From divorce or job relocation to sibling rivalry or dealing with the death of a loved one, family conflict and stressors are bound to affect the members of a household at one point or another. For example, the American Psychological Association notes that “40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce,” and an APA Stress in America survey notes that children and adolescents worry about doing well scholastically, getting into college and family finances.
“All families encounter stressors,” says Dr. Francisco X. Castellanos, a professor in the Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and director of the Center for Neurodevelopmental Disorders at NYU Langone Medical Center. However, he notes that “family structure is designed to provide shelter from external stressors, which can make the experience particularly challenging when the family itself is the source of stress.”
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
Stress Can Be More Intense With ADHD
Add a family member with attention deficity hyperactivity disorder into the mix, and existing stress can be magnified. Castellanos says that an ADHD child, who usually exhibits intense behaviors to begin with, “may become even more hyperactive or impulsive in response to the stressors.” Alternatively, he notes that the child may demonstrate avoidance behaviors, such as a “deeper burrowing into the TV or internet, or playing video and computer games and secreting away feelings of blame or guilt.”
Susie Raskin, a licensed mental health counselor with the Teen Xpress program at the Howard Phillips Center for Children and Families — a part of the Arnold Palmer Hospital for Children in Orlando, Florida — agrees. “All kids, but especially those with ADHD, have challenges when it comes to regulating emotion,” she says. “If they feel a feeling, they feel the feeling.”
At the same time, Castellanos makes clear that every child’s reaction to stress and the ability to cope with it — whether they have ADHD or not — differs. “The effects on a child will vary depending on the circumstances, the extent of emotional grounding that has been afforded to the child, the child’s psychological makeup and the child’s age,” he says.
While things like divorce, grief or relocating can create family tension, Raskin adds a child’s transition between schools when moving from preschool to kindergarten and then on to other grades to the list of potential stressors. Levels of irritability, stress, anxiety and worry are common across the board for children in this circumstance, she says, but heightened in people with ADHD. Raskin explains that children may worry about who will become their friend, experience sadness from missing former teachers or be nervous about academic performance.
The Importance of Communication
Regardless of the stressor, Raskin says that the “hard part about all of this is that when a family experiences stress, structure and routine goes out the window.” The best bet, when conflicts interfere with established routines, is to keep the lines of communication open, she says. “Say to your child, ‘I know you normally go to baseball practice this week, but that’s going to be different now,'” she suggests. Letting your child know ahead of time that circumstances have changed that will shift daily happenings and expectations is essential, she says, advising parents not to hide information, but rather to “provide factual information at their level” so they know what to expect. “Let them know what’s in store,” Raskin says. “If possible, give them a timeline of when things may calm down and go back to a sense of normalcy.” Most importantly, she says to convey to the child that the situation will be worked on as a team, saying things like “we’ll get through this together.”
[See: Hoarding, ADHD, Narcissism: Inside the Minds of History’s Great Personalities.]
Don’t Be Too Honest, Label Feelings
Castellanos says that communication is important, but warns parents not to offer details that may be too intense to be handled by young children. “Be as honest as you can be with your child, but be careful not to be overly honest or to overshare,” he says, advising parents not to use their child as a sympathetic listener. Instead, he suggests parents say something along the lines of “there are some things we’re not going to talk about now, but when you’re older we will.” This isn’t to suggest a parent should lie; Castellanos says that once a parent lies, credibility is lost. Furthermore, he says to never blame the reason behind the family conflict on the child or his or her behaviors.
Using words or phrases that are common within the family, Castellanos suggests being clear that things will improve in time. “Tell your child that things may be hard now, but better times are coming, or whatever phrase may be in line with your family motto,” Castellanos says. While doing this, he says it’s necessary to speak in ways that honestly convey emotions. “Explain what feelings you are having and have had,” he says, keeping in mind that some topics are personal or best reserved for when a child is older. “Labeling feelings makes it easier to modulate them and to have less of a need to act out our reactions to them.”
Castellanos also suggests that parents remain honest with themselves. “It wouldn’t help anyone to fool yourself about what’s going on,” he says. Additionally, Castellanos emphasizes that parents shouldn’t let their own health and wellness go by the wayside when family tension strikes. Taking care of their own health is a stress-reducer, he explains, but it also allows the parent to be in the best physical and mental state to provide utmost care and safety for their child — something he says the child should know still remains a priority during this time.
Raskin notes that to ease the difficulties during times of conflict, it may be helpful to put a reward system in place. “Kids with ADHD generally do well with reward systems,” she says. “Implementing them can help a child navigate big changes in life so they can cope appropriately.” For example, if parents split and a child doesn’t want to go out with the mother or father one evening, the suggestion might be made to have dinner and dessert with dad every Friday. Raskin says that rewards along these lines offer the child something to look forward to; while they do one thing (visit with one parent) they also get to do another (have dessert after dinner).
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Remain Hopeful
Throughout all of this, it’s a good idea to hold tight to the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. “Don’t convey that there is no hope,” Castellanos says. “There is always hope.” Should a parent feel a sense of hopelessness that lingers or turns into despair, he suggests finding support whether it be through a close friend, discussion group or religious guidance. If thoughts start to include self-harm, consider speaking with someone at a hotline.
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How to Raise an ADHD Child When a Family Conflict Strikes originally appeared on usnews.com
