My retirement was supposed to open the door to a new and adventuresome chapter of my life. But a cancer diagnosis on the same day as my retirement party led to some of the most lonely days and months imaginable.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with small lymphocytic lymphoma, or SLL. It’s a type of cancer that occurs in the blood and bone marrow. SLL cannot be removed with surgery, and I have no idea one day to the next how I’m going to feel when I wake up. SLL progresses slowly and is usually diagnosed in people over 50. For me, it’s taken an emotional toll that is just as devastating as the physical one.
We all know life can throw curve-balls, and this illness undoubtedly offered me many important life lessons. I live more in the moment and I’ve become more mindful. I now call cancer “the disease of silence” and hope to send a loud message about the dos and don’ts of how to engage with people who suffer from the big C.
[See: What Causes Cancer? 5 Unlikely Claims Explained.]
The latest research says nearly 1 in every 3 Americans will have cancer in their lifetimes. So it’s likely if you don’t get some form of cancer yourself, you know someone who will. It’s so important that family members and friends of cancer victims better understand what the patient is going through. Silence can be deafening. Every patient needs someone to say, “I am here for you” and mean it.
Before my diagnosis, I had many friends and socialized frequently. After, however, I sometimes felt abandoned by people at a time when I needed them most. Some of my friends simply did not know what or how to say anything and often ignored me. Our conversations were awkward and uneasy. So if you know someone who is living with cancer, please know your outreach is vitally important. Emails, phone calls or pre-planned visits are often welcomed and appreciated. Sometimes even a simple “how are you doing?” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this” opens the door.
Others stopped inviting me to events because, I surmise, I made them uncomfortable. Still others turned to my best friend to ask how I was doing instead of dealing directly with me. I know their reactions were not meant to make me feel strange or invisible, but they did. If it works for the patient, invite him or her out to a movie. Or schedule a time to watch a favorite show together from the comfort of a couch — yours or theirs depending on the situation.
[See: What Not to Say to a Breast Cancer Patient.]
It may shock you to learn that there are people out there who told me they were jealous I lost weight. Not kidding. I did, in fact, lose weight, but I don’t recommend getting cancer as a diet method. Please don’t tell me how great I look because I’ve dropped a few pounds. Feel free to compliment me on keeping my energy up in the face of exhausting treatments or offer to drop off a nutritious meal.
And, believe it or not, there are still people out there who think they might contract cancer simply by being around someone who has it. I know these reactions were not meant to hurt my feelings, but they did. If you’re having trouble relating to someone who has cancer, just imagine how vulnerable she feels. Kindness and patience work in almost every situation.
As a patient, I know from experience that it’s very difficult to share such serious health information with family and friends. I was constantly asking myself how much should I share, who should I share this personal news with and when is the right time to do so. The more I suffered in silence, the more I felt like a burden. So if you get a scary diagnosis, speak up. It’s never easy to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ll never get the support you need if you don’t let others know what you are going through.
[See: How Social Workers Help Your Health.]
Lucky for me, my three closest friends said, “I will be there with you through your journey.” And they’ve been my support system every step along the way. I remain surprised and thankful for others I didn’t know that well who also reached out. I’m enormously grateful for my social workers at The Ohio State University Comprehensive Cancer Center — Arthur G. James Cancer Hospital and Richard J. Solove Research Institute who helped me cope with the terrible isolation that came with my cancer.
Please know that cancer victims are fighting the fight of their lives and we need others by our side. Together, let’s get rid of the elephant in the room.
Aspey is the director of Business Services at Jewish Family Services in New Albany, OH.
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Cancer: The Elephant in the Room originally appeared on usnews.com
