Very few things compare to the intense feelings elicited in a romantic relationship. We walk through the world beaming, as we experience feelings of excitement, passion, desire, inspiration, connection, companionship and safety.
However, for many of us, romantic relationships can also trigger consuming anxiety that can sabotage our most valued connections. While some relationship anxiety is completely normal and to be expected, ideally, its volume should be more string quartet than heavy metal.
The key lies in understanding that anxiety is actually a healthy emotion. As long as we take the time to understand it, we can use it as a tool for self-growth, rather than feeling powerless in its presence. Here are some specific tips to use when you feel your anxiety taking over.
[See: Am I Just Sad — or Actually Depressed?]
Get intimately acquainted with your attachment patterns.
According to John Bowlby’s seminal work in attachment theory, if we want to better understand and overcome our relationship anxiety, we have to start by illuminating the dark corners of our early experiences. When we are children, we begin to develop a prototype of what to expect from others. This model will affect the way we relate to others across our lifespan, and it’s based on early patterns of interaction with our primary caregivers. Depending on the accuracy and consistency of the caregiver’s response, a child will learn to either express or suppress his or her emotional and physical needs. Although these responses may be adaptive in childhood, they can become maladaptive when we reenact these early patterns, particularly traumatic relational experiences, in our romantic relationships.
When we take the time to recognize how our early relational patterns have impacted our expectations of others, we’re better able to catch ourselves when we inadvertently transfer our past experiences onto our current relationships.
Do not jump to conclusions.
Pay attention to how often you jump to conclusions, and whether or not you have sufficient evidence, with this partner, to support your fears. Before taking any action, ask yourself if you might be repeating early experiences with your current partner. Are you attempting to right the wrongs that actually have nothing to do with him or her at all?
If you do have sufficient evidence to support your fears, begin to really examine if your relationship feels healthy and why you’re choosing to remain in the partnership. Ask yourself if you see a pattern in the partners you choose, and if something feels reminiscent of your early experiences.
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
Do not expect your partner to read your mind.
As much as we might wish our partners could read our minds, they cannot, and that would be creepy anyway. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, and to help your partner better understand what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, and why. Embracing vulnerability can feel like a frightening risk to take, but it is the price of admission to a trusting relationship, and it often leads to increased closeness, connection and attunement.
Do learn how to self-soothe.
We all have moments when we seek reassurance from our partners. However, if we begin to feel a compulsive need for constant reassurance of our partner’s love, we can end up inadvertently pushing them away. Their distance will then serve to reinforce our fear of abandonment.
Rather than relying solely on our partners to alleviate our relationship anxiety, we must learn how to self-soothe. Feeling a sense of control over our emotions can be incredibly empowering. Here are a few of my favorite strategies:
— Just breathe. Slowly. Deeply. Imagine breathing in positive, powerful energy, and breathing out anything negative.
— Talk to good friends; they can serve as a reality check when your fears are irrational, or simply provide a momentary distraction.
— Stay present. Most of our anxiety stems from focusing on the future and creating all sorts of terrifying fantasies that will never actually happen. Instead, make time for activities that you feel passionately about, whether it’s art, music, spending time with friends or family, cooking, running, gardening — anything that helps you feel completely engrossed, engaged and in the present moment.
— Engage in self-talk. Remind yourself that no matter what happens, the heart is resilient, and you will recover. The poet Rupi Kaur writes: “”What is stronger / than the human heart / which shatters over and over and still lives.”
[See: 8 Ways to Relax Now.]
Do not be afraid to ask for support.
Despite our best efforts to better understand and overcome our relationship anxiety, it can be terribly difficult to do in isolation. If you experience frequent distress on your relationship journey, you may want to consider seeking the support of a good therapist, who can work with you to develop a road map.
It is my hope that these tools will be helpful when trying to navigate and manage the intense anxiety that can flare up in romantic relationships. Though cliche, it’s critical to remember that the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. It is imperative to remain curious when our relationship anxiety is triggered, and to try and better understand the origins of our fears. This will help us be more self-aware, as well as develop a clear sense of self. Understanding our own thoughts, emotions and needs, and being able to share them with our partners, ultimately allows us to feel more deeply connected, and therefore, more at peace.
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Understanding and Overcoming Relationship Anxiety originally appeared on usnews.com
