A 7-year-old boy is frustrated because he suffered the consequences of his behavior at school, while the boy who “started it” didn’t get caught. “I was mean to him because he was mean to me first,” he protests. “It’s not fair that I got caught.”
We talk about alternative responses in case something like this happens again. I encourage him to think about why the other boy might have acted that way. We discuss what it means to be kind. But this little boy can’t think about kindness because he is stuck on justice. The other boy was mean (he had teased him in front of his friends), so it was acceptable to act mean in return (he tripped that boy in front of his friends), but the consequences aren’t fair. He had to stay in for recess, while the other boy got away it. This young boy struggles to reframe his perceptions and think about kindness, because the message he consistently hears is that fairness is important.
[Read: Modeling Civility at Home.]
In the end, the boy reveals that he really likes the other boy and he wants to be his friend, but he doesn’t know how to stop himself when he feels upset. He recognizes that his first reaction wasn’t the best possible reaction, but he’s afraid to apologize because he thinks the friendship is already lost. After many role plays, he feels confident that he can repair the friendship. One week later, it’s like nothing ever happened.
It’s perfectly natural for childhood friendships to have ups and downs. Conflict happens, and kids learn problem-solving skills, build resilience and practice coping with negative emotions when they work through conflict with their peers. In many ways, these minor playground scuffles play an important role in building soft skills that will help kids become independent adults.
The important thing for parents and educators to remember is that kids don’t enter this world equipped with conflict resolution skills. They have to learn them. Kids want to get along and have fun, but sometimes arguments happen. They need parents and teachers to guide them through the problem-solving process so that they can return to playing together.
Results of the latest State of the Kid Survey from Highlights Magazines show that kids actually crave more kindness right now. The survey, which reached over 2,000 boys and girls between the ages of 6 and 12 from all over the country, found that kids have kindness on their minds. When asked, “If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change?” more than half of the responses focused on kindness. Twenty-four percent suggested increasing kindness, honesty and respect; 15 percent want to end crime or violence; and another 8 percent hope to help those in need.
[Read: 9 Ways to Raise a Really Good Kid.]
The good news is that kids are thinking about the greater good. The not-so-great news is that kids hear a different story at home. When Highlights asked kids what their parents think is the most important — personal happiness, doing well in school or kindness — only 23 percent responded that their parents rate kindness as most important, compared to 44 percent for personal happiness. One more important finding from this survey: Kids are witnessing parents or other adults acting unkindly and reporting that it’s making them feel sad (43 percent) and uncomfortable (49 percent).
Bottom line: Kids want to create a kinder world, and parents need to step up to the plate to make that happen. Here are some ways you can do that:
Model adaptive coping skills. When parents and other adults display unkind behavior when frustrated or upset, kids learn to lash out at others. They also feel very uncomfortable in the presence of this kind of misplaced anger. Think twice before yelling about you’re spotty Wi-Fi. Show your kids that there are positive ways to cope with frustrating situations.
Talk about emotions. When kids don’t know how to label, cope with or work through their emotions, they direct their negative emotions outward. They act out. When families talk about emotions and help each other cope with frustration at home, they normalize the wide range of emotions that humans experience on any given day. Newsflash: Parents don’t always get it right. Talking about our feelings with kids and even thinking out loud about ways to handle negative emotions gets kids in the habit of regulating their emotions and making positive choices.
Prioritize empathy. When we help kids view a situation from another person’s perspective, we teach them to slow down their responses, connect with others and listen with empathy. That begins with empathizing with our kids.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Engage in kind acts. Random acts of kindness are always popular around the holiday season, but it’s important to teach kids to engage in deliberate acts of kindness throughout the year. Help a friend or neighbor in need. Bake cookies for your local firefighters. Include new friends in play dates.
When we model patience, decency and understanding and show kids how to treat others well, we teach them to put kindness first.
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Kids Want More Kindness: Here’s How to Make It Happen originally appeared on usnews.com
