Whether you’re trying to eat healthier, exercise more or cut down on unhealthy habits, the company you keep plays a major role in helping you achieve your goals. Unfortunately, your friends and family can also intentionally or unintentionally become obstacles to healthy living.
“A lot of research on social norms shows that we want to be doing what everyone else is doing and what others think we should be doing,” says Gretchen Chapman, a professor of social and decision sciences at Carnegie Mellon University.
When you change what you’re doing, everyone around you feels it. Oftentimes, people perceive your lifestyle changes as a threat, either to their relationship with you or to their own self-esteem, Chapman explains. For example, if in the past you and your friends made a habit of checking out your city’s best, most indulgent restaurants, when you declare, “I’m trying to eat healthier,” everyone could be left wondering, “What now?” They could also worry that you think they need to eat healthier, or that you are judging their choices. As a result, they may encourage you to fill up on desserts with them anyway, unconsciously hindering your efforts.
[See: How to Make Healthful Dietary Changes Last a Lifetime.]
“In part, it may be to alleviate their own guilt or shame for not engaging in healthy behaviors,” says Susan Albers, a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic and author of “Eating Mindfully for Teens.”
“Meanwhile, often spouses fear that if their significant other loses weight, that it will change their attraction to them and they will lose their significant other. This may be a conscious or unconscious fear,” Albers says.
Sometimes, enabling or sabotaging behaviors may be unrelated to fear or guilt and may be be completely inadvertent, Albers says. For example, someone who has never struggled with smoking might not realize that visiting a smoky bar can be a trigger for anyone trying to quit. And a grandmother who uses food as a way to show love may keep baking cookies for you, no matter how many times you say, “I’m cutting down on sugar.”
So what should you do when those closest to you are hindering rather than helping your efforts? Experts explain a few time-tested strategies.
1. Reinforce your relationships. Reassure your friends and family that your lifestyle changes will not affect your relationship, and stress how important they are to you, says family medicine physician Michelle May, founder of Am I Hungry? mindful-eating programs and author of “Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat.”
“Explain that yours is a decision you are making for yourself,” she says.
2. Ask for what you need. Many people want to help, but they aren’t sure how to assist. “Coach your friends and family on what you need,” Albers says. “Sometimes you need silence; other times, you need supportive statements. Realize that telling them exactly what you need can go a long way. They aren’t mind readers.”
[See: The 10 Best Exercise You Can Do for the Rest of Your Life.]
3. Express gratitude. “When friends and family members show support through their actions or words, be sure to reinforce their efforts,” Albers says. “This will increase the likelihood that they will do it again.”
4. Be patient. “Give family members time to adjust,” says clinical psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, author of “Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush your Inner Critic and Create the Life You Love.” She explains that changing old habits is a process.
For instance, if your significant other typically pours you a glass of wine when you’re stressed, it can take time for him or her to get out of that habit. “Eventually they will get used to the new behaviors and it will be the new norm,” she says.
5. Reiterate your commitment. When those around you encourage unhealthy behaviors, Albers recommends pointing it out without being accusatory. “Rather than using ‘you’ statements, stick with the ‘I’ statements that reflect how you feel about their behavior. For example, you could say, ‘When I suggest going to the gym, I notice that you find a reason that I can’t go. I feel frustrated. How can we work this out?'”
“Often, people don’t see their behavior as hindering,” she says. “Gently pointing it out can go a long way.”
6. Play to people’s strengths. Support takes many forms. “Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and can be supportive in different ways,” Albers says. For example, while one friend may be more emotionally supportive and ready to listen when you’re struggling, another might be a great resource for healthy recipes. However, if your recipe-toting friend thinks that weight-loss is as simple as “move more and eat less,” opening up to that person about your struggles to lose weight might prove frustrating.
[See: The 10 Best Diets for Fast Weight Loss.]
7. Accept responsibility. For long-term success, you have to commit to yourself and your goals, no matter what others are doing. “Ultimately, you’re in charge of your own actions, including how you respond to others,” May says. Acknowledge your obstacles, which may or may not include those closest to you, and know that you can overcome them.
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