Parents, technology, YouTube and social media have conspired to create attention-seeking monsters. Those monsters are our children, and they will do just about anything to get someone to take notice. Even when there are negative consequences or they get yelled at, the prize of attention continues to motivate kids’ unpleasant behavior. And all of that inappropriate behavior can really take away from the joy of parenting. It’s hard to enjoy time with the kids when they are being obnoxious.
Parents are trained from the moment their child is conceived to lavish attention on them. It starts with week-by-week details provided on parenting websites about the miracles that are happening inside a woman’s belly. Once the baby arrives, books and videos all encourage loads of hands-on parenting. Add in the need to post pictures and stories of our children doing basically anything, and you have a perfect storm for constant misbehavior.
Of course, newborns require feeding, changing, burping, holding and patting around the clock. During that time it’s vital for parents to attend to a child’s every need. This builds a secure attachment that helps the baby feel comfortable to grow and explore in the future.
But as the infant turns into a toddler the child’s needs change. Kids have a greater tolerance for not having every desire met immediately — or at all. But children are used to crying to get what they want. And parents, who are used to addressing every whimper and whine from their newborns, forget to shift to a different kind of parenting.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
As children get older, they learn that whining, crying, complaining, negotiating and throwing a tantrum are all effective ways to get something they want or to avoid something unpleasant. So when a child wants to skip eating his meatloaf, he whines and complains until pasta is offered. Or when a little girl really, really wants to watch one more episode of “Dora the Explorer,” she knows to beg and plead and often she’s allowed that extra show. Sometimes kids just want to get a rise out of parents so they push our buttons. Because our buttons are pushed, we react. Bingo, chalk one up for the kids.
Kids are pretty smart. They only act in ways that produce benefits for them. That doesn’t make them hedonists. It’s just that they have learned their antics work to produce desirable results. The good news is that children who aren’t rewarded for their inappropriate behavior change to act in more preferable ways.
Parents succumb to their children’s shenanigans for a variety of reasons. Maybe they are distracted caring for other children or working from home. Maybe they are exhausted and just need a few moments of peace. Or maybe they are out of tools to know how to even improve the behavior. It doesn’t really matter the reason.
The problem though is that any behavior that is reinforced is more likely to be repeated. So every time Mom says, “no” to a cookie but then after a tantrum says, “fine, just one,” she is reinforcing that behavior. Every time Dad spends 15 minutes keeping a child in time-out or lecturing about a wrongdoing, he is reinforcing that behavior.
[Read: Take the Bubble Wrap Off Your Child.]
To improve behavior, parents need to stop rewarding children with attention (even negative attention), sweets, toys or extra bedtime stories when they misbehave. Then children will use more appropriate ways to garner those same benefits.
Instead of giving in to bad behavior parents should ignore it completely. They should turn their backs and pretend the behavior isn’t happening. As soon as the behavior stops, parents should reengage their kids as if the episode never happened. Kids will quickly receive the message that their behavior isn’t worth the effort. Why throw a tantrum or misbehave if nothing comes of it?
So what’s OK to ignore? Any behavior that is attention-seeking should be ignored. This includes insincere crying, tantrums and embarrassing noises (think farts and burps). Anything kids do to provoke parents should be ignored, too, such as cursing and back talk. Ignore negotiation (“Do I have to eat all my carrots?”), begging and complaining. Oh, and feel free to ignore any annoying behaviors like repetitive sounds, pencil tapping or fidgeting. Ignore it all and watch behavior improve almost immediately.
Just to be clear, there are a few behaviors you should not ignore. Don’t disregard a child who is in real pain. Don’t ignore any behavior that is dangerous or could be hurtful to another child or adult. Don’t ignore sneaky or cheating behavior. Most importantly, never ignore good behavior.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
Spend more time rewarding the behaviors you want to see and a lot less time on the disruptive behaviors you want your child to avoid. That way your children will get what they need. And they’ll also get what they want, but only when behaving appropriately. Now, imagine how much fun parenting could be when that happens.
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When and Why You Should Ignore Your Child originally appeared on usnews.com
