The best time to think about co-parenting with your former partner or spouse is while you negotiate the parenting agreement — which will spell out your parenting time schedules and decision-making responsibilities — and related financial matters, like child support.
This is also the perfect time to make the attitude adjustments necessary to ensure the success of your co-parenting efforts. Both parents must carefully consider how they will communicate with one another and talk about each other with the kids.
Here are some recommendations to consider:
Keep your feelings about the “other parent” out of your kids’ heads and hearts. It’s expected that both of you will continue to grapple with feelings of betrayal, anger or abandonment. But behaving in ways that show your kids your “true” feelings about the other parent will guarantee co-parenting failure.
Co-parenting requires maturity and dignity. Your ex isn’t interested in listening to a rehash about your feelings. Keep the focus on what’s going on with your kids. Intense expressions of anger or rage are not an appropriate part of co-parenting.
Of course, your feelings deserve respect and attention. Find appropriate outlets to express these feelings. Venting online in ways easily accessed by your kids only adds to their post-breakup burdens. Brief issue-focused therapy or a local support group may be better options.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Maintain respect for the other parent. The ability to praise, respect and express appreciation for the other parent characterizes all successful co-parenting relationships. Sometimes a bit of encouragement creates needed positive change. After all, the carrot always works better than the stick.
Open lines of communication. Many marriages and relationships perish from lack of communication. If poor communication contributed to your breakup, resolve to make open communication about your kids a key priority.
Approach co-parenting communication in a business-like way. Some parents find scheduling a weekly status meeting helpful. Explore online resources for parenting time scheduling, and share updates about kids’ activities and things like parent-teacher conferences. Emailing and leaving the occasional voice message work well for many cooperative co-parents.
[Read: How to Stay Healthy During a Divorce.]
Prepare for change. Nothing is more certain in life than change. Your ability to co-parent successfully depends largely on your willingness to accept that most aspects of your life will radically change.
In fact, the very fear of change explains why so many people stay in unfulfilling or even abusive relationships.
But it’s really best for you and your kids to tackle the changes ahead, so everyone can move forward.
Encourage your kids to express their worries and concerns. Give your kids ample opportunities to express their feelings about how their day-to-day lives will change.
Your kids will want to know the nuts and bolts of the new co-parenting agreement. Young kids will want to know if they’ll still go trick-or-treating and how Santa Claus and the tooth fairy will find them. Older kids will want to know when and how transitions from one home to another will take place. Expect pointed questions about where family pets will live.
[See: 12 Questions You Should Ask Your Kids at Dinner.]
It’s likely you won’t have instant answers for every question your kids ask. Reassure your kids that you may not have an answer now, but you will discuss their concerns with the other parent. Make sure they know that it’s more than OK with you if they have the same conversation with their other parent.
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5 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting originally appeared on usnews.com
