Terrorism. Bombings. Fires. Hurricanes. Mass shootings. These are jittery times, and parents share their concerns about their children’s well-being with me everywhere I speak. “My 8-year-old is afraid that a ‘bad man’ is going to shoot her.” “My teen jumps when he sees late-breaking news and worries about terrorism.” “My preschooler has nightmares that the world will blow up.” Research confirms that today’s kids are more anxious than ever.
The American Psychological Association warns that teen stress now rivals that of adults. Results from the Cooperative Institutional Research Program’s Freshman Survey, which has collected data on incoming college students for more than 50 years, found a record high number of the 137,000 respondents saying they “often felt anxious.” The American College Health Association discovered a stark increase in undergraduates reporting “overwhelming anxiety” in the previous year: from 50 percent in 2011 to 62 percent in 2016. Studies show that kids are feeling a lot more stress than we think, and children as young as 3 are exhibiting symptoms of anxiety.
But scary news and fear of nuclear holocaust aren’t the only contributors to the anxiety that’s consuming our kids. High-stakes testing, hyper-competition, our fast-paced culture, self-imposed pressures, home problems, peer cruelty, stressed-out parents and experiencing trauma also contribute significantly.
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Of course, we want to reassure our children, but raising them in a bubble or treating them as too frail to handle life isn’t helpful and can even lower their ability to tolerate uncertainty. However, if left untreated, anxiety can affect our children’s friendships and school success as well as their physical and emotional well-being. Chronic stress can hamper children’s immune systems — making it harder to fight off sickness — and increase their risk for alcoholism, depression and developing heart disease in their lifetime. So, how do we prepare our children for an unforeseeable world?
Kids tell me they want ways to keep their stress in check. “But don’t give me a Koosh ball to squeeze or tell me to ‘keep calm and carry on,'” one teen said. “I want real stuff to do so I don’t feel like I’m exploding inside.” That’s when Navy SEALs training came to mind.
One of my most rewarding experiences was training mental health counselors at U.S. Army installations to help our military kids cope during their parents’ deployments. While there, several commanders shared with me the new training for Navy SEALs, the most elite force in our services. The revised techniques, designed by neuroscientists, actually change the way SEALs’ brains react to stress so they stay in control in the midst of chaos. I realized those techniques could be taught to kids.
The four tools, which I cover in my book, “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed In Our All-About-Me World,” are simple and will strengthen children’s resilience, reduce their anxiety and improve their mental health. These skills will help them find courage in those crucial moments and show empathy — something that fear can thwart. The best way to teach coping strategies is by practicing them with your children until they become lifelong habits.
[See: 7 Ways to Build Resilience for Crises and Everyday Life Challenges.]
Skill 1: Just breathe! The fastest way to reduce stress is deep breathing, because it gets oxygen to your brain and creates an instant relaxation response. So, teach your child to breathe in for two counts right when he starts feeling stressed, hold for three counts, breathe out for four counts, and then start again. Call it 2-3-4 breathing. For younger kids try “dragon breathing.” Tell them, “Take a deep breath and blow out your worries so they go far away, like a dragon’s breath.” Watch the movie “Pete’s Dragon” with your child as you’re reviewing the strategy.
Skill 2: Use mental rehearsal. Mental rehearsal — or visualization — is reviewing an activity in your mind repeatedly so that when the real situation happens your body has a less stressful response. Help your child develop a plan to reduce a concern like getting on the wrong bus, and then have her review it frequently in her mind: “I wake up, eat breakfast and walk to the bus stop and take the bus No. 1.”
Skill 3: Chunk the fear. In a stressful situation, emotions go into panic mode, so it’s hard to think. Navy SEALs are taught to set goals in extremely short chunks, so that in stressful situations they think of just getting through the next step … and then the next, to bring calmness to their chaos. But they told me that they visualize something positive in the very near future. Suppose your child constantly worries that he might be bullied and won’t make it through the school day. Help him set a goal to get through the first period, and when successful, he’ll think of getting through the second period, then the third, and so on.
Skill 4: Use positive self-talk. SEALs are taught to tell themselves positive words to override the brain’s fear response. Help your child develop a phrase to stay calm and carry on such as, “I’ll be OK” or “I can do this!” Or try this for younger children: “I think I can, I think I can” like “The Little Engine That Could.” Then help your child remember the phrase. Young kids could hang the phrase they use on the wall. Teens might have it as their screen saver.
It isn’t just kids who need these tools, either: Stress is rising amongst adults as well. A Pew report found that 40 percent of Americans now believe our country is more vulnerable to terrorism than it was in 9-11 — the highest percentage to hold that view in the years since the attack. Kids watch and copy our behavior. That’s why we should “just breathe,” use mental rehearsal, chunk our fears and tell ourselves to “stay calm” around our kids. We should also practice these skills as a family so that coping strategies become lifelong habits.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
From helping kids with schoolwork to supporting their extracurricular activities, we do everything to help our children succeed. But let’s make an equal commitment to teach tools that help our kids cope, bounce back and thrive. While we can’t change the world, we can teach children ways to stay calm and carry on. In today’s brave new world, nothing may be more important.
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How to Help Kids “Keep Calm and Carry On” in Uncertain Times originally appeared on usnews.com
