Many parents struggle to figure out the best ways to discipline a child. They are unsure how much punishment is too much, too little or just enough. They often become frustrated because a punishment doesn’t work: The child continues to exhibit the “bad” behavior — not even slightly deterred by having received a consequence. Parents find themselves in a downward cycle, handing out consequence on top of consequence in the hope that their child will finally get the message and change a negative behavior for the better.
Moms and dads don’t realize that punishment is actually the least effective form of discipline. This is because for a parent it generally comes from a place of anger and frustration, and so for the child it communicates a parent’s displeasure for a behavior, but it doesn’t teach the child a better way to behave. Since the consequence does not constructively teach an alternative more appropriate behavior, it is not surprising that the negative behavior will continue to recur.
Almost every child will be much more receptive to discipline that is clear and positive rather than punitive and will more easily learn to behave appropriately when discipline is proactive (before a negative behavior occurs), rather than reactive (a response to a negative behavior). Positive, proactive discipline is more difficult for a parent to implement than is issuing a consequence after a behavior occurs, so sometimes parents don’t take the time to do it. It is also easier to threaten a negative consequence (whether or not it is implemented), than it is to consistently coach a child towards good behavior.
[Read: Why Schools Should Take a Restorative Approach to Discipline Issues.]
While proactive discipline definitely takes more effort, if you really want to raise a more well-behaved child, it is the very best way to achieve your goal. Your child will experience this type of discipline as loving, optimistic and gentle, rather than as angry and negative. Almost every child will be motivated to behave better when given the opportunity to succeed, rather than only receiving a punishment for failure.
There are two simple but important strategies to follow when it comes to proactive parenting:
— Make clear rules before anything has gone wrong. Be consistent about applying these rules and reinforce them when necessary. This should be the case for regular routines as well as “special occasions.” For example, if bedtime is 8 p.m., it is the parent’s job to ensure that the evening schedule reinforces this bedtime every single night, rather than yelling at or punishing a child who doesn’t automatically get into bed at 8 p.m.
When a parent creates a strong routine that supports a rule, it’s highly likely that the rule will be followed on special occasions as well. Before going to a restaurant or a friend’s house, for instance, clearly explain the rules for appropriate behavior. In all situations, consistency is of paramount importance: If “no screens before school” is a rule, don’t make exceptions. A child will be much more likely to adhere to a rule if they know it’s unbendable.
[Read: Are You a Nagging Parent?]
— Create and explain consequences for not following the rules. Even when parents are consistent, there will be times a child tests boundaries and breaks rules. Parents, therefore, need to develop clear, reasonable and, importantly, practical consequences to be implemented only when a child doesn’t follow fair and reasonable rules. Children should know, in advance, that there will be a consequence for breaking a rule, and they should also know exactly what that consequence will be.
For both daily routines and special occasions, clearly explain the consequence if a rule isn’t followed, and then reinforce it calmly and without anger 100 percent of the time. For example, if a child sneaks a video game before school, an appropriate consequence, established in advance, might be no screens for three days. Even if it’s inconvenient, it’s important to uphold the consequence.
For special occasions, the rule and consequence should be made clear at the time of the event. For example, right before walking into a restaurant say, “You need to sit in your seat for the whole meal. We will talk as a family for the first 20 minutes, then you can use your phone. If this rule isn’t followed, we will leave the restaurant immediately and you will not be able to go to your friend’s birthday party this weekend.” Then, as difficult as it may be to take away the birthday party, it’s imperative that you follow through.
[See: Why You Shouldn’t Spank Your Child — and What to Do Instead.]
It’s important to remember that last-minute rules and consequences almost always result in fights and meltdowns. The key to raising well-behaved children with very little stress, yelling or punishment, is to use consistent, planned and clear parenting techniques. This might feel like more work, but the great results far outweigh the effort, which actually diminishes over time as a child becomes accustomed to the rules.
More from U.S. News
10 Things Pediatricians Advise That Parents Ignore — and Really Shouldn’t
10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child
10 Fun, Fresh Ways to Work Out Together as a Family
How to Raise Well-Behaved Kids originally appeared on usnews.com
