A young girl sees me for mild anxiety. She’s cheery and talkative, but she wrings her hands and stares at the floor when I ask about school. She describes the overwhelming feeling of frustration she experiences when she makes “big mistakes.” As it turns out, any mistake she makes in her studies or in the classroom is a big mistake for this child. Even at the tender age of 7, she struggles with perfectionism.
Recent research shows that perfectionism — which includes a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations — is on the rise among children and adolescents, and that this tendency to try to be perfect negatively affects mental health, physical health and social functioning. When kids attempt to meet unrealistic expectations, they are at risk for symptoms such as stress, anxiety and depression.
As I detail in my new book, “No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls,” self-oriented perfectionism occurs when girls set unrealistic expectations for themselves and socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when girls perceive that others set unrealistic expectations for them. In both cases, girls are at risk for negative outcomes.
[Read: Why We Need Social and Emotional Learning in Schools.]
The good news is that parents can take proactive steps to help girls learn to manage the emotions that contribute to perfectionism. By teaching coping skills and helping girls build resilience, parents can guide their girls through these complex emotions, so that they learn to thrive despite the ups and downs that naturally occur throughout childhood and adolescence.
Here’s are some ways parents can help girls avoid the trap of perfectionism:
Find the triggers.
Perfectionism can stem from a number of different factors. Teaching girls to dig beneath surface emotions to find the true feelings that are driving their behaviors plays an integral role in building coping skills.
While all girls are different, I would suggest considering these potential triggers of perfectionism:
— Temperament
— Messages (from home or school) about success, achievement and failure
— Highly critical parents, teachers or coaches
— Academic pressure
— Comparisons to siblings, other family members or friends
— Excessive achievement praise
— Excessive demands
— Parents modeling perfectionism
— Peer pressure
— Parental love is conditional upon achievement.
Teach emotional regulation.
— Perfectionism is fueled by feelings of anxiety, persistent worry and frustration. When girls learn to regulate these negative emotions, they are better equipped to manage the intrusive thoughts that feed self-criticism.
— So, normalize a wide range of emotions.
— Teach deep breathing and visualization.
— Use cognitive reframing to help your daughter “boss back” her anxious or frustrated thoughts and replace them with positive statements.
— Suggest that your daughter use a journal to vent negative emotions and explore alternatives.
[Read: How to Help Kids ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ in Uncertain Times.]
Build resilience with a growth mindset.
Young girls hear a lot about developing a growth mindset these days, but learning about it and putting it into practice are two different things. It’s difficult to break the perfectionist thought pattern, and it requires time and practice. Be patient as your daughter works her way through this process, and be prepared for periods of regression. With proper support in place at home and at school, your daughter can learn to utilize a growth mindset instead of hyper-focusing on unrealistic expectations.
Use these phrases in your home to help promote a growth mindset:
— Progress takes time.
— I can keep trying until I find a solution.
— Mistakes help me learn.
— What am I missing?
— We all have different starting points.
— I will use the strategies I’ve learned.
Embrace mistakes.
All too often, young girls are conditioned to fear or avoid failure at all costs. In the push to succeed, girls consistently internalize the message that they have to rise to the top. While appropriate expectations help girls reach for and meet their goals, unrealistic expectations coupled with the need to succeed fosters toxic competition, relational aggression and bullying and perfectionism.
It’s important for young girls to learn that mistakes offer important life lessons. We all stumble at times, and sometimes we even experience big falls, but these failures don’t define us. Young girls need to get the message that they can work through and overcome their mistakes along the way, and they will be stronger as a result.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
One mistake I see over and over again is that girlhood is cut short in the race to succeed. Girls need to learn and grow at their own pace and internalize the idea that all girls can succeed. They don’t need to be bogged down by perfectionism. When girls work together and they learn to accept and embrace the bumps in the road, they can all thrive.
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How to Help Girls Avoid the Trap of Perfectionism originally appeared on usnews.com
