When it comes to babysitting, today’s modern families often turn to an old-fashioned resource: grandparents. The arrangement seems like a natural fit: If your parents did a good job raising you, it’s assumed they’ll do a good job watching your children.
But your mom and dad are quite a bit older since they last changed diapers and picked up kids from school. And the aging process can make a big difference when it comes to babysitting, especially for older grandparents. “Once grandparents get to age 70 or older, we start to see more of an effect on health when they’re participating in daily activities with grandchildren,” says Dr. Laurence Solberg, chief of the division of geriatric medicine at the University of Florida College of Medicine.
[See: 10 Fun, Fresh Ways to Work Out Together as a Family.]
The Impact of Age
Many physical, emotional and psychological changes occur as we age. The threshold for stress is lower, and it doesn’t take as much to become overwhelmed. The brain’s processing speed slows, short-term memory starts to falter, muscles lose mass, bones get weaker and balance declines. Eyesight and hearing can go south, and arthritis can make joints stiff and painful.
Many adults develop chronic conditions in older age, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, depression or dementia. In fact, 1 in 10 adults age 65 or older has Alzheimer’s dementia, according to the Alzheimer’s Association.
Any one of those age-related changes or chronic conditions can jeopardize a grandparent’s ability to watch your kids. For example, poor vision and slowed reaction time might affect a grandparent’s driving skills, which is especially important to note if the older adult routinely shuttles your little ones around town. Heart disease or uncontrolled blood pressure may cause fatigue, keeping grandparents from being able to chase after children. Muscle weakness and joint pain can affect the grandparent’s ability to do any physical tasks associated with babysitting, like carrying a baby or getting down on the floor to play with a young child. Dementia affects decision-making skills, memory and attention, which severely hampers how a person cares for himself, let alone others.
In addition, there’s a good chance older grandparents are taking numerous prescription medications. That can increase the likelihood for medication side effects, such as drowsiness or confusion. But even the healthiest older adults can find babysitting a challenge. “The physical part of having to lift up and carry a 30-pound child can be exhausting to a 75-year-old grandparent. If health deteriorates and functional ability decreases, they may not be able to maintain safety with a child,” Solberg says.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Warning Signs
It may not be obvious that your older parent has any physical, psychological or emotional challenges that would affect babysitting. But you can watch for some red flags:
— Cognitive decline. “The big tipoff I hear about is when the grandparent forgets to pick up the child from school or forgets to enforce common household rules or make meals. Or there’s a lack of supervision. Suddenly the grandparents aren’t aware of what the grandkids are doing, and you don’t find out until a neighbor down the street says he saw your little boy riding his bike alone,” says Nancy Parsons, a pediatric neuropsychologist in Sarasota, Florida.
— Muscle weakness. Do grandparents have trouble walking or lifting? Does it take them longer to get from here to there? “Gait speed is a marker of frailty,” Solberg says. “If a person slows down, that means muscles are weakening and he won’t be able to react as well or lift things.” Being slow might keep a grandparent from grabbing a child when he or she ventures near a stove or staircase.
— Chronic disease. If your parent has been diagnosed with any type of chronic disease, find out if it’s being treated and watch for signs that it’s not well controlled. For example, breathlessness can be a sign of worsening heart disease. Some kinds of chronic disease are difficult to control. For instance, someone with diabetic neuropathy may not have sensation in his fingers and may have trouble driving or strapping a child into a car seat.
— Trouble driving. “Look at your parent’s car,” Solberg suggests. “Are there scrapes you didn’t notice before or dents your parent can’t explain?”
— Stress. Is your parent easily overwhelmed by active children?
— Mood changes. Frequent irritability or agitation can signal cognitive decline or depression.
Other Challenges
Chronic disease and age-related changes aren’t the only potential obstacles when grandparents babysit. Older adults aren’t always well-versed in technology or social media, which teens and even young children may use daily. As a result, grandparents may not understand house rules about internet or cellphone use and whether kids are breaking the rules. Or grandparents may feel the grandkids are misbehaving. “It can be very frustrating to older adults when kids use cellphones and text. The grandparents feel like they’re being ignored or disrespected. But kids can divide their attention,” explains Geoffrey Kanter, a neuropsychologist and executive director of the American Board of Professional Neuropsychology.
Another challenge: understanding grandchildren’s mental health issues and developmental delays. Grandparents may not be as attuned to those conditions as you are. “Understanding and knowing how to care for a child or teen with autism, learning disabilities, intellectual disabilities or a mood disorder requires great skill and knowledge. In older generations, much of this was misunderstood, denied or ignored for a variety of reasons,” says Paraskevi Noulas, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU Langone Health.
[See: 10 Things Pediatricians Advise That Parents Ignore — and Really Shouldn’t.]
What You Can Do
When you have concerns about whether your parents are healthy enough to watch your kids, talk to them about it. You may even be interested in establishing a relationship with your parent’s primary care doctor to help your parent manage chronic conditions.
If you and your parents want to set up a babysitting arrangement, these guidelines can help:
— Be clear about your expectations. “I recommend having one or multiple conversations if needed beforehand where the adult child clearly spells out the rules and how they differ from how they were raised. If helpful, one could make a chart that’s easily accessible to the older adults and children in the home so as to eliminate further miscommunication between the three generations,” Noulas says.
— Give your parents some flexibility. “The grandparents should have some leeway to bend the rules to a point, whether it’s giving the kids treats or letting them stay up later or maybe shutting off the kid’s cellphone a little later,” Kanter says.
Finally, keep the lines of communication open, and check in with your parents every one or two weeks. “If an issue arises, deal with it as soon as possible and clarify what the concern was about, find a way to resolve it and move forward with a clearer guideline in place,” Noulas says. “Concretizing your goals, expectations and wishes might initially be cumbersome. However, it will save you a lot of heartache down the line.”
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Should You Let Your Older Parents Babysit Your Kids? originally appeared on usnews.com
