Kids of all ages who I see in my office often tell me that their parents are stressed.
Sometimes they describe the morning stress that starts their days off on a negative note — yelling, rushing and more yelling before they even leave the house. Others talk about the evening stress: They’re late for a sport, they haven’t finished their homework and dinner isn’t ready.
Sometimes they share their kid-sized understanding of snippets of conversations they overhear when their parents think they are fast asleep for the night. Make no mistake, parental stress has an impact on kids, whether it be the yelling they endure or the added tension they feel. Stress has a trickle-down effect in families.
Parents are often surprised by how much their kids seem to notice at home. It’s the natural instinct of the parent to protect the child from negativity and grownup problems. But kids are naturally curious and intuitive. They know when something is amiss and may expend great effort to understand the problem. Kids also tend to internalize that stress and react accordingly.
[See: 9 Tips to Tame Work Stress.]
According to the American Psychological Association’s Stress in America survey, a growing proportion of adults report that stress impacts their physical and mental health. One-third, or 33 percent, of adults report changes in sleeping habits, 32 percent report headaches and 27 percent report an inability to concentrate due to stress. Not only that, 47 percent of adults report losing patience with or yelling at their partner, and 46 percent report similar behavior with their children because of stress.
Stress happens. All families experience varying degrees of stress at different times and for different reasons. That said, it’s important to be aware of triggers of parental stress to address these and better cope, before it trickles down to the kids. Here are some examples of common triggers and types of stress:
— Time demands
— Career stress
— Marital/relational stress
— Personal health concerns
— Health concerns affecting the family
— Managing parenting responsibilities
— Self-doubt and uncertainty
As important as it is to know your triggers, it also helps to understand the many ways stress manifests in adults. Yelling and feeling overwhelmed are surface symptoms that tend to show up when parents hit their limits. When I help parents work through their stressors and pinpoint early warning signs, I find that many symptoms are either ignored or misinterpreted at times. Watch for these sneaky symptoms of adult stress:
— Physical symptoms: headaches, digestive problems, frequent or prolonged colds, racing heart, chest pain or dizziness
— Cognitive symptoms: racing thoughts, memory problems or difficulty concentrating
— Emotional symptoms: constant worry, irritability, or feeling agitated, overwhelmed or isolated
— Behavioral symptoms: changes in eating habits, sleep disturbance, avoiding social interaction or procrastination
When parents are in a compromised state, it’s only natural that some of that emotional overload reaches the kids. Even when parents are able to remain calm and avoid yelling, kids pick up on the tension in the home and experience stress, anxiety and other negative emotions as a result.
[See: 8 Ways to Relax — Now.]
Honing your coping skills is essential to decreasing your own stress and the overall stress level in the home. Different strategies work for different people, so you have to find tools that are both effective and easy for you to use. It’s great to talk about the many benefits of meditation, but if you know that you won’t make time for it, that’s not a realistic coping strategy for you.
Try a few of these:
Set realistic expectations for the family. One thing I find over and over again is that families are running on stress. If kids are caught up in doing it all, someone has to get them there, and that burden falls on parents who are stretched thin. Kids don’t need to do it all.
I encourage parents to put all of their daily obligations on a wall calendar and then stand back and look at it as a family. Talk about what happens when families lack downtime. Then ask each family member to give up one activity for the time being. Chipping away at the culture of busy takes time. It can be difficult to take that first step. Once you do, you’ll find that giving your family the gift of time helps restore a feeling of calm.
Practice relaxation strategies. Decreasing your stress level requires time and practice. You can’t just will stress away — you have to make it happen on your own terms. Carve out a period of “me time” each day (you can even add it to your calendar), and engage in any of these relaxing activities:
— Exercise. Daily physical activity helps alleviate the symptoms of stress.
— Meditate. Try the Stop, Breathe, & Think app to practice daily meditation and mindfulness.
— Listen to music.
— Do yoga.
— Write in a journal.
— Try adult coloring books.
— Read.
— Take a walk.
Increase your support network. Social support helps reduce overall stress levels. When people feel connected, they’re more likely to reach out for help. The more you increase your support network, the more lifelines you have. To do that, you need to open yourself up to others. Talk about your stress level, and seek support from friends and family. Work out schedules to carpool, trade child care or help each other with groceries to assist in carving out that much-needed downtime for each of you.
[See: 10 Fun Kid Activities for Adult Bodies and Minds.]
Parenting is messy, complicated and exhausting. You don’t have to be a superhero. Reaching out to others and asking for help opens the door to honest communication about the obstacles parents face. When parents break down that stigma and stop pretending to have it all figured out, they help each other and experience decreased stress as a result.
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How Parental Stress Negatively Affects Kids originally appeared on usnews.com
