Clueless comment or friendly feedback?
You run into an acquaintance and can’t help but notice how much thinner she looks. You could A) screech, “Is that really you?” or B) Calmly say, “You look great,” and move on. But something about major weight loss sets off gushing praise, nosy questions and strong opinions from family, friends and co-workers. Here are some comments better left unsaid — along with positive remarks to make instead.
Only Grandma gets away with this.
Jodi Edsall of Lehighton, Pennsylvania, had weight-loss surgery six years ago. Ever since, the comments keep coming. “Even my grandmother, she’s 90 years old — she’ll grab my face: ‘Oh, you don’t look like Jodi.'” Grandma gets a pass, but everyone else: Hands off. And yes, it’s still the same person.
Respect boundaries.
For many people, losing weight is private, including how much they lost and how they lost it. While Edsall says she’s an open book about having bariatric surgery, others may not want to discuss the procedure or even reveal they had it. “Don’t probe,” she says. “If the person wants to say something, they will.”
Don’t assume.
Why harp on appearance? “The best course of action is to leave the issue of weight out of it,” says James Fell, a syndicated fitness columnist and author of “Lose It Right.” “You may not know the reasons for the weight loss,” he says. “It could be illness-related, even mental illness. People often regain after having lost — and your earlier praise can compound their sense of failure if the pounds do come back.” Fell adds: “It’s fine to give compliments in regards to how people are more energetic, or look great, without bringing up the subject of body weight.”
Bad case of the blurts.
“Oh my God, are you dying?” Paul Giancola, of Chicago, who had bariatric surgery last year, recalls his favorite comment, blurted out by a co-worker who hadn’t seen him for several months. “He was referring to the dramatic weight loss and how thin I’d gotten,” he says. “[The] only response I could think of was, ‘I’m feeling great — the weight loss is on purpose.'” Giancola took the comment in a positive light: “He meant no offense and was genuinely concerned I was sick.” Still, he says, “it took a while for the initial shock to wear off.”
‘You look so much better now.’
That’s a backhanded compliment at best, say registered dietitian Keri Gans, author of “The Small Change Diet” and a U.S. News Eat + Run blogger. “On the one hand, it’s encouraging, and people are proud of the weight loss,” she says. But before-and-after comparisons can bring back insecurities from when people were heavier, she adds. Instead, she suggests, acknowledge the person’s efforts toward eating better and being healthy.
‘Wow, you’re starting to look normal.’
If that’s a compliment, who needs insults? This is just one common unhelpful reaction, says Dr. Robert Huizenga, head of The Clinic by Dr. H, a multidisciplinary facility in Los Angeles, and author of “Where Did all the Fat Go?” Even distant acquaintances feel obliged to say something. “We exist in a looks-driven society,” Huizenga explains. “Significant transformations elicit an instant, visceral reaction. Unfortunately, a majority of us have insufficient filtering ability and instantly blurt out comments — some of which, though meant to be complimentary, are poorly worded and we later regret.”
No ‘easy’ route to weight loss.
Less benign for Giancola is when people tell him he took the easier way to weight loss — that he should have just exerted more self-control and avoided bariatric surgery altogether. “I normally respond to the effect that all of us need different things to succeed, and for me to be successful with my weight, I needed the surgery,” he says. “If the person is nasty or mean, I will get more aggressive in my response, but I try to avoid doing this as it’s counterproductive.”
‘So how much weight have you lost?’
Lori Thomas, 44, of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, is grateful for the support she received after her 2011 gastric bypass — others just being there for her, showing interest and letting her know how proud they were. But Thomas says the two questions she could have done without were the daily, “So how much weight have you lost now?” and later, “You’re not going to lose anymore, are you? You’re too skinny now.” She thinks it takes time for others to adjust to seeing people reach lower weights in the normal range.
Skip dessert remarks.
“Go ahead, finish it — you can afford to,” Edsall often hears as she limits herself to a couple bites of dessert. “I’d eat it if I were you.” Back when she was heavy, she recalls, people didn’t comment about what she ate. Now, she notices, how much she fills her plate is open to discussion. “They don’t think it’s offensive anymore,” she says.
No prodding, please.
People who maintain weight loss have learned to control how much they eat, Gans says. Prodding them to put more on their plate is not a favor. “They don’t owe anybody an explanation,” she says. “No thank you, I’m full,” is answer enough.
Keep spin positive.
“There’s sometimes a little bit of jealousy” behind certain comments, Gans says. Warning people they’re “losing too much weight” (when they’re not) is one. The best response for that kind of concern is “Thank you,” Gans says. “What else can you say?” It’s easy to gauge when someone’s happy to talk about their weight loss, she says. In that case, it’s fine to ask, “How did you lose it?” Staying positive is the important point, she emphasizes.
Support is always welcome.
Huizenga, who also serves as an expert on the cast of the “The Biggest Loser,” describes the right way to react: “The best comments successful fat losers get is that their transformation has been inspiring — that it has motivated fellow office workers, family or friends to up their game and improve their lives, too.”
‘You’re still you.’
One of the best “after” comments Edsall heard came from a childhood friend: “You’re just more of Jodi — you’re more of yourself.” After spending years feeling “invisible,” she says, and now trying to live her life to the fullest, that feedback was incredibly supportive.
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What Not to Say When Someone Loses Major Weight originally appeared on usnews.com
