Commenting on someone’s weight-loss regimen can be tricky.
It’s natural to want to say something supportive to someone you know who’s trying to lose weight. Many people at some point want to shed some pounds, whether it’s to get in shape for the summer swimsuit season or because their doctor told them they’re prediabetic and need to lose weight. But while it’s easy to empathize with a dieter and offering support is generally a positive thing, saying the right thing can be challenging. “People tend to have better weight-loss results when they get support from important people in their lives,” says Leslie Heinberg, director of behavioral services for the Bariatric and Metabolic Institute and vice chair for psychology, Department of Psychiatry and Psychology at the Cleveland Clinic. “However, what to say — and what not to — can be tricky when you’re trying to help someone change their lifestyle.” Here are 14 things Heinberg and other experts advise against saying to someone who’s dieting:
“You’re fine. You don’t need to lose weight.”
When people set weight-loss goals for themselves, it’s not helpful to negate their rationale, says Jenna Bell, a registered dietitian based in St. Petersburg, Florida. She’s the co-author of “Energy to Burn: The Ultimate Food And Nutrition Guide to Fuel Your Active Lifestyle.” Dieters “may have athletic goals or maybe they have a family history of high cholesterol or blood pressure and they know that a lean body will reduce their risk,” Bell says. “Even if — in your opinion — they are ‘fine,’ I recommend supporting their efforts with positive reinforcement — comment on their successes.” For example, you could say, “You definitely have more energy!” or provide other aspirational, health-focused (not weight-focused) input, Bell says. “If you’re actually worried that their diet plan may have negative consequences, you may need to approach them more carefully. I recommend asking them how they are doing and let them know if they need any support, you’re here for them. And always seek a professional’s help, such as from a registered dietitian or trained eating disorder specialist.”
“Have you tried (fill in the blank) diet?”
Jumping in with diet advice is not helpful, Heinberg says. “Everyone is different and has different needs,” she says. “When a person is undergoing a weight-loss intervention, [he or she] should be in consultation with their physician or a dietitian or other expert who is best positioned to offer advice regarding treatment options.” Suggesting a weight-loss diet without expertise presents an overly simplistic view of how weight is gained, lost and maintained. “Weight is the result of a complex interaction between biological, genetic, behavioral, cultural and environmental factors,” Heinberg says.
“I tried that diet and it doesn’t work.”
A diet that doesn’t work for some people may work for others, says Diane Henderiks, a registered dietitian based in Asbury Park, New Jersey. “It may not have worked for you but it may for me,” Henderiks says. “Think about it. No one just haphazardly chooses a diet. It is a big commitment.” Most people research a diet before they try it, and if it doesn’t work, they can try another approach, she says.
“How much weight have you lost?”
This seemingly supportive question can unintentionally cause a person to feel like a failure or that you’re judging him or her, says Lisa Garcia, a registered dietitian based in Laconia, New Hampshire. The dieter “may not be losing weight at the moment or may have experienced weight regain,” she says. “Or, if they’ve been gaining weight, their dietitian may be having them focus at the moment on stopping the weight gain before moving onto weight loss.” Instead, ask: “How is it going?” Garcia advises. “This shows you are interested and supportive,” she says. “It also enables people to share what they feel comfortable with or ask you for help.”
“You can expect instant results.”
No one should expect instant or unrealistic results from a diet, says Jennifer Klekar, a registered dietitian at Texas Health Harris Methodist Hospital Fort Worth. “If this is promoted in a diet it is setting the person up for failure,” Klekar says. “No type of change, whether behavioral or physical, will change overnight. Small changes, consistent hard work and motivation will lead to the results you want, but it will take time.” The best approach for dieting is to set small, attainable and manageable goals and to keep your expectations in check, she says.
“Didn’t you just try a diet?”
