Your 12-year-old son demanded an electric scooter and an iPhone during the holidays, and you bought both without question. Now, your little angel already has big plans for his birthday in a few months: He’ll take a selfie stick and Beats headphones. No matter how much you give, it never feels like enough. He always wants more — and knows you’ll pull through.
Sound familiar? Perhaps your child has entitlement issues — and enabling those tendencies can be troublesome for both kids and parents.
Of course, you want the best for your child. That’s perfectly understandable, says Amy McCready, founder of the Raleigh, North Carolina-based Positive Parenting Solutions — which teaches parenting skills via classes, individual coaching sessions and an online course — and author of “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.” Perhaps you’ve stashed an abundance of unnecessary snacks in your bag “just in case” your unruly toddler throws a tantrum while you’re out running errands. Or maybe you’ve let your teen’s curfew slide a few times too many. Here’s how to figure out if your kid is entitled, why it’s happening and how to change the trajectory before he or she reaches adulthood:
Red Flags
Until age 5 or 6, it’s natural for children to think the world revolves around them, explains Dr. Monisha Vasa, a psychiatrist in private practice in Newport Beach, California. As some children enter their tween and teen years, parents will notice a shift to a more balanced focus on his or her needs and those of others. When that shift doesn’t occur, kids can become a bad influence on those around them, Vasa says: “There’s an element of self-centeredness or self-absorption,” she says, adding that kids aren’t always aware how their thoughts, speech and behavior affect other people.
Such self-centeredness becomes a problem when it’s consistent and interferes with kids’ emotional development and ability to take on age-appropriate responsibilities, McCready says.
If you’re worried your kids are too entitled, keep an eye on whether they believe they have a right to things — as opposed to working hard to earn them, says Edward Christophersen, a child psychologist at Children’s Mercy Hospital–Kansas City. “They have a right to be on the swim team, the baseball team; a right to Facebook, cellphones and iPads and staying up late,” he says. “They think it’s normal, and that’s part of the entitlement.” Other warning signs include:
— Self-obsessed. Technology and social media are partially to blame, McCready says, making the pace of life so fast that instant gratification is the norm. “It really reinforces the ‘it’s all about me’ attitude,” she continues. “Adults and kids are taking selfies every split second. Why wouldn’t kids think it’s all about them?” Kids might develop a habit of turning every conversation back to themselves, making conversation partners feel unimportant. They also might demonstrate a tendency to over-share how they feel about things — leaving little room for a back-and-forth discussion.
— Won’t take no for an answer. In young children, this manifests as a temper tantrum, McCready says. Older kids will constantly badger and negotiate: “Why can’t I?” and “Everybody else gets to.”
— Acting helpless. Younger children will say, “I can’t put on my shoes. I need you to do it.” Pro tip: Don’t give in to the demand. Older kids might say, “I need help doing my homework,” or “I can’t do my own laundry.” They can, and they will.
— Expecting to be rescued. Entitled kids don’t take personal responsibility for their actions because they know someone will rescue them. This is true for kids who need mom to wake them up for school every day or repeatedly ask dad to bring those forgotten gym clothes in so they don’t get a poor grade. “If we as parents are constantly intervening, we’re robbing them of taking on responsibility to learn from their mistakes and learn the resilience they need as young adults,” McCready says.
— Refusing to help around the house. Different families need different levels of help around the house, and these days, parents are more likely to stop asking for help entirely — especially when kids whine and fuss about chores, McCready says. Giving in to this kind of behavior send a clear message: Do nothing, and expect everything in return.
— Lack of gratitude. It’s not just about saying “thank you.” It’s focusing on what’s important in life: health, family and relationships. Feeling gratitude means appreciating things that are often taken for granted, such as running water and a warm meal on the table each night, says Vasa, author of the gratitude-promoting children’s book “Saying Thank You.” When kids get used to receiving things without stopping to think about where they came from, entitlement can sneak in.
How to Curb Entitlement
If you suspect your child is entitled, you can do something about it — today. “The first [step] is encouraging both mindfulness and gratitude, even when kids are young,” Vasa says. “Helping kids realize from a young age that there’s always something to be grateful for helps develop a greater awareness of our blessings and what we’re fortunate to have, and takes the focus away from, ‘I need’ or ‘I want,’ in order to be happy.” Here are ways parents can intervene:
Expect more. Give kids age-appropriate jobs around the house, such as setting the dinner table, cleaning mirrors or windows, folding laundry or taking out the trash every day. This will teach kids what they’re capable of, McCready says. Think of each task as sending a message that what kids do matters to the overall good of the family. That goes for toddlers up to teens, McCready says. Pinpoint age-appropriate jobs around the house, so by the time they graduate high school or college, your kids are ready to face living on their own.
Just say no. Perhaps it seems obvious, but Vasa encourages parents to quit saying “yes” to the demands and requests of children and teens who abuse privileges. Kids will learn they won’t always get their own way. “Kids may want our attention all of the time. Consider saying, ‘I need 10 minutes to take a shower and then I’ll be with you,'” Vasa says. “Or, ‘I need five minutes to make this phone call, and then I’m happy to talk to you.'”
Don’t run to the rescue. If your daughter forgets her lunch occasionally, take it to her. But do let your children know they’re old enough to remember to bring completed homework and sports gear to school, and to wake up on time in the morning without being hassled. Try saying, “I’m not going to remind you or get involved anymore, and if you don’t take responsibility, you will have to accept the consequences that go along with that,” McCready says.
Create an allowance system. If you’ve gotten into the habit of handing $5 here or $10 there to your demanding teen every time he or she wants something, heed McCready’s advice: Set up a monthly allowance that includes all extras, such as toys, video games and clothing, shifting financial responsibility into your kids’ hands. “By the time they graduate from high school, they’ll have experience managing a budget,” McCready says.
Encourage volunteer work. Whether they’re done solo or with friends or family, service activities such as volunteering at a food drive, reading to older adults at an assisted living facility or offering to help clean up a local park can encourage a sense of gratitude. At first, your son or daughter might only be interested in participating in such activities to bolster his or her college application. “Afterward, you can still have the dialogue [about] how it felt to help someone else,” Vasa says.
Look inward. “It’s important for parents to have their own practices of mindfulness, gratitude and compassion for themselves and others on a daily basis,” Vasa says. Kids will notice that their parents are reaching out to others, being considerate of others’ needs, and practicing kindness and compassion in whatever arises.
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Is Your Kid Entitled? originally appeared on usnews.com
