The other day, I was picking up a client from the waiting room and holding a cup of tea. As we were walking back to my office and casually chatting, I stumbled, spilling the tea on myself and the floor. The client had nothing to do with it but started to apologize — about the spill, the stain on my shirt, all of it — as though it were her fault.
More and more often, I notice how people apologize for almost everything, even when something doesn’t require an apology. It’s important to step back and consider why we are over-apologizing and when we would be better served by expressing appreciation.
[Read: Help Your Kids Hit Their Stride By Practicing Gratitude.]
People often apologize to avoid dealing with feeling vulnerable or the negative feelings of others. It becomes a self-protective action and may help us manage the anxiety that arises within relationships. No one really wants to disappoint another person, so we apologize. We don’t want to deal with someone’s anger, and may feel unsafe in the face of it, so we apologize. Apologizing becomes a way to manage our anxiety and depression, even when it is not used to express remorse.
Although often considered primarily to be a female issue, it impacts us all. As a result of over-apologizing, we tend to feel “less than” and as though we have to make excuses for just existing. This creates a vicious feedback loop: We apologize to make the situation “better” and end up feeling worse about ourselves, causing the anxiety and depression to continue on repeat.
It is important to apologize when it is warranted. If I did something to you that was hurtful, and I feel remorse, I want to make amends and work to fix what is broken. However, it’s also a good idea to think about what you might do if that’s not the case.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Instead of saying that you’re sorry for something that doesn’t require an apology, try this:
Focus on appreciation. Rather than apologize for talking with a friend about your problems and discredit yourself by saying “Oh, I’m just rambling,” say thank you. Focus on how your friend is there with you, taking the time to listen, to care and to be present. It’s OK to want to talk through your problems. Avoid making excuses for that.
Stand up for yourself. We all have limitations that we need to manage. We don’t have to make excuses for merely existing, nor should we. If we can’t do something a friend asks of us, it’s OK to say no without apologizing for it. Rather than say sorry, validate how your actions may impact your friend, while holding your ground. Standing up for yourself and what you believe or what you want or need is totally acceptable.
Accept mistakes. We are all fallible. We all make mistakes. Most of the time, these are not life-threatening or relationship-ending blunders. Sometimes acceptance is enough, and there’s no need to say you’re sorry. If your actions require an apology, by all means, offer it to your friend or family member or to whomever you owe it. Be aware of your behaviors, and work to avoid doing the same thing in the future.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Often, we apologize when we need to say thank you: thank you for understanding that I was late, that I need support, that I am who I am. When we apologize for merely being, we hand our power over to others, creating feelings of worthlessness and sadness. By contrast, when we thank others for being part of our lives and for understanding us, it’s positive and empowering, which can build self-esteem. The more we can teach our children to do this, the stronger they will be.
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Teaching Appreciation Over Apologies originally appeared on usnews.com
