I’m going to tell you what’s going to happen to me in just under a month. Before I do that, however, I want to preface what I’m going to say by noting that what’s going to happen:
— a. Feels utterly impossible
— b. Feels numbly terrifying
— c. Has caused time to collapse
— d. Is super exciting
— e. Is exactly what I want to happen
— f. Challenges my capacity to follow my own parenting advice
— g. Makes me feel old
In fact, to get my point across more viscerally, I’d like to tell you the precursors to what’s going to happen to me in just under a month. I’ll outline the main, most important aspects of this story so that you can perhaps share in the dizzying emotional effect it is all having on me.
— At the turn of the century, in the year 2000, my oldest child was born.
— Through the first two decades of her life, she grew up.
— It happened in the blink of an eye.
— One minute she was catching autumn leaves for good luck, and in the next she was shopping at IKEA for things to put in a dorm room.
— I’m not kidding. This all happened very, very fast.
[See: Making the Transition to College Health Care.]
That’s it. That’s the whole story. Can we cue “Fiddler on the Roof,” please? You know, the bit where the mom and dad look in awe at their daughter as she’s getting married and they realize that they don’t even recall her growing up? And no, my daughter (at least to my knowledge) isn’t getting married, but if these last 18 years are any indication of how things are going to happen, I’m guessing I’ll have a lot of these moments downstream.
How can the most important job I’ve ever had be over so soon? I mean, I know it’s not really over. I know I’ll always be her dad and she’ll always be my oldest child. But to leave home? To move out from under our roof? I can’t get my mind around it. It’s going to happen, it is supposed to happen, I want it to happen, but it just does not make sense. She was born yesterday.
This, as you can probably guess, is one of those columns where I plan to work through my own issues and hope that folks who read what I’ve written can get whatever help I can muster along the way. I did in fact do my due diligence by scouring the psychiatric, psychological and cultural literature for what research can tell us about parents and kids as everyone prepares for that first time when the child leaves the house. Nothing I read was helpful, though. There was stuff about how much to hover and how much contact to maintain, but that’s not what I mean. Nothing was really helpful because no one seemed to be talking about me or to me. This realization is a good place to start.
[Read: Managing Your Separation Anxiety as Your Child Enters College.]
Every parent-child relationship is unique. Each parent-child relationship is special, both good and bad, in its own way. This might seem obvious, but as you prepare for your child to exit the house, it’s a good time to take the obviousness of this into consideration. If you try to apply a one-size-fits-all approach to the complex feelings that are stirred up, you’re going to fall short of what you need. And still, I don’t know that there are alternatives other than to allow yourself to indulge in the memories of how special and unique that relationship happens to be. But to the extent that it’s possible, spare your child these reminiscences. If you can modulate your nostalgic whimsies, you’ll give your young ones the space they need to exit the house with the knowledge that you’ll be OK. That’ll make it that much easier for them to continue calling on you when they need you. I think this goes for all kids who leave home, whether they leave for college or the military or to take a job in the private sector or to travel. It’s a big deal to leave your folks. Let them have that moment, and hold onto your spouse and your friends to steady yourself. Also, remember that some of your friends have likely already gone through this. I don’t know that any parent can hear enough that you feel like your child was born yesterday. It’s a universal experience. Share it with someone who understands. That someone, I guarantee it, will not be your child.
Most importantly, don’t be put off by the surliness that can emerge as the time of exit draws near. That’s a necessary developmental behavior that makes that big step a little easier. Ask your kid what he or she wants you do in preparation. I have explicit instructions from my daughter. I am not supposed to make lots of dad jokes. I should not whine about the trips to IKEA. I must not under any circumstances tell stories of changing her diapers. These are all counter-productive to the goals of a successful launch. In this sense, you can start to appreciate a theme here. Your child needs this to be about his or her own journey. Usually, I don’t much like it when writers use terms like “journey” in describing someone’s life. It’s a cliche, and like lots of cliches, it can mean lots of different things. But here, the word “journey” works. You are of course on the journey as well, but you need to let your child have the moment. You can point to the road, suggest the exits on which you might leave the metaphoric highway, but ultimately, unless something catastrophic happens, you gotta let your kid steer. They’re going to have to get lost a bunch without you. But if you tell them they can reach you when they need to, they’ll call if things are too unfamiliar to handle alone.
There’s this scene at the end of Richard Linklater’s film “Boyhood.” I won’t talk too much about the film because I don’t want to spoil it, and it’s an amazing movie. But man, this one scene gets me. The mom is looking at her kid as he prepares to leave for college, and despite the fact that she’s held it together pretty well, she loses it. “This is the worst day of my life,” she says, crying. She later notes that it’s one of the best days as well.
[See: How College Students Can Avoid Getting Sick.]
I cried when I watched that scene. If I can get my you-know-what together, I won’t cry too much when my turn comes and my own daughter is ready to walk out that door. But no promises kiddo. That’s the best I can do.
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How You Can Prepare for a Child to Leave Home originally appeared on usnews.com
