Four nights a week, Lauren Jones-Ankarlo doesn’t kiss her husband good night.
The freelance tour guide in the District of Columbia spends many of her days trekking through the city and most of her nights crashing before 11 p.m.
Her husband, Kris Ankarlo, maintains the reverse routine. As a radio journalist on the night shift, he usually leaves the house before his wife comes home and doesn’t return until 2:30 in the morning.
“Sometimes it stinks that we’re not the normal couple that has every evening and weekend off together,” Jones-Ankarlo says. But, she adds, “like anything else in life, we just make it work.”
Statistically speaking, the newlyweds are outliers: Most couples operate on similar sleep-wake schedules, in part because people are more likely to meet (and fall in love with) others who are out when they’re out and in when they’re in, says Wendy Troxel, a behavioral and social scientist at the RAND Corporation.
But, she says, “plenty of couples have mismatched schedules,” whether it’s because they simply have different preferences or because their careers make discordant patterns necessary. “We have to work, we have job demands, we have all sorts of things that interfere with our ability to make these choices,” Troxel says. “So what’s a couple to do?”
That’s a good question. After all, some research spells trouble for such setups: Small studies have linked mismatched sleep schedules with lower relationship satisfaction, greater conflict and lower intimacy, Troxel says. Her research has also shown that women who go to bed earlier or later than their partners report lower relationship satisfaction the next day than women who tuck in at the same time as their honeys.
To compound the situation, other research highlights just how much a relationship can be affected by sleep — something that’s often fleeting for couples who are coming and going from bed at different times. One study, for example, linked lack of sleep with more frequent and intense conflict, and less making up, within a relationship.
“People … don’t always put two and two together to realize just how much lack of sleep might be leading to other problems,” says the study’s lead researcher, Amie M. Gordon, a postdoctoral scholar at the University of California–Berkeley. “Is your partner actually being more irritating today, or are you just less patient because you didn’t get enough sleep?”
And suppose you sleep like a rock? You’re not immune to the consequences of your partner’s sleeplessness. “If your partner doesn’t sleep well, you are less able to accurately read their emotions during conflict,” Gordon says.
But mismatched sleeping patterns don’t have to be, well, something to lose sleep over, Troxel says. For one, research shows that many of the troubles stemming from incompatible sleep patterns can be alleviated with good problem-solving skills. “Healthy relationships, day and night, are about healthy problem-solving and negotiating and finding a way so that both partners’ needs are met,” she says.
If you’re a lark in love with an owl (or vice versa,) here’s how experts and seasoned couples say to maximize sleep quality while minimizing conflict:
1. Make practical adjustments.
Some of the simplest things couples can do to sleep sounder when one partner tends to disrupt the other’s sleep are the same things any light sleeper might do to log more ZZZs: Wear an eye mask, pop in ear plugs or crank up the noise maker.
For Jones-Ankarlo, sleep got easier when she and Ankarlo moved from an apartment where the only bathroom was in the bedroom to one where it’s outside of the bedroom. Now when Ankarlo comes home, Jones-Ankarlo no longer wakes to the sound of rushing water or a flushing toilet. “It’s a saving grace,” she says.
If moving seems drastic, try stocking toiletries in a bathroom or near a sink outside of the bedroom. In some cases, couples may even decide to sleep apart some nights of the week. That’s not a problem, Troxel says, so long as couples come to the decision together and make up that alone time later. “Realize that the ultimate goal is to protect the relationship — not to seek greater independence,” she says.
2. Plan ahead.
When Jones-Ankarlo knows she’ll have to get up at 4 a.m. to catch a flight for a work trip, she’ll sometimes ask Ankarlo to sleep on the couch when he gets in. That way, she can log that last hour or two without disruption.
The pair also tries to minimize their time fumbling in the dark while the other is sleeping: Jones-Ankarlo will lay her next day’s clothes on the couch outside of the bedroom, and Ankarlo will do the same with whatever clothes he plans to wear to bed. “It’s all about being prepared, really,” Jones-Ankarlo says.
3. Re-imagine bed time.
Sleep, of course, is only half of what can get disrupted when partners operate on different schedules. The other half is the relationship. “For many couples, that time in bed before going to sleep is sometimes the most precious time and the most important time,” Troxel says. “So I think couples can use that, sort of knowing what that space and that time means.”
For example, if one partner stays up later than the other, the pair might try to spend some time together in bed before the first one tucks in. Or, if both partners overlap at home at, say, 5 p.m., why not clock some alone time then?
The key, Troxel says, is asking what you’re missing and finding a way to reschedule it at a time that suits you both.
“It doesn’t necessarily mean that couples go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time and have sex right before bed,” she says. Rather, it’s “couples finding the times that work for them and [getting] their needs that happen in bed met. It’s both about the physical intimacy, and it’s also the feelings of safety and security and just being a couple unit.”
4. Use it to your advantage.
And now for the good news: There are actually some benefits of not mirroring your partner’s sleeping patterns. For Jones-Ankarlo and Ankarlo, one is being able to relax in silence after their long days or nights at work. “I don’t have to use my voice and talk to people, because that’s all I do all day long is talk,” Jones-Ankarlo says. “When he gets home after an 8-hour radio shift, he doesn’t have to talk to me; he can rest his voice.”
On the weekends, she’ll sometimes rise early and go to the gym, and he’ll stay up late to work on stories. Then, when they’re both awake, they can spend that time together.
Discordant sleep patterns can also be a blessing in disguise for new parents, Troxel says. She’s worked with couples in which the father, a night owl, takes care of the baby during the night — giving him time with the child during his alert hours, and the mom time to rest during her sleepy ones.
“It’s just an example of [how] it’s not all doom and gloom for couples who are mismatched,” Troxel says. “It’s recognizing that difference and then using it to your advantage.”
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Help! My Partner and I Go to Bed (and Get Up) at Different Times originally appeared on usnews.com
