Heartbreak is the emotional aftermath of a deep connection unraveling, and it can shake us to our core, especially if it arrives without much warning.
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“Grief after the breakup of a serious relationship can be one of the most painful experiences we endure in life,” says Anita Gadhia-Smith, a psychotherapist who practices in the District of Columbia and suburban Maryland. “It can be excruciating and debilitating.”
With heartbreak, not only do we have to work through the pain of recent love lost, but the current loss can also trigger old grief and stored pain and trauma from past losses, explains Gadhia-Smith, who is also the author of “How to Heal Emotional Trauma: 7 Keys to Finding Freedom and Self-Worth.”
Why is heartbreak so painful? The same neural pathways that are involved in romantic love are also involved in addiction.
“Part of the challenge in managing your feelings of loss is similar to trying to navigate withdrawal from an addictive substance,” says Mireille Reece, a clinical psychologist with the Family Care Center in Mesa, Arizona.
At its most dangerous, heartbreak can cause physical pain and inflammation that can have potentially very serious consequences, such as broken heart syndrome.
When it comes to overcoming a breakup, how we choose to navigate the process makes a significant difference in how we feel along the way, Reece notes.
Here, experts share their tips for navigating the grief of heartbreak, moving on with your life and emerging stronger from the experience.
How to Get Over a Breakup
Despite the overwhelming pain of a broken heart, healing is possible. These are the practical steps and mindset shifts that can help guide you through the process.
1. Embrace the initial heartache.
2. Redirect negative thoughts.
3. Recognize grief vs. depression.
4. Find creative outlets and hobbies.
5. Listen to music.
6. Acknowledge anger.
7. Feel free to sever ties with your ex.
8. Focus on other relationships.
9. Practice serious self-care.
10. Seek help from a therapist as needed.
11. Look back without bitterness.
12. Open your heart to love.
1. Embrace the Initial Heartache
Regardless of who ends the relationship, heartbreak happens because there’s a separation from someone you love.
“If you didn’t love them, walking away would be easy,” says Maria Landa, a behavioral health therapist with Providence Health System in Orange County, California.
To numb the pain, you may be tempted to push past heartbreak, pretending it doesn’t exist or jumping into a rebound relationship or a gallon of ice cream. You may even swear off all future relationships.
Although it feels worse in the moment, it’s actually healthy to allow yourself to go through the deep despair and crying jags that come with a breakup, says author and relationship expert Susan Piver. We should embrace these feelings rather than run from them, she posits in her book, “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart.”
Why? Because with grieving comes increased awareness — of what you need from a relationship but also what you most desire. Bookmark these thoughts and preferences for the next time you take a liking to someone.
“If you avoid feeling the feelings, that can definitely prolong the process,” Landa says. “Acknowledging the heartbreak, talking about it with the right people, crying and allowing time to heal can ease the pain.”
[READ: Self-Reflection for Healthier Relationships]
2. Redirect Negative Thoughts
After a breakup, you may find negative thoughts creeping in, causing you to ruminate about what you or the other person did wrong to cause it. If these thoughts become overwhelming, find ways to disrupt the cycle and change your thought patterns, Gadhia-Smith advises.
One strategy is to get up and do something else.
“Take a walk or call someone who’s having difficulty and try to think of them instead of yourself,” Piver says.
Another approach is through meditation, which can quiet the mind and help you deal with the tendency to beat yourself up, according to Piver.
Simply acknowledging what you’re feeling — hopelessness, despair, fear — from a distance without drawing any conclusions or making a judgment about why you feel that way will allow your mind to process the grief more quickly and return to a more balanced state, Piver adds.
[Activities to Help Fight Depression and Improve Your Mood]
3. Recognize Grief vs. Depression
Normal heartbreak can sometimes transform into full-blown depression. Here’s the difference: In depression, nothing seems to matter, Piver writes, whereas with sadness, everything does.
That said, depression can be a stage in the normal grieving process. Grief typically involves these stages:
— Denial
— Anger
— Bargaining
— Depression
— Acceptance
“In grief, you will move through the different stages and ultimately come to peace,” Gadhia-Smith explains.
But when you get stuck in depression, there’s typically less movement between stages.
“It can feel like a heavy weight in your soul that doesn’t move,” she adds.
If you’re experiencing depression, seek mental health treatment. Therapy, medication and other techniques can help lift that depression and get you back on a more even keel.
[SEE: Top Medications for Depression.]
