Penn State student Timothy Piazza died in February after partaking in pledge bid acceptance night activities with the Beta Theta Pi fraternity. His soon-to-be frat brothers plied him with excessive alcohol, drunk themselves into oblivion, stepped over his unconscious body, delayed before calling medical help and then attempted to destroy evidence that might link their actions to his death, according to a report issued by the Pennsylvania Office of the District Attorney.
Clearly, this is not the kind of behavior we want from our boys. These are not the dreams we have for our sons.
Unfortunately, there are other examples of unthinkable behavior by young males having grave consequences for peers. There was the high profile case of the Stanford University swimmer, Brock Turner, who was convicted of sexually assaulting a woman who was passed out by a dumpster. Before that, there was the Steubenville rape case, in which multiple teenage males sexually assaulted a female classmate who was passed out.
These cases, of course, are not typical. They make headlines precisely because they represent aberrant behavior; most males do not behave this way. But if you’re the parent of a boy, you need to know that boys’ biology and social conditioning put them squarely at risk of doing some seriously stupid things, particularly during their teenage years.
Let me explain.
Neuroscience has now shown that the circuitry of the human brain does not fully mature until humans reach their 20s. Importantly, the last parts of the brain to mature are links between the prefrontal cortex, which assists in judgement and problem-solving, and the limbic system, which handles emotion and self-regulation. In other words, teenage brains are not wired for optimal decision-making or response to crisis.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Add the fact that male brains are flooded with testosterone during adolescence, and testosterone increases boys’ propensity for action and risk-taking. Studies show that a certain molecule that’s important in developing a fear response to dangerous situations is less active in adolescent male brains than in female brains and adult males. Research has also shown that teen boys are prone to overestimate the possibility of reward and underestimate the odds of something bad happening, especially when they’re around other boys.
None of this excuses the actions of the boys in that frat house. But it does help explain what we’re up against. As parents of boys, we can’t assume that our boys will make the right decisions. We have to expect that sometimes doing the right thing will be very hard for them, especially in certain circumstances.
So what can we do to build our boys’ capacity to make good choices? Here are five ideas:
Build empathy. Empathy is the capacity to feel what others’ feel, to put oneself in the shoes of another — and it’s in shockingly short supply. According to a study by the University of Michigan, students who entered college after the year 2000 have empathy levels that are 40 percent lower than previous generations of college students.
You can build empathy in your sons by modeling empathy for them. Help others. Express understanding and give others the benefit of doubt. Talk about and name feelings; boys are under so much pressure societally to suppress their emotions. Make sure your boys know that your No. 1 goal for them to is become decent human beings.
[See: 10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child.]
Value your son, not his accomplishments. When you go on and on to others about your son’s grades, athletic accolades or starring roles, your child gets the message that his accomplishments are what you value about him. Of course it’s OK to be proud of your son and to share your pride in what he’s accomplished. The challenge is to balance that with acknowledgement of his value as a human being, separate from anything he’s done.
Your son needs to know that he’s loved unconditionally. So hug him. Say “I love you.” Show an interest in his interests, and make time to have fun with him.
Ditch all-or-nothing thinking. This type of mentality is pervasive in our culture. People are good or bad. Drugs are bad. Alcohol is bad before age 21, when it’s apparently fine. Sex is bad; hence, the emphasis in so many sex ed and health classes on scary sexually transmitted diseases and little to no conversation about why someone might want to have sex and when it might be a good choice.
These kinds of messages aren’t helpful to our boys, who know they don’t represent the whole truth and tune out when they suspect they’re getting a skewed message designed to direct their behavior. A better option is to discuss these issues openly with your boys, sharing nuance.
Acknowledge good choices. My sons do about 893 things wrong a day. They leave the milk out on the table, don’t start (or finish) their homework, fail to tell me where they’re going or neglect to feed the dog. I’m sure your boys make their share of mistakes as well.
But while it’s natural to point these out, we need to make sure to acknowledge the good things they do as well. Praise your son when he helps someone else. (Insider tip: Mention his good deed to someone else when you know he’s listening. He’ll be thrilled!) Thank him for helping you with the groceries or yard work.
Accept and encourage efforts to go against the grain. This one is tough, but essential. If we want sons who are willing to stand up to their peers, we need to encourage — not squash — our boys’ efforts to go against the grain. This isn’t easy, because they practice their skills by going against us, their parents.
[Read: 9 Ways to Cultivate Courage in Kids.]
You may tell your son to do something, and he may say he knows a better way or question why he has to do it in the first place. Boys often do the same thing at school. But questioning authority and asserting independence are essential skills, so tread carefully. Acknowledge your son’s queries. Express pride and appreciation in his efforts to question the status quo. Support him when you see him making hard choices, especially if those choices set him apart from his peers.
We can’t guarantee that our boys will always make good choices, but we can build boys’ skills — and collectively increase boys’ capacity for good.
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5 Ways to Help Boys Make Good Choices originally appeared on usnews.com
