Love and money have a lot in common: Both are hard to come by, hard to hold onto and hard to mix with the other.
“Money runs much deeper for us than simple mathematics,” says Megan Ford, a financial therapist at the University of Georgia and president of the Financial Therapy Association. “When you’re talking about couples, you’ve got two highly individualized and personal sets of beliefs, backgrounds and baggage to navigate. That can get complex quickly.”
Indeed, according to research from psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman, money is one of the top four issues couples struggle with. (The other three are in-laws, children and sex.) So before you head down the aisle — or commit to any long-term relationship — you need to start talking money with your honey and open yourself up to true financial intimacy.
[See: 7 Signs Your Romantic Partner Is Financially Unstable.]
First off, make sure the discussion is deliberate. “Start the conversation during a time when both of you can give your full attention to it,” says Shelly-Ann Eweka, a Denver-based financial planner at financial services firm TIAA.
At the top of the agenda, you might dive into one another’s present relationship with money and finances. Share the basic numbers that make up each of your financial pictures, including your current income, assets and debts. Also get into the nitty-gritty of how you each manage paying the bills: Do you do it all automatically, electronically, by old-fashioned check or some combination of those methods? Learn each other’s money habits: Do you pay yourself first? Clear away your credit card balance every month? Contribute to your company’s 401(k) plan? Throw your spare change in a piggy bank?
Remember, there are no right answers to these questions. “If you talk to 10 different couples, you’re going to get 10 different ways to handle the finances,” Eweka says.
The most important thing is that you’re honest with each other. Once you know what your partner’s money management style is, you can see how to best mesh it with your own.
[Read: For Richer or Poorer: How 5 People Co-Manage Money With a Significant Other.]
Next, try exploring the past. Much of what you do now stems from your financial upbringing. For example, if your parents had debt problems when you were growing up, you may have developed a fear of taking on loans. Or perhaps your paramour had a parent who was super stingy, and he’s become a bit of a spendthrift in response.
Whatever the case, withhold judgment. The point of this exercise is simply to discover what money truly means to each of you and why. “If you can begin to understand your own, as well as your partner’s, financial behaviors, values and histories early on, it can really benefit your future relationship and prevent some conflicts and really difficult discussions later,” Ford says.
Finally, move on to planning your financial future together. “Talk about what it is that you’re looking to do and accomplish through your finances and understand what your partner is looking to do, so you can try to set up a plan that mutually benefits the both of you,” Eweka says.
Part of any solid financial plan is an emergency fund. For an individual, Eweka recommends putting away at least three to six months’ worth of expenses. For a couple, the goal is the same, but since expenses for the two of you are likely to be greater, the actual dollar amount should go up as well.
Similarly, you can increase how much you’re saving for retirement and other financial goals — doubling your efforts whenever possible. “Now that you’re a couple, you have a partner to save with you and contribute to making your dreams come true,” Eweka says.
The tricky part is making sure those dreams align. You and your future spouse may have different financial goals and priorities. So your savings may remain splintered.
Another potential downside: Your partner may turn out to be a liability when it comes to taking out a loan. If one of you has a weak credit history and a correspondingly bad credit score, it may translate to a higher interest rate and more expensive debt.
The key to approaching either situation is open and honest communication. When working with his couples, Kyle Benson, a relationship coach and writer at the Gottman Institute, asks them a lot of questions about how they got into their current financial situations, why they have the goals they do and how they would feel if they couldn’t achieve them. “When they can understand and see each other’s perspectives, it makes it a lot easier for them to compromise,” he says.
[See: 9 Scary Things Consumers Do With Their Money.]
You may never agree on certain money matters. Indeed, according to Gottman’s research, 69 percent of couples’ problems are unsolvable. But that doesn’t mean they’re irreconcilable. You just need to try to understand and respect your partner’s stance.
“It’s not the issue of unsolvable problems that causes marriages to fail — it’s how couples choose to work with unsolvable problems that can cause them to fail,” Benson says. “Most often what happens is couples try to problem-solve before understanding each other, and when they do that, both partners end up getting misunderstood and then that leads to resentment.”
Once you reach an understanding about one another’s money ways, you can hatch a financial plan that works for both of you. If you have different savings goals, you can figure out how to divert money to all of them, or prioritize one to focus on before moving on to another. If one of you needs to work on your credit score, you can delay plans to buy a home and work together on boosting that score first.
You also need to revisit that plan regularly. Benson meets with his clients on a weekly basis, but you can have a money date every month, quarter, year — whatever works for you. Use these meetings to see how you’re progressing, whether you’re both still comfortable with the direction you’re heading in and make adjustments as necessary.
It may be a difficult subject to broach. But starting these money talks before you get married and continuing them throughout your relationship is necessary to maintain a happy life together.
“Talking about finances is not something to be afraid of,” Eweka says. “It’s an opportunity, and you’ll feel a whole lot better once you start having the conversation and making plans with your partner.”
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Learn How to Blend Love and Money Before Getting Married originally appeared on usnews.com
