At 18, 20 and 22 years old, my children are not as malleable as they once were. But each time they receive a gift, I still remind them to express appreciation. When they are guests, I check to see that they thanked the host before leaving — even when it’s family. To be sure, they usually roll their eyes as if to say, “Really mother, I know how to be polite!” That’s OK — I remind them anyway.
Many parents tell me they’re exasperated that their child doesn’t say thank you without urging or appreciate privileges, instead regarding them as entitlements. However, the desire to express gratitude and the ability to do so do not come naturally for children. Beginning at a young age, these skills must be taught and then regularly reinforced. But, is it really worth the effort? In fact, it is.
Being able to feel and express gratitude have been correlated with happiness, optimism and better quality relationships, as well as physical and mental health. In other words, when you invest the time and make the effort to teach your child the value of appreciation and thankfulness, not only will other people notice it, but you will arm them with emotional strength. That will improve their quality of life, now and in the future.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Kids, teens and even young adults are developmentally self-centered. They see the world primarily from their own point of view until they are offered guidance for how to see it from another’s perspective. School is an excellent place for kids to learn gratitude and empathy. However, research consistently shows that when it comes to raising emotionally healthy kids, parents have a greater impact than any other influencer. In other words, if your child doesn’t exhibit these behaviors, it’s time to get to work. Here are some strategies I’d suggest:
Be a role model. Your child pays much closer attention to your behavior than she does to your advice, so it’s important to practice what you preach. Speak openly about appreciating the kindness of others, and say thank you often, even for small things. My husband sometimes fills my car’s gas tank, and often cooks dinner. I thank him every single time — never taking it for granted — and tell my kids that I am grateful to have such a thoughtful husband. He models similar behavior for them. This type of daily expression of gratitude sends a powerful message to children that appreciation is an integral part of all relationships, and that isn’t just reserved for receiving gifts.
[See: How to Break 7 Unhealthy Habits.]
Prepare in advance — every time. If you’re heading to a party or family gathering that you fear might be a bore for the kids, remind your child to smile, say thank you and engage in conversation, irrespective of how she feels. Sulky behavior will hurt the host’s feelings and embarrass you. Similarly, if you’re hosting a birthday party for your child, before he opens a pile of presents in front of the gift-givers, whisper to your child that regardless of his true feelings, each unwrapping should be met with an appropriate thank-you. Remind him that discussions about returns and exchanges will be saved for later. Prompt a thank-you at the end of a party, even if you must stand with your child and help to elicit the words.
Don’t underestimate the value of thank-you notes. Many parents think it takes too much effort to have a child write a thank-you note, perceive their children as too busy to burden them with another task or believe the verbal thanks was enough. But none of these is a valid reason to give your child a pass on writing thank-you notes. Of course, it’s important for the gift-giver to receive the note. Of even greater importance, however, is teaching your child that other people’s generosity and feelings are of value, and that gifts are not entitlements.
Perhaps you write the note for your child? This does acknowledge the gift-giver, but it does not teach your child important life lessons that help him become a grateful and grounded adult. If your child is very young or has a learning disability that makes it difficult to write the note, it would certainly make sense for you to write part of it or help him type the majority and then add a written signature. Nothing short of your child’s best effort is acceptable.
[See: Apps for Kids with Chronic Conditions.]
Teaching gratitude and appreciation is not always easy. It takes vigilance and may involve arguments with your child. However, the rewards gained in raising a caring, appreciative child are well worth all your efforts.
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The Importance of Raising Grateful Children — and How to Do It originally appeared on usnews.com
