Setting limits with children isn’t as easy as it sounds. For one thing, little kids are master negotiators. One more story turns into three. One more show becomes two. One more turn on the swings becomes 45 minutes of extra park time when you’re dangerously close to both dinner and a meltdown. It’s easy to talk about setting those crucial limits, but it can be difficult to maintain consistency when you’re pulled in different directions.
Imposing limits is difficult for a variety of reasons. “Sometimes we think we are depriving our children of something desperately desired,” explains Susan Newman, author of “The Book of NO.” “We feel guilty, but we shouldn’t.” Indeed, it’s difficult to say no to one more story and stick to that coveted early bedtime when parents know that reading out loud helps kids learn and provides important parent-child quiet time. It can also be tempting to stretch the limits in the interest of shutting down whining or tantrums, but this is a short-term solution for a larger problem.
Establishing healthy boundaries helps kids in a myriad of ways. One huge benefit for young children is that setting limits removes the guesswork for them. When they understand the expectations, they know what to do. Another is that they feel safe and secure. A lack of healthy boundaries can be confusing and overwhelming.
Will they push back? Of course! That’s what kids do; it’s part of the learning process. In learning when to bend and when to stay the course, however, kids also begin to understand the social norms that are acceptable in school, in the community and beyond. “Setting limits gives children behavioral guidelines and tools that transfer to spheres beyond home,” says Newman. “That fact alone should spur you to keep trying.”
[Read: The Power of No.]
Limit setting is often confused with high expectations and consequences for failure to meet those expectations. But in fact, when parents set their expectations above what their children are developmentally capable of achieving, families struggle. So it’s important instead to set expectations that fall within the child’s developmental capability and help the child thrive.
Limits are not a function of behavioral control; limits are a method of helping kids learn how to work toward independence. Try to take the following areas of development into consideration when establishing limits:
Physical Health
To raise healthy, independent adults, kids need to learn how to take care of themselves. If a child is allowed endless amounts of sugar, for example, that child won’t learn how to implement healthy eating habits as he grows.
— Nutrition: Educate your children about healthy eating, and teach your kids how to cook.
— Exercise: The great thing about being a kid is that exercise is built into the day by way of outdoor play. Be sure to factor in plenty of time for play.
— Sleep: Young children need consistent sleep cycles. Even just two consecutive late nights can result in impaired learning, attention and emotional functioning.
[Read: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Emotional Health
Parents don’t think of emotion coaching as setting limits, but guiding kids along the path to emotion regulation helps them learn how to cope with negative emotions and what to do when they are upset and away from home.
— Verbalize feelings. It’s a natural instinct to want to throw things or hit something when upset, so it’s important to help kids put words to their emotions so that they’re able to aptly describe their feelings.
— Release tension. Kids hold tension and frustration in their muscles, and sometimes this translates to aggressive behavior. Teach relaxation skills to help kids release tension in a healthy way.
— Provide downtime. All kids need sufficient downtime to rest, recharge and be bored. When kids have downtime, they learn to practice self-care.
Social Skills
Equipping kids with social skills helps them learn to relate to others and function in a group setting. It’s important to practice simple skills like greetings and goodbyes as well as more sophisticated skills like sliding in and out of groups at home so that kids know what to do when they’re away from home.
— Practice listening skills.
— Give your kids plenty of unstructured playtime with friends to learn how to engage in group play.
— Role play ways to enter groups. A common scenario might be a child joining a game he or she would enjoy playing. Show the child how he or she should wait and watch what’s happening, then make eye contact and say, “Can I join your team?”
— Practice conflict resolution skills. Teach kids to take three deep breaths, state the problem from both points of view and verbalize feelings. Have each child name two possible solutions. Brainstorm ways to make the solutions work. Pick one and try.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
When kids internalize healthy limits, they learn to make positive choices when away from their parents, and this sets them on the path toward independence.
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To Raise Independent Kids, You Have to Set Some Limits originally appeared on usnews.com
