The return of Fred Rogers from “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” in the new documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”” could not have come at a better time. The world needs Fred Rogers now more than ever.
Unfortunately, children today are inundated by negative messages and a lack of positive mentorship. Volatile reality TV stars swearing and screaming are definitely not the parental figures we are longing for. We all have been yearning for inspirational or high-road mentorship in the media and politics. That makes remembering Mr. Roger’s example all the more relevant today. His exemplary leadership was kind, graceful and refreshingly open to letting children experience the real world and the full spectrum of feelings it brings up.
Modeling Kindness and Calm
One of the reasons people are soaking up this documentary is because it feels like kindness is in short supply these days. From shootings to politics to internet bullying, violence and meanness seem commonplace. And it’s something parents must wrestle with all the time.
Fred Rogers reminded us that kindness is essential, and he showed it through patience and attention — real, priceless attention. Our rhythm is frenetic, with our attention to children distracted by activities, phones, texts and emails. His rhythm was slow, strikingly calm and present. He paid his audience and his guests the ultimate act of kindness: looking them in the eye, really listening to what they were saying, and giving them his full attention. That’s what children need. Giving kids that full focus — so they feel seen, known and heard — shows them love in a way we have forgotten.
Though he was an ordained minister, Mr. Rogers didn’t preach the lesson, he was the lesson. He modeled the behaviors we want to embody, practicing patience, compassion and love, and always taking the high road. His tone was gentle, and his words were slow and deliberate. Children have mirror neurons — they mirror our nervous system while forming their own. Just watching the film directed by Academy Award-winner Morgan Neville, which debuted at the Sundance Film Festival in January, undoubtedly had the audience breathing more deeply, as the slow pace and cadence of Mr. Rogers’ speech was like a collective embrace.
Mr. Rogers’ grace reminds us of the goodness of humanity. In a cynical time, he makes room for connection and collaboration, which we all need, no matter how many selfies we post.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Teaching Kids to Work Through Difficult Feelings
There’s a whole world between the “Suck it up, Buttercup” attitude of old-school parenting and the much-maligned coddling that goes on today. Who knew Fred Rogers always lived in the magic middle?
He helped kids work through big feelings by never minimizing those feelings or shielding young people from them. He created a safe place to gently guide young people through their feelings, all the while acknowledging that it might hurt. His candid emotional honesty about really difficult subjects, from dead pets to divorce to assassination seems staggering in today’s “don’t let kids fail” and “everybody gets a trophy” culture.
He talked to preschool kids in a matter-of-fact way about death: “See the fish at the bottom of the tank, see how the fish is not moving.” Calmly narrating the truth is reassuring to kids. His honesty created safety, a holding tank that allowed children to work through their feelings. Acknowledging and navigating feelings (not avoiding them, but leaning into them) is the key to being at home with those feelings.
This is at the very heart of how kids build emotional resiliency, which is so lacking today. Kids who are rescued from feelings are unintentionally robbed of the opportunity to work through them. The crux of mental health is learning to manage and modulate your feelings. Shielding children from emotions makes them emotionally fragile. And if you’re treated like you’re fragile, you stay fragile. That’s when people look outside of themselves for emotional pacifiers, such as food, alcohol, drugs, gambling or co-dependent relationships. In fact, two therapeutic treatments commonly used to treat anxiety and depression (which are at record highs for children) are cognitive behavioral therapy, which uses exposure therapy as a treatment modality, gradually increasing exposure to the fears or worries; and dialectical behavior therapy, which has validating feelings and distress tolerance as therapeutic tools.
For parents, not being able to sit with your child’s distress isn’t about their anxiety, it’s about our own. Many of us don’t have a template to know how to work through feelings as our own feelings were denied — “you’re not scared of the dark”; shamed — “only babies are scared of the dark, and you’re a big boy”; or avoided all together. That is why sitting with your child’s unhappiness and fears is so difficult. It’s so hard to watch your adored child suffer, but part of our job description is allowing them to experience the arc of their feelings. It’s much more emotionally charged when it’s your own child, and these moments usually take us by surprise. It’s hard work not to go down the rabbit hole with your children because you care so much, but if you can reach for Mr. Rogers’ graceful equilibrium, you can help them work through their fears and sadness.
Learning to tolerate and work through distressing feelings is how you learn to cope with life. It’s how you become emotionally resilient and a pillar of mental health. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
[See: 7 Ways to Build Resilience for Crises and Everyday Life Challenges.]
Innate Worthiness
Another giant gift is loving a child just as they are. Real self-esteem is in part a feeling of our own unique lovability. That’s one of the reasons the Mr. Rogers documentary feels like a giant, collective hug, because his love has no prerequisites. It is pure.
Often it can feel like parents tie love to performance or outward attributes — like a child’s athletic prowess, grades, behavior or appearance. But Fred Rogers never linked his love to accomplishment or beauty. When he said, “I like you just for being you,” it felt real, both his sentiment, and that he was seeing children’s authentic selves and saying they were enough.
Mr. Rogers had it right all of those years ago by celebrating the unique worthiness of every child:
“It’s you I like —
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope you’ll remember even when you are feeling blue
That it’s you I like,
It’s you yourself,
It’s you. It’s you I like.”
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
In a world riled by divisions, Fred Rogers, then and now, creates unity while still celebrating individuality. His idealism, his compassion and his slow pace may sound old-fashioned, but like the best antiques, he holds up over time. Mr. Rogers radiates love and kindness and reminds us of who we want to be — not only as parents — but as people. Even today, we are still learning from him.
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When in Doubt, Model Mr. Rogers originally appeared on usnews.com
