. The members of my support group became my second family and ultimately, my life support group.
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Caregivers: 4 Reasons Support Groups Will Be Your Lifeline originally appeared on usnews.com