This is one of an array of pessimistic statements that could imply someone on a diet has failed before and will fall short again, Heinberg says. Other statements in this category include, “You’re going to gain it all back anyway,” “I could never do this” and “It seems so hard.” It usually takes a lot of hard work for someone to stick to his or her plan, stay on track and get back on track, she says. “Such pessimistic feedback can take all the wind out of someone’s sails and discourage them,” Heinberg says. “It reminds them of past failures and negative experiences.” What you can say instead is “I’m really proud of you,” “You can do it, I believe in you” and “You’ve got this,” she says.
“What can’t you eat?”
You may ask this question with the best intentions, because you want to learn what kinds of foods not to include in a meal or not to offer the dieter, Garcia says. “Phrasing it as a negative, however, focuses the person on foods that they are trying to reduce or eliminate,” she says. “It can actually make it harder for that person to shift from having to give something up to exploring — and enjoying — the foods they can eat.”
“You’re healthy. You don’t need to drop pounds.”
While this is occasionally true — some people with body image issues may be at a perfectly healthy weight and going lower would not be in their best interest — generally, the person who says this doesn’t want you to change, says Lise Gloede, a registered dietitian based in Arlington, Virginia. “This person is potentially fearful that when you lose weight, your personality, relationship or other things may change as well,” Gloede says. “They may be afraid that you will no longer ‘be one of them.'”
“How much weight do you want to lose?”
A person’s weight-loss goals aren’t anyone else’s business, except perhaps his or her health care professional, Henderiks says. Asking someone how many pounds he or she wants to lose puts the “focus on numbers, which can be counterproductive because numbers on the scale can be deceiving,” she says. “A pound of muscle is smaller than a pound of fat and takes up less space. Therefore you look smaller with more muscle mass than fat mass. How our clothes fit and how you feel about yourself is more motivating.”
“Are you really going to eat that? I thought you were on a diet.”
Whether someone who’s trying to shed pounds is consuming a bowl of kale or quinoa or a double cheeseburger, acting as the food police isn’t helpful, Klekar says. Even with good intentions, you never know what someone’s relationship with food is like, she says. Besides, there’s always room for moderation in any diet. For example, following the 80-20 approach, you can make healthful choices 80 percent of the time and allow yourself to indulge in 20 percent of what you eat to help you keep your diet balanced, she says.
“Skipping meals helps you save calories.”
The concept of skipping a meal with the goal of eating fewer calories overall may sound appealing if you’re trying to lose weight, especially with the popularity of intermittent fasting among some dieters, Klekar says. While this concept may seem to make sense, skipping meals may lead to overeating later in the day and may promote a disordered pattern of food consumption, she says. Research suggests that people who eat breakfast consistently are able to lose more weight than people who skip it. Avoid the extremes of feeling “stuffed” or “starving” and aim to be satisfied after meals, Klekar advises.
“Come on, I made this just for you.”
Common encouragements to eat might include, “A little bit won’t hurt you” and “We used to have pizza every Friday night, but since you’ve been on that diet, you’re no fun anymore,” Heinberg says. “People may feel better about their own eating habits by encouraging others to eat with them,” she says. “Consciously or unconsciously, they are sabotaging someone’s efforts to stick with their plan.” Instead, ask if your partner, friend, acquaintance or relative wants to go to the gym or out for a walk, or even where he or she would like to go to dinner over the weekend, she says.
“You’ll look so good after you lose weight.”
It’s very important not to comment on aesthetics when speaking to someone who’s dieting, says Dr. Nancy Rahnama, a board-certified internist and bariatric physician in Beverly Hills, California. “This may make the individual feel that [he or she] doesn’t ‘look good’ now. The changes in nutrition and weight loss should revolve around health and feeling well, not about fitting an image,” Rahnama says.
“It’s OK to cheat.”
While you don’t want to berate someone for slipping off their plan, you don’t want to encourage it, Bell says. Your friend or family member may be on a roll and feeling confident about reaching his or her goals. Don’t derail this with an excuse to overeat. Peer pressure is so 1985 — don’t do it. Instead, take their lead. Let your friend decide if and when they want to “cheat.” Either way, respect their decisions and mind your own business.
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14 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who’s Trying to Lose Weight originally appeared on usnews.com
