After a keynote I gave in Florida on how to talk to kids about friendship, I received the following question from a concerned parent whose child was losing sleep over an agonizing loyalty situation: “How can we help our child choose what’s right over covering for a friend who is doing something wrong?”
That’s, in essence, what can make loyalty so complicated. The concept of committing ourselves to a person, place, thing or cause seems straightforward enough. Yet, vowing to stand by someone or something can challenge the most loyal person when what’s required to do so goes against a person’s core values.
Studies tell us that children as young as preschool-age exercise loyalty both in one-on-one friendships and in groups. This is a good thing! When children have intimate bonds with loyal friends, they tend to report less social anxiety, bigger boosts in self-worth and fewer depressive symptoms than their peers. Not to mention, loyalty is required for all relationships to work, since it solidifies expectation, confidence and reliability. A breakdown in loyalty can seriously compromise friendships for children or adults. Like the proverbial vase that’s been broken and then glued back together, a breach of trust can leave cracks that can’t be fully repaired.
[Read: How to Talk About Fairness With Your Kids.]
So how do we counsel our children regarding dicey dilemmas brought about by loyalty in relationships? There are a few themes I’d suggest covering.
Do a gut check.
We all matter in equal measure. While it is commendable to stand by a friend through thick and thin, it’s also important to be loyal to one’s own values. Kids need to check in with themselves and ask, “How does this sit with me?” For instance, children who value kindness and fairness, may have trouble being loyal to a friend who gossips, steals, lies or is socially aggressive toward others , even if that friend doesn’t target them personally. I encourage children to have honest conversations with their friends when they disagree on core character values. If they can’t reconcile key differences that are important to them, kids should consider if the friendship is right for them.
Separate the act from the person.
While birds of a feather flock together, we aren’t always going to agree with our friends. Sometimes, we just make different choices. Since loyalty is not saying that you agree with your friends when in actuality you oppose what they are saying or doing, you can teach your children that they can stand behind a friend without getting behind the choice that friend is making.
That means that they can still speak up and tell their friends how they feel even when they disagree. A friend who steals may not be a bad person, but a person who made a bad choice. Separating the act from the person allows a child to remain loyal to a friend without changing his or her own values and interests.
Separate big picture loyalty from in-the-moment loyalty.
When a friend is going down the wrong path, it’s easy for kids to think that being a good friend means keeping their mouth shut. Of course, as adults, we know that speaking up in this case is one of the most loyal acts of friendship.
Explain to your child that heading off trouble early in the conception of a bad plan can save your friend a great deal of suffering later. Whether we are talking about a friend who is being unsafe or one that is choosing to be unfair, we must tell our children that a loyal friend does what helps his or her friend in the long term. Tell your kids that — for the sake of their friends — they shouldn’t wait to speak up.
[Read: 5 Skills We Should Be Teaching Kids to Grow Their Confidence.]
Know what real friendship means.
During my friendship presentation, I go through a series of questions , asking the audience to think through what true friendship really means. What words come to mind when we think about friendship and what does it mean when we can’t describe our friends with those same terms? As key adults in children’s lives, parents should help children do their own side-by-side comparison and decipher if a friend is really the kind of person to whom they want to give the gift of loyalty or if the person they are standing by defies their version of a true friend.
When a young, visibly upset audience member told me that her friend said to her that she had to go along with her mistreatment of a peer, “because you’re my friend, not hers,” I told her, “A real friend never asks you to compromise your own long-term values in order to endorse someone else’s short-term behavior.”
Sometimes, children grow out of friendships as the individuals change and grow themselves.
Leave the door open a crack.
If your children decide that they can no longer be loyal to a friend who is choosing a path that goes against who they are, encourage them to leave the door open a crack. As we know from looking back at our own childhood and teenage years, young people change over time. How often do we marvel in disbelief at the choices we made when we were younger?
Kids make mistakes, sure, but they also make progress. Help your children to see the good in their friends and accept that they will not always agree with their peers. “That’s what makes ball games,” my mom always told me. Of course, there’s a difference between finding different paths and being purposefully hurtful, unfair or negligent. If this friend has burned others consistently, make sure your child takes the time to evaluate if it ‘s indeed the right move to open the door fully when the opportunity to do so arises.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Kids should also know that it’s reasonable to expect loyalty in return for loyalty. One-sided loyalty will never carry a real friendship, it will just lead to empty promises and broken trust. So when your child finds a true friend, teach him or her to nurture that relationship. Both people should feel good, grow together and grow independently in friendships. Loyalty is a foundational component of friendship; and rather than being simply assumed and given, it should be consistently fostered and earned through trust, reliability and mutual respect for one other. In the end, staying loyal to others should allow you to remain loyal to yourself.
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Talking to Kids About the Tricky Trait of Loyalty originally appeared on usnews.com
