(CNN) — It’s been a hard day. The worst thing you could do is reach for the chocolate chip cookies that taste like the ones your family always had when you were a kid – right?
Not necessarily, said Jennifer Rollin, founder of The Eating Disorder Center in Rockville, Maryland.
Eating driven by emotions, otherwise known as emotional eating, is often painted as scary, unhealthy, and out of control, but the truth is that it is very normal and can be part of a healthy relationship with food, she added.
Of course, there is a line where emotional eating can become unhealthy, but it is important that people embrace nuance when it comes to ways of eating, rather than apply strict rules and shame-based strategies, said Robin Klein, a weight-inclusive eating disorder dietitian in Fort Washington, Pennsylvania.
It may be time to put emotional eating into proper perspective and learn how to work with it, rather than against, for a healthier relationship with food, experts said.
What is emotional eating?
Food is inherently emotional, Rollin said.
You can probably think of particular foods you eat as part of a cultural tradition, when you are connecting socially or when you are celebrating an accomplishment, she added.
“If you think about it, our lives are centered around food. Food can be really comforting, and a lot of us build traditions in all of our cultures around food that is nostalgic and sentimental,” Klein said.
Human bodies are also built to enjoy food, so it makes sense that when you are feeling strong emotions, you reach for something that tastes or feels good, Rollin said. You shouldn’t shame yourself if eating something you enjoy is one of the tools in your coping toolkit.
“We don’t shame ourselves for the use of other coping tools,” she added. “Simply eating a food, sometimes for emotional reasons, is not a problem and not something that you need to judge or beat yourself up for.”
Like most coping tools, the context matters, Klein said. Are you eating to enjoy something delicious after a hard day or in celebration of a milestone? Or are you avoiding addressing a larger issue?
“We can’t ever say this is entirely good or this is entirely bad without knowing the big picture of what’s going on in somebody’s life,” she added.
The problem with food as fuel
Shouldn’t we just remove the emotion from food and think of it as just fuel to keep our bodies going?
That doesn’t always work either, Rollin said. “Yes, food is fuel … and provides energy for our brain and bodies, but it’s also so much more than that,” she said.
Sometimes, when people get too wrapped up in only eating the most nutrient dense foods, they miss out on a lot of the moments that involve food for pleasure, socialization and connection, Rollin said.
“If our vision is that food is just fuel, then it seems like going out for dessert with a friend when I’m not hungry maybe isn’t a ‘healthy option,’” she said. “However, we know that actually, social relationships are one of the biggest predictors of health and longevity.”
Another concern is that too much restriction can often backfire into binge eating, said Natalie Mokari, a registered dietician in Charlotte, North Carolina.
“Bingeing is generally a result of feeling like, ‘I shouldn’t do this, but I’m going to do it … and I’m going to do it in excess, because I’m never going eat it again,’” Mokari said. “It’s kind of this feast or famine thing.”
When to worry about binge eating
There is a line, however, when emotional eating does become a problem, and that often happens when eating is a person’s primary way to cope, Klein said.
It is important to be mindful of how often you are eating to cope with difficult emotions and if you have other strategies to process those emotions as well, she said.
Some warning signs that you are relying too much on food to cope or engaging in binge eating include: eating larger quantities than most people would in a short time, feeling a loss of control, feeling guilt and shame, eating in secret, and often eating way past the point of fullness, Rollin said.
“If you’re if you’re eating more than you feel comfortable eating, and then you’re engaging in restricting or purging or compulsive exercise, that would be another sign that your relationship to food is problematic,” she added.
How to recalibrate
A healthy relationship with food revolves around flexibility and balance, Mokari said. Can you give yourself permission to eat all kinds of foods while not feeling out of control?
The first step toward a healthier relationship with emotional eating is mindfulness, Rollin said. Instead of either restricting or reaching for the food without thinking, become aware of what purpose the food is serving and what needs it’s meeting, she said.
Maybe you are coping with boredom or stress. Maybe you want to engage with a family custom or mark an occasion with a birthday cake.
That mindfulness can also be helpful when evaluating your values, Rollin said. Is it important to you that you be known as someone who can go to a birthday party without eating cake? Or is it more important that you make memories with the people you love? Are you someone who always avoids underlying issues? Or do you want to cope while also solving bigger problems?
The key is to evaluate your values, your approach, and your relationship with food with curiosity rather than judgment, Klein added.
People can “think about it almost like they are a detective gathering data about themselves,” she said. “Is this something that is becoming a problem? Is it something that I am only coping with through food? Are there deeper layers here that need to be worked through?”
And whether you are struggling with giving yourself permission to eat, or with binge eating, it can be helpful to seek help from a therapist or dietitian that works in disordered eating, weight inclusive and anti-diet fields, Klein said.
“Making sure you go to the right type of professional is really important so that you can process some of the feelings that you’re having and not feel shame or guilt or like you’re doing something bad or wrong,” she added.
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