When Joe and Suzanne McIlhaney moved into The Legacy Willow Bend in Plano, Texas, they didn’t expect the senior living community to become the setting for their future wedding.
After all, both were married to other people when they first became residents. Joe and his wife moved to the community in 2010 following her Alzheimer’s disease diagnosis in 2008. Suzanne and her husband, also diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, moved in 2014.
Suzanne, now 89, first met Joe at his twice-monthly Bible study.
“I can honestly say that neither one of us looked at each other romantically,” 90-year-old Joe says.
Joe’s wife’s memory worsened, and she required more care, necessitating a move to memory care and ultimately a nursing home environment. She passed away in 2018.
“Once she went into memory care, I moved from my villa at The Legacy Willow Bend to an apartment there,” Joe says.
That apartment was below Suzanne’s third-floor one. Suzanne, whose husband’s disease followed a similar progression as Joe’s wife, was widowed in 2021.
[SEE: 12 Ways to Help a Loved One Grieve.]
Dating as Seniors
In 2022, Joe invited Suzanne to dinner.
“We talked so much that we closed the restaurant down,” Suzanne recalls.
Joe remembers thinking that Suzanne was “pretty cute.”
“Something sparked that night,” he adds.
From that point on, the two began seeing each other.
[READ: How to Make Friends as an Adult]
Navigating Family Dynamics
On the way home from a trip to Nacogdoches, Texas, Suzanne brought up the topic of marriage.
Without hesitation, Joe turned to her and said, “So, will you marry me?”
Suzanne said yes. Then, one week later, Joe withdrew his proposal.
“I was so upset because I was in love with him,” Suzanne recalls.
While Joe’s family was comfortable with the relationship, Suzanne’s children weren’t ready.
“They knew Joe and knew he was a good man, but they just didn’t want their mother getting married so soon after their dad died,” she explains.
This kind of reaction from adult children of widowed parents isn’t unusual.
“Adult children experience many emotional and difficult thoughts when they begin to navigate a widowed parent remarrying,” says Julia Breur, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Florida and New Jersey.
Such feelings, according to Breur, can include:
— Feelings of disrespect and disloyalty to the deceased parent
— Inheritance concerns, including anxiety over adjustments to an existing will, estate or family trust
— The need to accept changes to the family’s hierarchy and roles
“I advise the parent who is remarrying to take steps that carefully consider the way they communicate and interact with their adult children,” Breur says.
This approach includes:
— Allowing adult children the time to adjust to the new relationship
— Assuring them that the new spouse is not a replacement for their deceased parent
— Spending quality time with each adult child
Breur adds that it’s important to convey to adult children that “every human being deserves companionship and happiness.”
[READ: How to Manage Sibling Conflict Over Care of Elderly Parents]
A Retirement Community Wedding
The couple continued dating for a year, allowing the children more time to get to know Joe. After off-site gatherings and visits at the community, Joe and Suzanne’s relationship with her family became more established and comfortable. Joe asked Suzanne once again for her hand in marriage in January 2024.
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“We had a talk with our kids about it and this time they were completely OK with it,” Suzanne says.
The Legacy Willow Bend was the ideal location for their June 2024 wedding.
“It’s filled with lots of beautiful lawns and was just the perfect place for us,” Joe says. “We rented a tent on the property and invited mostly family.”
Staff decorated the dining room with flowers, and residents of the community asked Joe to replicate his proposal — which he did.
“We are absolutely committed to each other,” Suzanne says. “I do not know why the Lord put two wonderful men in my life, and I’m happy that Joe is the one that I’ll be ending my life with.”
Joe agrees.
“People don’t come here looking for romance, but it does happen,” he says.
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Senior Living Benefits: Finding Love originally appeared on usnews.com
