All of us have fears of one kind or another, throughout our lives. Likewise, it’s completely normal for children of all ages, from the toddlers to the teens, to be afraid of something.
From a developmental perspective, it’s often easy to predict what children will fear at different ages. For example, even though your infant may have been very comfortable being passed from relative to relative, toddlers and preschool-age children may experience some separation anxiety. As your child becomes more aware that you and he are different beings, he naturally may have some anxiety about the idea of being separated from you. This is a pretty universal experience and usually passes over the course of several weeks or months.
Likewise, as children get older, they may express some fears about things like monsters, loud noises, the weather, the dark and things they see on TV. Even if your child previously slept in a completely dark room, or didn’t flinch during a thunderstorm, it’s normal for the child to experience worries or get scared about different things at different times.
As your child becomes more aware of those around them, like peers, she may worry about what others think of her or how she appears to others, or have performance-based fears.
[Read: Sneaky Signs of Childhood Anxiety.]
Regardless of what the fear is, there are a few things to keep in mind that are relevant across the board. Since fears are often very normal and not typically a huge reason for concern, it’s important to consider a few factors, like how much time is your child spending worrying about things? A child who expresses that he wants a nightlight on right before bed is very different from the child who is asking about bedtime at 7 a.m. Likewise, a child who is a little hesitant about trying a new activity and even asks for a little reassurance is different than one who completely falls apart in anticipation of a novel challenge.
Here are some concrete tips that will help you and your child face fears:
Validate. Parents today often want to solve their children’s problems. But before you do that, first take a moment to really hear what your child’s concern is. For example, if she tells you that something she saw on TV scared her, resist the urge to just tell your child what she fears isn’t real or that she shouldn’t think about it. Instead, start with simple acknowledgment. You might say, “It sounds like that really scared you. I’m sorry to hear that.” This goes a long way. It lets your child know that you understand why she is scared or upset.
Model non-anxious coping. Kids are paying attention even when you think they aren’t, and they see parents as models. So it’s really important to lead by example. Look for opportunities where you can practice what you preach. If you can, share something that is causing some anxiety for you, and share how you are coping: “I have to admit that I was a nervous that the flu shot was going to hurt. It turns out that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.” Be honest. Sharing moments where you coped with something skillfully provides a great example for your child.
[Read: Helping Your Child Overcome Social Anxiety.]
Help your child face fears. We can unintentionally reinforce avoidance, or help our children stay away from the things that scare them. The problem with this is that it can actually make the fear stronger. When you ask the neighbor to put the dog in the bedroom because your child doesn’t like dogs, it sends a message that the dog is dangerous. A different approach might take a little bit more time but be worth the effort. Ask your neighbor to hold the dog on a leash, or let your child see the dog from a bit of a distance. You then send the message, “I know this is a little hard, but I also know you can do it.”
Be gradual. If your child has been avoiding dogs for two years, it’s not reasonable to expect them to pet your neighbor’s dog simply because it’s on a leash. You might need to start with a small step, like seeing the dog behind a gate or on a leash before having your child get physically closer.
Practice makes better. It takes a lot of practice to do something that one has previously avoided. Imagine if your child has been getting a ride rather than taking the bus because it makes him nervous. It’s going to take a lot of bus rides before it gets easier, so neither of you should expect those fears or worries to just disappear immediately.
Watch the reassurance. It’s really normal to tell you child that everything will be fine or to say, “It’s OK.” However, saying that kind of thing too much actually increases the need for more reassurance and reduces self-confidence. Similarly, it’s OK to let kids know what to expect — like to tell your child the schedule for the day — to an extent. If your child keeps asking, try saying, “I know you want to know this, and you already asked me. I think you know what’s going to happen.”
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
In general, many fears and worries are a normal part of development and will resolve on their own or with a little help from a parent. Oftentimes, using some or all of the strategies I’ve mentioned, along with common sense, helps a child work through those concerns. But when fears interfere with your child’s ability to function, it’s time to take a closer look. If your child is losing sleep or the child’s appetite has changed due to anxiety, or if your child doesn’t seem like his or her usual self, it’s probably time to seek an evaluation from a mental health professional.
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How to Help Your Child Deal With Fears originally appeared on usnews.com
