Gulp. Not my daughter (or son)!
First, the bad news: Your daughter told you she thinks she’s fat. Now, the good news: Your daughter told you. “It’s always good when your child is coming to you … because that means they are looking for someone they trust and care for to give them some feedback,” says Scyatta Wallace, an associate professor of psychology at St. John’s University. But what that feedback is and how you deliver it is important, since the issue can become more serious with time. Here’s how experts say parents should respond.
1. Get the facts.
Sadly, you’re hardly alone if your child is worried about his or her body size. Among elementary school girls, 40 to 60 percent are concerned about their weight or becoming too fat, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. Other research suggests such concerns can begin as early as age 3. That’s complicated by the fact that more than one-third of American children and adolescents are overweight or obese. In other words, your kid might be right.
2. Understand the influences.
Why are body image concerns so rampant at such young ages? A lot of that has to do with exposure to more forms of media earlier in life, Wallace says. An earlier age of puberty onset may also be a factor, adds Alice Rubenstein, a psychologist in Rochester, New York.
3. Bite your tongue.
Before saying much or taking action, listen. “That moment is really just a moment to acknowledge them, make them feel good, make them feel loved and cared for because that child is very vulnerable,” says Wallace, an expert in teen issues. What not to do? Ignore it — or launch into diet and fitness advice.
4. Say, “You’re beautiful inside and out.”
Kids, they’re just like us. They, too, like to hear things like, “You’re perfect just the way you are.” But be sure to temper your praises with recognition of their good qualities outside of appearance, says Charlotte Markey, a psychology professor at Rutgers University and author of “Smart People Don’t Diet.” “We want them to think of themselves as more complete people with personalities, intellects and other interests,” she says.
5. Ask, “Why would you say that?”
Gently inquire about where the comment came from. If it’s puberty-driven, education about what’s normal can be helpful, Markey says. If something happened at school, be wary of bullying. Then, take a cue from Rubenstein: She often asks her middle school-aged patients to name which peer has the longest hair, for example, or who has the most freckles. “I try to show them variations on things outside of body weight,” she says.
6. Ask yourself, “Is it true?”
If so, turn the focus on the family’s health since “it’s pretty rare for a child to be overweight and … be the only person in the family who’s struggling with those issues,” Markey says. For example, plan to eat in more often or to take weekend bike rides. “It’s not, ‘You have to lose weight now,'” Wallace says, “It’s, ‘As a family, we want to be healthy.'”
7. Find a “safe” hobby.
Rubenstein encourages young patients to get involved in something “safe” like a school’s stage crew. “‘Safe’ means that there’s a task at hand that defines the group; it’s not open-ended,” she says. Research suggests that sports, too, can boost children’s self-esteem, and may also help kids appreciate what their bodies can do, not just what they look like.
8. Look in the mirror.
In Markey’s research, she found that moms who are concerned about their weight are more likely to have daughters — as young as 5 years old — with similar worries. To model healthy body image, rid your lingo of negative self-talk (“I’m too fat for this dress”), conversations about diet (“I can’t eat that”) and judgments about other people’s appearances (“he needs to lose weight”). Focus on health and body diversity instead.
9. Get help.
While only a small percentage of kids who say they think they’re fat will eventually develop eating disorders, more are at risk for disordered eating patterns such as meal skipping or exercising too much, Wallace says. That’s one reason Michael Yogman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child & Family Health, recommends consulting a pediatrician who can “emphasize that kids come in all shapes and sizes … and help children focus on a healthy lifestyle.”
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What to Say and Do If Your Daughter Thinks She’s Fat originally appeared on usnews.com
