Sibling rivalry ranks as one of the biggest challenges faced by parents of more than one child. It can begin the minute you bring your second child home and last for years.
A certain amount of sibling jealousy is normal. So a parent’s attitude toward the rivalry and ability to handle it can make all the difference in helping kids create and maintain a healthy and positive sibling bond into adulthood.
It’s important to understand that your excitement about bringing home a new baby might not be mirrored by your older child. Recognizing and addressing this is the first step in setting the foundation for a good sibling relationship. Older children might act out, regress or become clingy as they attempt to regain their equilibrium. When Mom or Dad become outwardly frustrated or angry with this behavior, it reinforces it, rather than helping the older child adjust.
[Read: How to Prepare Your Child for the Arrival of a New Baby.]
This is a time for patience and understanding. It can be especially difficult to be forgiving if your child hurts the baby. However, this is when it is most important. When a child hits, tightly squeezes or otherwise tries to hurt the baby, it’s a sign of emotional pain, not one of bad behavior. Your very best bet is to provide close supervision so that your older child doesn’t do something to the baby that you (and the older sibling) will later regret. In addition, whenever possible, focus on your older child’s positive behaviors and spend a little time alone with him or her.
In some cases, kids seem completely unmoved when a baby arrives and parents believe they have dodged the rivalry bullet. But it’s common for jealousy to suddenly raise its ugly head only when the baby gets older and becomes animated, communicative and mobile. This should be addressed with sensitivity, patience and understanding.
As your children get older, understanding and managing sibling jealousy can become more complicated because both children can feel jealous of one another — for being older, younger, smarter, more athletic, popular or even for having greater needs (due to the extra attention one may get as a result of having a disability, illness or learning or social issues).
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
By the time kids are 5 years and older, there are a few fundamental parenting strategies that are critical to reduce or eliminate serious sibling rivalry issues. Here are key ways parents can manage sibling rivalry:
Protect and nurture your children’s developmental needs. Although it’s far easier to require that your kids always “include” the other sibling, each of your children deserves the opportunity to play with friends without an older or younger sibling joining in as well. Being forced to include a sibling breeds resentment and anger, because the play can’t be age-appropriate and since friends sometimes focus their attention on the “novel” sibling.
Don’t compare your children to each other. In areas like academics, sports, popularity, behavior and physical appearance, choosing sides or pitting your kids against one another, even inadvertently, virtually guarantees a rift will develop between your children. Never tell one child to “work as hard as your brother,” “practice like your sister,” “eat more healthily, like your brother does” or “ask your sister to show you how to be more outgoing.” When parents reinforce and support these type of destructive comparisons, it damages the self-esteem of the child perceived to be less adequate and can saddle the other with immense guilt. This type of comparing can damage a sibling relationship, possibly forever. If you are struggling with the urge to compare your children, it’s advisable to seek professional help for yourself to manage your feelings.
Don’t take sides. It might appear that one child is right and the other is wrong, but in most cases it’s not so simple. You may witness one child’s bad behavior, but very often you miss the other child behaving antagonistically before that. Sibling relationships are complex, and it isn’t helpful to categorize your children as good or bad. They are each a little of both, so treat them that way.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Make consistent rules to manage repeated arguments. Who gets the favored seat at the dinner table? Sits shotgun? Gets to stay up latest? Chooses the TV show? Picks the restaurant? These arguments are ubiquitous, occurring in almost every single family with more than one child. Instead of refereeing, set some ground rules and stick to them. Here are some that have always worked for me:
— Everyone is assigned a seat at the dinner table, and this seat rotates once a month.The oldest child in the car gets to sit shotgun — no race to the front seat is necessary. (For safety reasons, younger children should typically sit in a back seat anyway.) If all kids are too young for the front, back seats should be assigned.
— Children go to sleep according to age (and based upon sleep needs): youngest first.
— The remote is managed by the parent or another person in charge. This rule is important not only so that all kids get to watch their fair share of chosen TV shows, but also to make sure that only age-appropriate shows are viewed, regardless of age.
— When eating out, everyone in the family takes turns choosing the restaurant. It’s important for kids to learn to be flexible and respect others’ wishes, as well as appreciating the privilege of eating out. For this reasons, parents and kids should rotate in determining where to eat.
— Chores are assigned according to age and skill level. For chores that can be accomplished equally by any child in the family, a rotation schedule can be implemented.
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Understanding and Managing Sibling Rivalry originally appeared on usnews.com
