Are you tired of constantly fighting with your teen? Do you wish that you could just have one conversation that didn’t end in yelling or arguing? If so, you are not alone.
Many parents struggle to effectively communicate with their teens. This is in part due to the teen’s tug for freedom and the parents pull for power and control. All of that tugging and pulling can result in a battle of the wills where failure is inevitable.
Raising a teen today is no easy feat, and that’s why it’s important for parents to wisely choose their battles. If your teen shares your values and worldview, parenting during these years can be a cakewalk. But what if your kid challenges your authority and makes poor choices? Parenting a difficult teen can seem like a never-ending tug of war, leaving you with a few more wrinkles and a lot more gray hair. But don’t despair, you can learn to communicate with your teen and maintain your sanity at the same time.
Here are five ways to improve your relationship with your teen:
1. Change your mindset.
Stop fighting a losing battle and change how you view your relationship with your teen. Digging in your heels to show your teen who is boss won’t work, but being flexible to understand a different perspective might.
You have the unique role of teaching your teen effective communication skills, and those skills can go a long way. Research has continually shown that healthy family communication is key to decrease risk-seeking behaviors and improve a teen’s overall health and well-being. For example, parent engagement and involvement has been associated with higher levels of academic achievement, increased motivation in the classroom and an improvement in social skills. On the flip side, poor family communication has been associated with unhealthy outcomes, including body dissatisfaction, substance use, suicide attempts, depression and low self-esteem.
[Read: 5 Ways to Soften the Mother-Teen Daughter Relationship.]
2. Allow your child to grow up.
Kids go through many changes during adolescence. Oftentimes, these changes come too fast and you may miss the transition from childhood to the teen years. It’s hard to believe that your child who once believed you were the center of the universe now looks at you like you’re stupid and clueless. But never fear, those reactions are perfectly normal.
Don’t fight the quirkiness of adolescence; accept it as a time to allow your teen opportunities to grow up and make decisions. Stand on the sidelines and coach, but don’t micromanage. If your teen knows you are there to coach and not boss, he’ll be more apt to seek your counsel. The adolescent years are about helping your child grow into an autonomous, successful adult. If you don’t let him grow up, he’ll never learn the skills he needs to master this stage of development.
3. Make each moment a teachable one.
One day, you’ll watch your teen head out the door to middle school and the next you’ll watch her walk across the stage at her high school graduation. Time really does fly.
These years are the “last hurrah” before launching your teen into the real world. Ask yourself what matters most during these years. To be present and active in your teen’s life, you’ll have to get creative and find ways to bond and connect. Car rides are the perfect place to crank up a conversation and sit back and listen. Steer clear of touchy topics like schoolwork or chores, and refrain from giving unsolicited advice. Instead, just listen and be open to seeing the world through your teen’s eyes.
[See: How to Be a Good Listener.]
4. Be real.
Let your guard down and allow your teen an opportunity to get to know you separate from being the parent. It’s good for your teen to see your vulnerable side and to know that you have problems that you struggle with, too. Your teen can benefit from knowing that you worry about him, and that sometimes your fear makes you overreact. For example, if you are afraid your teen is going to get involved with the wrong crowd and try drugs, have sex or engage in some other impulsive and risky behavior, it’s OK to let him know you worry about him and that’s why you don’t let him go out with his friends who have a reputation for partying.
Too often parents allow their fears to guide their behaviors and become too strict and intrusive, leading to teen rebellion. Work on being honest with your teen and have deep meaningful conversations. Teens appreciate honesty, and by showing your authenticity and vulnerability, your teen will know he can show you his.
5. Validate your teen’s feelings and emotions.
Validation is letting your teen know that you understand her feelings, and what she says matters to you. Validation does not mean that you have to agree with how she is feeling or condone the behavior; rather it means you’re not judging her. The process of validation can help bring you and your teen closer by showing her that she has a nonjudgmental space to talk and seek guidance. And don’t you want to be the person she comes to when life throws her a curveball?
The foundation of a good parent-teen relationship begins with trust, mutual respect and the ability to pick and choose your battles. Some battles will be worth fighting, and others won’t be worth your time or energy. When it comes to standing your ground, it’s important to determine your “nonnegotiables.” These are the things that you aren’t willing to budge on, such as no drinking and driving, and no texting while driving. Share these with your teen so she knows up front your stance on certain issues.
No parent or child should feel that they need to protect themselves with an emotional suit of armor in their own homes. Your child needs your coaching and guidance especially during adolescence. You have an important role in teaching your teen the art of effective communication.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Although the adolescent years may seem to drag on, they’ll be gone in the blink of an eye. As a parent, you can look upon these years with dread or realize that your teen is growing up and becoming an independent person, and that you have a front row seat to watch that transformation take place!
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Picking Your Battles originally appeared on usnews.com
