Sitting outside of a coffee shop, I chatted with Cindy Wasson, the founder and director of 10th Street Preschool in Santa Monica, California. We lamented how fast-paced the world is now, and how everyone is glued to an electronic gadget, including parents. That day we saw many parents whiz by, pushing a stroller with one hand, while staring at a cellphone in the other hand.
Childhood development and self-discovery takes considerable time, and interpersonal interactions play a major role in this. The process by which children come to know themselves is social and relational by nature, and it revolves around the intimate parent-child bond, which is a developmental cornerstone.
Parents are actually brain sculptors. Our babies are born with a soft spot on their heads because their skulls have not closed to accommodate the rapid growth of the brain. Optimal brain growth in the prefrontal cortex happens through connection and attunement, particularly in the early years. Even a pre-verbal brain grows with a parent’s gaze, cooing and connecting. Emotional resonance starts the dance of secure attachment between parent and child, which affects how we connect, how we feel about ourselves and how we manage our feelings. In short, connection and attunement are profoundly critical to developing a healthy sense of self.
[Read: Secure Attachment: Parenting From the Inside Out.]
“A startling percentage of children are less attached,” Wasson says. “Attachment requires attention, and when attention is divided, so are families.” I was struck by her bold statement. Instead of watching their kids play, many parents are busy checking texts or taking pictures of their children. “I see toddlers ask to see the picture of themselves on their moms’ phones,” she continues. “I used to hear children say, ‘Look at me!’ Now it is, ‘show me!'” Preschoolers used to be engrossed in play, but now they stop mid-play and go over to their moms’ hands and grab the phone.
From a psychiatrist’s perspective, Wasson’s observation is loaded on many levels. Being preoccupied with a phone can interfere with a parent’s responsiveness to a child. Parents can’t accurately read non-verbal cues with their eyes down. Historically, toddlers are famous for being little Zen masters who lose themselves in play, so engrossed it can be hard to get them to leave their private space or stop playing. Non-distracted play is an essential part of child development, and stopping mid-play to check out photos interrupts this. Many teachers I’ve interviewed echo the concern that kids are not absorbed in play in the same way, are easily distracted and possibly following the example of distracted parents. Adults who are preoccupied with digitally chronicling every moment might miss some nuanced interaction. Also, when parents focus on taking the perfect photo, are we teaching our kids to externally reference themselves?
While it’s lovely to share pictures online with family and friends, this seemingly innocent pastime may interfere with the child’s ability to be present and connect. That’s significant, since interpersonal connection is integral to brain growth and development. It’s difficult to compute just how much the concealing of a parent’s face behind an electronic screen compromises that interaction, but it’s a safe bet it does. The famous ” Still Face Experiment” is painful to watch, as it shows how quickly children become agitated and dysregulated when their moms check out. When a parent is concentrating on getting a good photo or checking texts instead of simply engaging with the child and enjoying the moment, being truly present is difficult.
Self-esteem is an inside job. A true sense of self can never be shored up by the perfect photo or lots of likes on Instagram. It grows through a loving connection to a parent. Freud famously spoke to this truth: “It is not attention kids are seeking, but love,” he said.
[Read: How to Customize a Healthier Approach to Screen Use for Your Family.]
I am concerned about this generation of kids growing up in a culture that is overly obsessed with electronic gadgets but sometimes short on parents being truly present. Part of developing self-esteem is learning to discover who you are in the context of intimate relationships, and then learning to love yourself. It involves character, integrity, keeping promises to yourself, acting with kindness and compassion, and it requires connecting to yourself and those around you. It is made easier with love and harder by criticism.
I was saddened when a girlfriend of mine mentioned that her child’s fifth grade school picture form included a box asking if she wanted to Photoshop the picture. Innocently, my friend checked yes. “I figured it meant they would take the red out of her eyes, that sort of thing,” she told me. When she saw the picture of her daughter, who has a giant mane of wavy hair, she reported that they had Photoshopped the picture and given her daughter straight hair! My friend was incredulous and so was I. The new image effectively told her 11-year-old that she needs to change the way she looks, the exact wrong message for a young, impressionable girl who should be learning to love herself.
As Wasson and I lamented this unfortunate cultural shift, hope bloomed at the next table. A mom was drinking her coffee, lovingly gazing at and interacting with her child. When the baby dropped a spoon, she picked it up and patiently said “spoon.” Both of us noticed the calm and nurturing way this mom was connecting with her baby. We commented on the peace and presence that was so refreshing, beautiful and hope-filled.
Having three children who now tower over me makes me understand how quickly kids grow up and how many opportunities we lose to be truly present. I of course adore my older children, but I also miss their little selves, the sound of their baby voices and their infectious giggles. When my son was little, he once told me, “Mommy, you look at me with hearts in your eyes, and that is why I have grown so big.”
[See: Sharenting: Do You Share Too Much About Your Children on Social Media?]
In today’s snapshot world, increasingly parents are spending more of their time on the digital plane. The trade-off is that they can miss real moments, opportunities to bathe their children with love. Parents who flip the off-switch on their iPhones may miss some perfect Instagram shots, but they enjoy a bigger bonus: They can collect amazing moments that are instantly stored in their hearts, and easily retrieved, relived and cherished for a lifetime.
More from U.S. News
7 Ways Technology Can Torpedo Your Health
Starting Solids With Your Baby? Avoid These 8 Mistakes
10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child
Growing a Whole Child in a Snapshot World originally appeared on usnews.com
