My immigrant parents were members of the Greatest Generation. Both worked hard to capture a piece of the American dream. My father came of age in America during the Depression, my mother immigrated later. Both lived frugally and reused things until they were worn — from cars to clothes. They saved everything. Three years after my mother died, my father started showing signs of dementia. My husband and I agreed to move him into our California home. Afterward, I returned to Wisconsin twice to clear out the rest of their possessions (45 years worth) and to sell their (my childhood) home.
I learned valuable and poignant decluttering lessons before, during and after these years with my father and have shared that knowledge with families and professionals. These coaching lessons, which built upon my earlier work reducing clutter, are included in my book, STUFFology 101: Get Your Mind Out of the Clutter, co-written with Eric Riddle. Here are two tips to get you started, followed by five steps to ensure you succeed.
Be Patient
In our fast-paced world, even those who pick up items and feel no joy still can’t let go. While quick-fix methods sell a lot of books, consistent effort over time yields lasting results. Like many failed diets, following the newest fad may work until the clutter ( weight) returns.
[See: U.S. News’ 38 Best Diets Overall.]
You can’t order your parents to get rid of their accumulated possessions. They will respond more openly if you engage them in the process of decluttering, which will take time. Initially, you’ll feel that you’re hardly making any progress. But small steps repeated with patience will reward you with great results. When you stick with the process, something clicks and you’re able to clear the clutter faster.
Share Stories
After my mother passed, my father invited me to take some of her things. I had my eye on one item in the silverware drawer. I invited my father to the kitchen where I retrieved an old wooden spoon. My mother used it to stir soups and stews. When the aroma grew too tempting and I’d pester her repeatedly, she’d raise that spoon and threaten me. My father didn’t believe me and suggested I take the newer one. I removed the old wooden spoon and today it remains a symbol of my mother’s tasty meals. I even smile when I recall those times she disciplined her rambunctious youngest child.
During the last visit with my father while he lived in Milwaukee, I asked him if I could look through his file cabinets. He was a private man and being the first to leave home, I knew very little about his affairs. He had so much paperwork, I knew I would only get through a fraction during that visit.
Opening one of the four-drawer metal file cabinets next to his wooden desk, I found a brown composition book from 1928. After high school, he took night classes in English. Through his writing assignments I read about his last visit with his father 10 years earlier. He was only 8 and after that visit, his father’s fate was sealed during the Armenian Genocide. His mother had the wisdom to head to Constantinople (Istanbul), where they made arrangements to emigrate to America. My husband asked my father if he recalled the name of the ship they had sailed on. While my father could not recall it previously, in that moment, he blurted out, “Pannonia.” We looked up the ship’s passenger record and sure enough, he was listed with my grandmother as they entered the U.S. through Ellis Island.
[See: 14 Ways to Cope With Mild Cognitive Impairment.]
Follow S.T.U.F.F.
In “STUFFology 101,” we use the S.T.U.F.F. acronym to help people declutter. S.T.U.F.F. stands for Start, Trust, Understand, Focus, Finish.
Start talking with your parents, now. Help them understand that a great burden will fall on you if they don’t work with you, now. Most parents don’t want to cause a hardship for their children. Yet, it’s hard to let go of a lifetime of possessions. Start with small steps. To feel comfortable with the process, start letting go of the easier things like expired prescription medications in the bathroom.
Strengthen their trust in you with periodic and gentle reminders to let go. Be patient. Rushing your parents will result in resistance. They’ll feel you don’t understand or care or have their best interests at heart. Once you lose their trust, it’s hard to regain. You may need to call another family member to step in.
[See: 14 Ways Caregivers Can Care for Themselves.]
Understand that it will take time to let go. Their possessions did not appear in one day. Their lifetime of possessions likely hold an endearing emotion or special memory. Encourage them to share stories about some items you find interesting. Let them know what the item means to you. Maybe they’ll give it to you. Loved ones find it easier to part with items they know will be valued.
Focus on one area at a time. Because of all the mental effort required to decide which items to let go of, decluttering becomes overwhelming and exhausting. Find the time that works best for you. Depending on your timeline and the urgency, schedule a couple of hours each week or a morning or afternoon session once every other month. If you live far away, you may need to sacrifice a few periods of your busy life. I carved out “vacation time” for a week or two once or twice a year after my mother died to help my father.
Guide your parents gently. Don’t make it stressful. Remember, to be successful, you can’t lose their trust. Besides, the more you accomplish now, the more stories and memories you’ll enjoy without having to deal with so much stuff later.
Once you finish an area, agree on which area you’ll work on next. The hard part is getting started, and this approach will make it easier to return to decluttering the next time. As you apply consistent effort, each area will be easier to tackle. Your confidence will rise as you work together. Through your actions, your parents will see that you understand and prioritize their needs.
Depending on how much stuff your parents have and how emotionally tied they are to their things, the process may take weeks, months or even years. While your goal is to eliminate clutter, it’s important to preserve and strengthen your relationship with your parents. If you don’t have the time or patience, find someone who does –be it a sibling or a professional.
A benefit of surviving this process is that you will be more mindful of your own possessions and the future burden on you and your family. Besides, it’s easier to take care of S.T.U.F.F. before you’re forced to act during a crisis. As you reduce the burden of physical clutter, you’ll start feeling lighter and have greater mental clarity. It’s the reason we say: “Get your mind out of the clutter.”
More from U.S. News
How Music Helps People With Alzheimer’s Disease
Easy Ways to Protect Your Aging Brain
The Best Ways for Nursing Home Residents to Stay Active
Helping Mom and Dad Declutter originally appeared on usnews.com
