Many new couples face a challenge in the holiday season — figuring out how to split time between their own family and their partner’s.
Rachel Dack, a licensed clinical professional relationship counselor based in Bethesda, Maryland, said it starts with communication with your partner about what the ideal holiday season looks like.
“Think about your relationship or your marriage as a clean slate, and then try to integrate whatever you want to bring in, and then also develop new holiday traditions as a couple,” Dack said.
That could look like merging past traditions and coming up with new ones.
“Digging deep and reflecting around what are your own values and what’s the meaning that you want to give to the holidays as a couple,” she said.
Even if there’s pressure from your families, she said to try to stay on the same page.
“Without sounding totally cold, and only coming from a place of being completely realistic, you are not responsible for everyone else’s feelings or holiday joy,” Dack said. “It’s going to be impossible to please everybody.”
Depending on the couple’s circumstances, hitting two homes in one day could do the trick, or rotating celebrations of Thanksgiving and winter holidays between sides of the family.
“If somebody is trying to keep score down to the second, that’s not going to work for anybody,” Dack said.
But sometimes, it could mean celebrating just the two of you.
“There’s a difference between spending time with your family or your partner’s family because it’s important to you and to each other, and not just doing that because it’s what’s been done before or it’s important to your extended family,” she said.
Outside of geographical constraints, Dack said to think about family dynamics, such as divorces, deaths or other factors that could play into holiday plans. When opening a conversation with your partner about holiday plans, she said to avoid talking negatively about their family.
“If you feel like the conversation is getting tense or your partner’s not listening or being defensive, then I think it’s important to acknowledge that for both of you, there’s compromise that goes into this, and it’s not going to look the same,” she said.
Whatever game plan is strategized, Dack said you should handle telling your own parents.
“It’s easy for families to paint the partner as the bad guy,” Dack said.
And when you break the news, she said to have a delicate and loving conversation with your family.
“Also validate that it’s hard for your parents not to see you on a certain holiday that you’ve always been together,” she said.
She recommended sharing your holiday plans well in advance.
“Don’t keep everybody hanging and feeling anxious to the last minute,” Dack said. “Make the plans in advance. If you’re going to travel, where are you going to stay? How long are you staying?”
It’s also normal to have growing pains when spending the holiday away from home.
“As excited as you are to spend a holiday with a partner, and a partner’s family, you might feel kind of sad about missing it with your own family,” she said. “Just know that that’s OK. But if you can focus on each other and making these new memories and shared experiences with your partner, I think it will also feel better.”
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