There is no doubt that parents everywhere question themselves about the best way to raise their children. With no clear answers, the debate about how to raise healthy, happy and resilient kids continues on in neighborhoods and households all across our country. Parents often disagree, as do experts.
Now, a new ” free-range” parenting law enacted in Utah is generating quite a stir and lots of dialogue about how much independence to allow children. The law attempts to ensure that parents will not be charged with child neglect if they allow children of “sufficient age and maturity” to do things alone, including walking to school, playing outside and staying home unattended.
[Read: What Parenting Can — and Cannot — Do.]
Certainly, free-range parenting has its supporters and detractors. But I am very concerned about supporting any extremes when it comes to parenting. I am worried about any one-size-fits-all sort of dictates.
The law in Utah refers to children of sufficient age. It is unclear what sufficient age means. Is sufficient age 9 or is it 12? It is crucial to note that emotional and social maturity differ tremendously among children of the same age. It’s also the case that a child who has excellent judgment in one situation may have very poor judgment in a different situation.
I am, however, a fan of giving children increasing levels of independence but in a careful and measured manner. It is crucial that kids learn that they can accomplish things on their own. This gives them both a sense of mastery and confidence. Kids should be given more freedom over time, and their ability to handle situations in an unsupervised manner should determine what parents allow them to do on their own. This is best achieved in small steps.
With this in mind, I neither support helicopter parenting (micromanaging children) nor free-range parenting. I am a fan instead of what I would like to refer to as “hybrid parenting.” This, to me, makes the most sense, since it takes into account the individual child, the parents and the child’s particular and specific life circumstances. Just as the abilities of children differ, the comfort level of parents also vary considerably.
[Read: 5 Ways to Help Teens Set Boundaries With Friends.]
While your friend may be comfortable allowing her 11-year-old child to stay home for an hour after school, you may worry that your child could become overwhelmed and uncertain about how to handle an unpredictable set of circumstances. While it may be safe to allow your 9-year-old to bike to a school that’s nearby with a route that’s free of traffic, it may be unsafe and unwise for another parent to allow her 9-year-old to walk to school, because the roads are so busy in that area or for a variety of other reasons.
Before you give your child more independence, please ask yourself the following set of questions:
1. Is my child emotionally and cognitively ready to handle this new task? You might consider allowing your child to stay home alone for half an hour. Then consider your child’s comfort level. If that goes well, you can move forward and allow your child to stay home alone for an hour, and so on.
2. How might my child handle unexpected challenges that come with independence? For example, would your child know what to do if approached by an adult stranger who made the child feel uncomfortable? It’s important to talk through different scenarios and provide instruction. (In this case, the child should be advised to not engage the stranger, and to leave the situation and come straight home.) In addition, you should assess your child’s ability to handle the challenges of independence and stay safe.
[Read: To Raise Independent Kids, You Have to Set Some Limits.]
3. Are you, as a parent, comfortable with this new independence? If you are not, it’s unlikely your child will feel comfortable either. If you are completely uncomfortable with your child going to a specific friend’s home, for example, because of what has transpired there before, then you must pay attention to your concerns, and may need to say no. Generally speaking, though, it’s important to keep in mind that in many situations, you may need to allow your children a little more independence than you are ready for. This is not easy, but kids need to become independent.
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Why Choose a Side When Raising Kids? The Case for ‘Hybrid Parenting’ originally appeared on usnews.com
