WASHINGTON — At some point in life, we all experience a traumatic event — whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the termination of a job or the end of a marriage.
In the thick of it, overcoming these adverse times may seem impossible. Facebook COO and “Lean In” author Sheryl Sandberg felt that way after the unexpected death of her husband in 2015.
But with help from family and friends, including guidance from Wharton psychologist Adam Grant, Sandberg recovered.
Grant and Sandberg’s new book, “Option B,” details Sandberg’s personal insights on coping with catastrophe and shares Grant’s research on how humans can overcome even the most painful of events. Grant recently spoke with WTOP and shared four findings from this latest project to help navigate troubled times.
Pushing past the ‘three p’s’
There are three traps that get in the way of moving past adversity — psychologists refer to them as the “three p’s.” The first is personalization, which is when people place the blame on themselves. The next “p” stands for pervasiveness — the feeling that the loss is going to ruin every aspect of one’s life. The final “p” represents permanence — the thought that the pain will last forever.
“I think avoiding those traps is a really important part of the coping process. To say, ‘Look: Not everything that happens to us happens because of us,’ and that when something goes wrong in one part of your life, there is still good in other parts of your life,” Grant said.
Instead, it’s best to keep things in perspective and know that just because life feels really terrible now, does not mean it will feel the same way in three months or even three weeks.
Things do get better.
Gaining gratitude
When researching resilience, Grant was surprised to learn that people who experience tragedy not only bounce back from it, but “bounce forward” and go through what psychologists call post-traumatic growth.
“Now, this is not to say that they think their lives are better, overall. They might be sadder, they might think that their lives are worse. But more than half the people who go through a traumatic event actually walk away with positive changes — sometimes, that’s feeling stronger, saying, ‘Look, I lived through this, I can survive almost anything,’” Grant said.
Many people gain a deeper sense of gratitude after a loss and even appreciate life more than before. Grant says building that gratitude is one key to building resilience.
“Whether it’s counting a few things to be grateful for each week or writing gratitude letters to people who matter to you, that’s one way of reminding yourself of why life is worth living and what good exists in your life,” he said.
Don’t just offer, act
When someone else you know is going through a hard time, Grant says even the smallest act can make a big difference. However, all too often, we don’t act. We offer with, “Please let me know if there is anything I can do.”
Grant says this well-intentioned attempt shifts the burden to the person who is in pain. It asks them to be aware of their needs and then to feel comfortable enough to ask for something.
“Instead of offering anything, it’s much more powerful to just do something,” Grant said.
When a friend of Grant’s was recently in the hospital with a sick child, a friend texted him and said, “What do you not want on a burger.”
Another friend sent a message that said, “I’m in the lobby of the hospital for the next hour for a hug, whether you come down or not.”
“And those small things, just doing something — offering something specific — makes it a lot easier for the other person to respond. I know I would like to do a better job at that, and I think other people might too,” Grant said.
Don’t shield kids, rely on them
One of the biggest points Grant found in his research is that kids need to feel like they matter, and often, adults forget to show kids that they’re willing to rely on them. Grant says this is a pretty simple fix.
“One of my favorite things to do as a parent is to think about a difficult situation that I’m facing and ask my kids, ‘What do you think I should do here?’ It shows them that you value their advice and it also gives them a chance to think through how they would deal with hardship,” he said.
Not only will relying on your kids prepare them for life’s major events, but Grant says it will also ready them for the smaller things as well, such as failing a test, forgetting lines in a school play or not making the basketball team.