4. Find Creative Outlets and Hobbies
If everything you do reminds you of your ex, change what you do. Watch a movie, listen to a podcast, exercise, clean your house, take a trip, paint a picture or call a friend. Any of these activities and many others can help you cope with negativity and force your mind to engage with life beyond the breakup.
Leveraging your creativity can also be a powerful way to distract your mind and heart from a bad breakup.
For example, write the story of your relationship. Do it using the third-person point of view in three different writing sessions, Piver suggests. First, write about how these two people met and fell in love. Then write about the love story and how it started going south, including the breakup. Finally, rewrite the story with a new ending that inspires hope for the future.
“(It) may sound silly, but it helps you bring a very valuable perspective,” she says.
5. Listen to Music
No, not the breakup playlist. Instead, crank up some of your favorite feel-good tunes to trigger the release of endorphins, lift your spirits and lower stress.
Gadhia-Smith details how listening to upbeat music helps:
— Music with a high number of beats per minute can energize you and restore your mind.
— Music that you have loved in the past can take you back to better times.
— Classical music can increase the production of serotonin in your brain, known as the “Mozart effect.”
6. Acknowledge Anger
If you didn’t choose the breakup, you’re more likely to have anger than the other person.
“When we feel powerless over others, helpless and out of control, anger can dig deeply into our souls,” Gadhia-Smith says.
Anger is natural and normal, and you should allow yourself to feel it. But if it becomes overwhelming, it’s important to “take positive steps to process your anger with a therapist and get it out so that it doesn’t internalize or poison you or your next relationship,” she adds.
7. Feel Free to Cut Ties With Your Ex
As much as you might feel that staying in touch with your ex is the mature thing to do, you should not feel any pressure to do so. In fact, Piver says it’s a good idea to remove exes on social media to keep from obsessing about their every move.
“Keeping in touch with your ex is a very personal decision,” Gadhia-Smith adds. “Some people need a clear break in order to heal and resume friendly contact down the road. Others need a clean break forever. And, some are able to stay in touch to help each other separate.”
8. Focus on Other Relationships
Turn to others in your life, including friends and family, for love and support, Gadhia-Smith advises. If someone isn’t particularly sympathetic, look elsewhere.
“Go where it is warm,” she suggests.
Seeking comfort from friends can be helpful, but be wary of people who just want to know the gory details when something bad happens.
“Be mindful of who you share with and are vulnerable with,” Landa warns. “Sometimes we may walk away more heartbroken if we talk to the wrong person.”
9. Practice Serious Self-Care
Focus on getting good sleep, exercising, eating nutritious food and minding your mental health — including seeking therapy to get you through a breakup, Gadhia-Smith advises.
Reece recommends spending time outside in nature, which can help lower stress and boost mood. Practicing meditation, mindfulness and gratitude can also help.
It’s also wise to take a moment to review, set and maintain boundaries when it comes to how you spend your time, who you spend it with and what you choose to do to support your well-being, she adds.
10. Seek Help From a Therapist as Needed
As mentioned, if you can’t get unstuck from any stage of relationship grief, seek counseling.
“Therapy is particularly helpful for sorting out and processing complex and painful feelings,” Gadhia-Smith says.
Therapy can help you move through the healing process more quickly without carrying emotional baggage into the future.
And when you’re in the throes of a major heartbreak, give yourself grace.
“Avoid making any major life changes, spending a lot of time on social medial or using substances to help cope,” Reece says.
11. Look Back Without Bitterness
Although your emotions may be too raw at first, learning to look back with love can be a powerful means of overcoming the pain of a broken heart.
Feeling some kindness toward your ex is the most potent step you can take for your own healing. Extending your heart to someone you have no intention of loving ever again can actually bring feelings of stability and peace, Piver says.
This does not mean you need to forgive or forget your ex’s past transgressions; rather, the focus should be on letting go of anger.
To do this, Piver recommends sitting in a quiet, comfortable place and spending a few minutes wishing yourself well — may you be happy, healthy, peaceful and accepting of yourself — before wishing your ex the same.
12. Open Your Heart to Love
Perhaps at no other time than post-breakup do we want love so much, Piver says. But instead of desperately searching for love for yourself, try giving love to someone else.
“That is how you balance the sorrow and rage from the heartbreak you’re dealing with — by giving love to whatever situation or person you are interacting with,” she says. “That’s the secret.”
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Tips to Heal a Broken Heart originally appeared on usnews.com
Update 02/11/25: This story was published on an earlier date and has been updated with new information.