Melanie (not her real name), is a fourth-grade student who takes pride in perfect spelling test scores, reading above grade level and earning awards for horseback riding. She has a small group of friends and tons of family support, and she enjoys school. From the outside looking in, you might think all is well with her.
But lurking beneath the surface for Melanie is anxiety, which has been made worse by her experience with social media. Even though users of Instagram are supposed to be at least 13 years old, Melanie and her friends use the social networking app to share pictures of their pets, document their play dates and showcase their accomplishments. They also use it to assert their social status, and this is where Melanie’s anxiety spiked. Melanie explains that girls will unfollow each other if they have an argument at school, list and delete their “best” friends in their profile daily, and leave unkind comments when they’re upset. She tells me that her former best friend removed her from her list three times in one week and left mean comments on her latest photo. Melanie quickly deleted the photo before other kids saw the comments.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Melanie loves the photo-sharing part of social media, but the friendship troubles cause her to lose sleep at night. She doesn’t dare tell her parents, because she doesn’t want to lose her phone. But that confidence she experiences when she aces her spelling test or wins an award fades away when she talks about the trouble she’s having with friends.
This is one example of cyberbullying in the world of tweens.
The latest data from the Cyberbullying Research Center paints a fairly grim picture. Using a nationally representative sample of 4,500 12- to 17-year-old students in the United States, researchers surveyed youth about their experiences with cyberbullying, defining it as “when someone repeatedly threatens, harasses, mistreats or makes fun of another person (on purpose) online or while using cellphones or other electronic devices.” Results of the survey indicate the following:
— 34 percent of students have experienced cyberbullying in their lifetime.
— 4 out of 5 students who were cyberbullied said mean comments were posted about them online.
— 70 percent said someone spread rumors about them.
— 64 percent of students who experienced cyberbullying said it really affected their ability to learn and feel safe at school.
— The most commonly reported behaviors included spreading rumors online, posting mean comments online and threatening to hurt someone online.
A survey from the University of Chicago found that 76 percent of American teens ages 13 to 17 use Instagram and 75 percent use Snapchat. This survey also showed that while 91 percent of teens use the regular text messaging tool on their phones, 40 percent also use messaging apps such as Kik, WhatsApp or Line. And this doesn’t account for the growing number of tweens dipping their toes into the world of social media despite age restrictions.
With texting and social media use on the rise among tweens and teens, it’s critical that parents remain engaged and educated to support and guide their kids through a virtual world where cyberbullying is common.
Cyberbullying, and using social media to shame others, isn’t new behavior, but as Sue Scheff, cyberbullying expert and author of “Shame Nation: The Global Epidemic of Online Hate,” observes, it now does seem to be ubiquitous. “Shaming is the new weapon of choice everywhere we look,” Scheff says. “We see it in arrogant bodybuilders mocking out-of-shape gym members. Middle school students creating fake Facebook accounts to trash their teacher or principal. Thousands of ‘tough love’ moms and dads filming YouTube videos harshly scolding — or even shearing their children’s hair on camera in a last-ditch attempt at discipline.”
[Read: How to Keep Teens From Turning Their Smartphones Into Weapons.]
With many adults getting in on the online shaming and cyberbullying, it’s no wonder tweens and teens are struggling in the cyber world. While there’s no perfect solution to prevent cyberbullying, there are steps parents can take to help kids navigate the digital world.
Be the touchstone. Reassure your child that you love and support her no matter what. Parents need to be the go-to for their kids to share their experiences, fears and concerns. Your primary job is to listen, empathize and provide reassurance. Ask questions to gain clarification, but listen more than you speak when your child comes to you for support.
Remain calm. Kids want help when they are cyberbullied, but they avoid telling their parents because they don’t want to lose their phones, social media accounts or freedom. Parents have a tendency to overreact when presented with information about cyberbullying. It’s essential to remain calm and focus on your child’s emotions before you react and attempt to problem-solve.
Lead by example. Scheff cautions parents to remain mindful about how they use social media. If your instinct is to go right to your neighborhood or school Facebook group to report cyberbullying in your child’s classroom, you’re modeling maladaptive coping and problem-solving strategies for your child. “The kids are watching,” says Scheff, “especially online.”
Document everything. Documentation is critical when dealing with cyberbullying. Given that the effects of cyberbullying can impact how a child feels at school, it’s important to report this behavior to the school administration. Take screenshots of any cyberbullying that occurs through email, text, messaging apps or social media. When your daughter shares what happened to her at school, take notes. It helps to be prepared when you meet with school officials to seek help.
Remain engaged. Believe it or not, there are potential benefits that can be derived from using social media. Many teens use social media to showcase or share their talents and interests. Teens connect with peers who have similar interests. In some cases, social media and technology help otherwise socially anxious kids connect with their peers. It’s not all bad news, but it’s important to remain connected and engaged.
Ask your teen which apps she uses the most and why. Talk about what you like and don’t like about social media. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your child about the benefits and pitfalls of constant connection.
Know when your teen needs help. Cyberbullying can trigger symptoms of anxiety and depression and increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behavior. If you notice your child is sleeping too much or too little, changes in your child’s eating habits, or that your child is becoming socially isolated, has expressed feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, or other significant changes in behavior, seek an immediate evaluation from a licensed mental health practitioner.
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Helping Kids Navigate a Virtual World Where Cyberbullying is Common originally appeared on usnews.com
