Single motherhood is a relentless responsibility. A moment of privacy in the bathroom is an unheard of luxury. Every supermarket trip or round of errands with restless and demanding kids challenges your patience. Juggling family and work responsibilities leaves little time for your own interests or even sufficient sleep. Moments to breathe and collect your thoughts are few and far between.
You honestly can’t imagine that life will ever be different than it is now with toddlers or young kids constantly at your feet.
Then seemingly overnight, the toddler who shadowed your every movement is now a sulky teen who’s horrified when forced to be seen with you. Your bathroom is cluttered with “real man” shaving stuff. Shampoo bottles and assorted grooming products take over the bathroom. Instead of whining about errands, your teen eagerly volunteers for any opportunity to drive the family car. Your kids may be taller and stronger than you. They have tech skills you don’t possess and a baffling array of interests. They may espouse passionate beliefs which you do not share. Their friends are all important.
It’s tempting to think that the hard work of parenting is nearly complete. It’s now possible to leave your kids unsupervised for longer periods. Crippling child care costs no longer wreak havoc on your finances. These freedoms sometimes prompt a mini-midlife crisis. Regrets and self-doubt trouble some single moms. Life goals can take on an accelerated sense of urgency. Even the most responsible and dedicated single mom fantasizes about ditching the relentless responsibilities.
[Read: 6 Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Anything at All.]
However, as a parent it’s important to stay the course. The teen years are the last opportunity to make a lasting impact on your kids’ lives. These years can be just as joyful and rewarding as the cherished time you spent with your kids when they were babies. Just being there — your physical presence — is the best guarantee that your teens will make healthy and safe choices.
Single moms typically nourish closer relationships and more open communication with their kids. Now is the time to use these hard-earned advantages to maximum benefit. You need to know what’s actually going on in your kids’ lives — not just what you think, assume or hope they’re doing. Teenagers accept advice and guidance only from adults who genuinely try to understand and not instantly judge the realities of their daily lives.
Here are some other tips to keep in mind to raise healthy adolescents and to prepare your teens for what’s ahead as they move closer to adulthood:
Teach your teens vital life skills. Time and money management skills are essential to self-reliance. Your expert guidance ensures that your teen’s eventual transition to independent living will go more smoothly. Begin with skills such as simple meal preparation, grocery shopping, online bill paying, and bathroom and kitchen cleanup. Allow your teens to schedule their own routine doctor and dental appointments, so that they’re able to manage these responsibilities when they no longer live at home.
Encourage volunteering. Teens with an absent or neglectful dad profit from the experience of volunteering with younger kids. Often such teens need this volunteer experience to prove to themselves that they can be of value to younger kids. Frequently teens chose to volunteer with kids who are precisely the same age as they were when their own dad more or less left.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Let your kids make mistakes without taking over. Things will not always go smoothly. Resist the urge to throw up your hands and decide it’s just quicker to do it yourself. If your teen doesn’t meet his or her responsibilities or makes mistakes, sit down for a business-like, no drama conversation. Figure out what went wrong or how better choices would have led to a more successful outcome. Emphasize that privileges come only with added responsibilities. Actions — not words — prove your teen is ready for a later curfew, access to the family car or whatever your teen wants right now.
Be available “on demand.” While teens may not need round-the-clock care like newborns, they do need to know that we’re available for them at any time. Make sure you’ve got an agreed upon family code word or phrase or signal your teen can use to alert you if he or she needs an immediate rescue from a dicey or potentially dangerous situation. Families often chose their pet’s name or it might be as simple as saying or texting the word “help.” As long as everyone agrees and remembers the code, it’s all good.
Remember, you’re the parent. Practice saying, “I don’t care what other kids are allowed to do.” Strive to be neither gullible nor intimidated. Teenagers act like they know everything. The truth is they don’t have your hard-earned experience, maturity and street smarts. You know that a frantic flurry of texts about a sleepover signals a cover story for all-night partying or some other rule-breaking risky activity.
Be genuine. Expect conversations about topics you never even whispered about or imagined during your own teen years. Share your feelings openly. If you’re confused, admit it. If you’re appalled, say so. Your example is the strongest message. Tell your teen what you believe about sex, drugs and alcohol. Do not expect the school to do more than teach the facts. Your teen’s values and subsequent choices will come primarily from what you’ve taught and the behaviors you’ve displayed.
Know that your teen’s questions may mask troubling concerns. Like young kids, teens may repeat the same questions even though these family issues have been openly discussed for years. These repeated questions may mask the deep-seated worry that they will somehow turn out just like their absent or neglectful dad. Few teens have the insight to express this worry openly. It’s often helpful to initiate this “dad conversation” with reassurances that only traits like eye color are inherited. The choice to disappoint or act in hurtful ways is deliberate.
[See: 10 Ways to Broach the Subject of Sex With Your Teen.]
Be aware that how your teen refers to an emotionally unavailable father may change. What your teen calls an absent or neglectful dad doesn’t matter. Don’t be surprised, however, if your teen stops referring to him as “Dad” and starts referring to him by his first name. As your teen grasps the degree of emotional distance, using his first name may feel more authentic.
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How Successful Single Moms Tackle the Challenge of Raising Teenagers originally appeared on usnews.com
