It’s happened again. After you get up the nerve to speak in a meeting, you see your colleague roll her eyes, then write a note to the person sitting next to her who is also on your team. They both snicker. You end up leaving the conference room feeling insecure and deflated. After your workday is over, you find yourself replaying the scene in your mind, upset that these peers seem to discredit your ideas and dislike you. You’re not able to focus on a client report that’s due the next day because you’re too upset and mentally hijacked by rumination.
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If this scene sounds uncomfortably familiar, it’s possible you’re losing too much valuable time and energy worrying about what other people think of you. Yet this isn’t uncommon. According to an article by Dr. Fredric Neuman in Psychology Today, the tendency to be overconcerned about what others think begins in childhood, and is intimately linked to your self-esteem.
“The way people feel about themselves is formed during the time of growing up by the way their parents — or other close family members — felt about them and treated them during that time,” writes Neuman. “Those who grow up with low self-esteem because they were belittled in childhood continue to hold that opinion stubbornly in the face, sometimes, of exceptional success.”
This tendency to zero in obsessively on the opinions of others, often at the expense of your own preferences, is sometimes referred to as “approval addiction.” This attribute, while uncomfortable, is normal based on the fact that connecting with others and fitting in are among our basic human needs and represent a universal desire of being human.
Women may face additional challenges in this arena, according to research. One study published in the Spanish Journal of Psychology revealed that women tend to feel more emotions related to guilt than men do. Women have also been found to lean toward feeling regret and remorse more, as well as empathy and concern about hurting other people.
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Yet just because wanting to please others is normal doesn’t mean it’s healthy — especially if it’s holding you back from success at work. Use the guide below to help determine whether you’re putting too much stake in what your co-workers think, and too little in your own perceptions:
You’re not able to keep things in perspective. Researchers say many people believe that others are thinking about them a lot more than they actually are. Are you losing sight of this fact and assuming that your colleagues are whispering about your shortcomings over lunch? It’s more likely that they’re worried about their own problems and have too many of their own insecurities to devote excessive amounts of time to analyzing others.
You’re assuming it’s all about you. In the hypothetical anecdote that started this article, the employee was certain that the eye-rolling and note-writing was directly related to something she said during the meeting. But what if the colleagues in question were actually engaged in a private discussion that had nothing to do with the speaker? Think about whether you are assuming the worst in a situation and imagining you’re the center of the story or object of the critique when you may not be in reality.
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You’re not aware of your own history. With the points above in mind about how your family history and childhood affects how you experience the world and how you feel about yourself, consider whether you need more self-awareness in your interactions with others. Is it possible that you’re worrying more than you should about what your peers or boss think about you because of old thoughts replaying in your mind telling you you’re not good enough? Once you recognize this pattern, you can take the next step and redirect your thoughts to something more positive.
You’re letting perfectionism take over. It’s certainly true that some co-workers may gossip about you or dislike you at certain points in your career. It’s just a fact that not everyone will react well to you or understand your work style. But are you caring more about the one person who gives you grief during your workday than the 20 other people who validate your performance and personality? It’s important to recognize when perfectionistic tendencies to get a “perfect score” in the likeability department override the reality that most people do think positively of you.
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4 Signs You Care Too Much About What Co-Workers Think originally appeared on usnews.com
