I have been known to tell parents that bringing a second child into the family is more of an adjustment than having a first child.
Ranked high among the challenges is the job of helping your first child adjust to being an older sibling. This is an undeniably important task, since a positive adjustment can set your children up to have a good relationship through their childhood years, rather than one fraught with jealousy, competitiveness and resentment.
[See: The 11 Most Dangerous Places in Your Home for Babies and Small Kids.]
Your To-Do List Before the Baby Is Born
Preparation must begin before the new baby’s arrival, starting with choosing the right time to break the big news to your child. A good rule of thumb is that the younger your child, the longer you should wait. Young children do not have a good concept of time, so once you tell them the news, they will expect that the baby will arrive tomorrow or the next day. Eight or nine months is too long for a 3- or 4-year old to wait. But if you have an older child, you will want to tell them sooner to give them more time to participate in the preparations for the baby’s arrival. Certainly, as your belly grows, even a child as young as 3 may begin to wonder what you are hiding from her. Also, until your child has been told the news, be selective about sharing it to ensure that she doesn’t hear the news from a friend or relative before you tell her.
You may feel thrilled to be growing your family, but once you tell your child that he is going to have a baby sibling, be prepared for emotions other than happiness. It’s not unusual for a child’s initial reaction to be not wanting the baby — perceiving the addition as ruining a perfectly good family in which attention, toys and time don’t have to be shared.
You may feel disappointed or be concerned that your child isn’t happy, but it’s important not to pressure him into wanting the baby or induce feelings of guilt over not having a happy response to the news. Rather, give your child time and space to get used to the idea of having a sister or brother. As he becomes accustomed to this idea, anger and anxiety will begin to dissipate. To speed up the adjustment process, this is an excellent time to begin talking about how lucky the baby will be to have such an awesome big sibling. You can tell your child you can’t wait for him to teach the baby how to share, brush teeth, read books together at bedtime and build with blocks.
To support your child’s adjustment, it’s critical to consider the timing of changes in your family. For example, many parents want to move their first child into a bed in order to have the crib for the new baby. However, it’s important that you don’t tell your child that the change is being made for the baby. Rather, focus on the idea of “growing up,” that your child is becoming a “big girl” or “big boy,” and don’t mention that the baby needs the crib.
If you do feel that your child is ready, make the change at least three months before the baby is due to arrive. It’s best to actually take the crib apart and put it away (you can let your child help), and then when the time comes, put it back together for the baby. These steps are important so that your child won’t feel pushed out of her space to make room for the baby. (Also, as a reminder, don’t forget to put guardrails on the bed during the transition.)
Children younger than 2 years, may not be ready for a bed yet, and you shouldn’t move a young child prematurely. It will be exhausting for you because they will be unlikely to stay put, and it could be dangerous for the child to be unsupervised outside of the confines of a crib. In situations like this you’re better off borrowing a crib from someone for the new baby. Similarly, you can’t expect your older child to give up the pacifier or using a bottle right as you’re giving one to the baby. Either wean your child long before the baby’s arrival, or don’t expect to wean for about the first year.
[See: How to Smoothly Transition Your Child From the Crib to a Bed.]
After the Baby Arrives
While congrats are certainly in order, you are exhausted, cranky and — admit it — this isn’t nearly as much fun as it was the first time. There’s no time at all to rest, and your formally sweet first child has become moody, cranky, clingy and difficult.
First, let me reassure you that your child’s reaction is typical. Young children — even those with excellent verbal skills — don’t have the ability to articulate complex emotions such as jealousy over the new baby getting so much attention, stress related to how this affects his schedule, confusion about what all the changes mean, and even fear when, for example, a child may wonder if a baby will ever stop crying. Kids are much better at expressing their feelings through their behavior. When your child’s behavior changes dramatically, like from being independent to clingy, it’s a good indication that something is bothering her. Offer reassurance that you will always have enough love, space on your lap and time for all your kids. You may need to say these sort of things many times in many different ways.
Even though you’re tired and yourself adjusting to substantial changes, it’s important to do your best to maintain your older child’s schedule, continue routines such as bedtime reading, meals together and playtime with you. Fortunately, newborns are fairly accommodating — happy to watch a board game if you rock their seat, or nap in the stroller while you push the park swing. Of course you will want to meet all the needs of your newborn. But in many ways, you will want to make your older child the priority, since this will go a long way to keep from fueling jealousy or resentment.
By the time most children are in elementary school, they are involved in their own academic and social lives. Developmentally, they are moving towards more independence. The addition of a baby may not really be perceived as a threat because, unlike younger children, older ones are not dependent on their parents for everything. On the other hand, some older children do struggle with the idea that they will suddenly have to share their parents, but they have the benefit of advanced verbal skills to communicate their feelings. So, if your children are more than five years apart, it becomes even more important to make the older child’s schedule and needs a priority. This may mean taking the baby to ballet or soccer practice. Luckily, a baby is very flexible and will probably enjoy just being near the older sibling. Older children can also more easily be included in caring for the baby, but only if it’s what they want.
If this is a third or fourth child, sometimes parents underestimate the impact of a new baby, assuming their kids are already used to having a sibling. In truth, a new baby triggers significant changes in your life and the lives of your children. While they may be used to sharing, they don’t really realize how much time and energy a baby can take. Furthermore, it will take the same special attention to make sure your youngest child — no matter the child’s age — doesn’t feel replaced by the new baby. You may also find that having three or more kids is much harder to juggle than two, because you are always outnumbered. Preparation is important with each new addition to your family so that everyone can have the most positive experience possible.
Finally, regardless of how many kids you already have, new babies are a cute novelty, receive many gifts and garner lots of attention. This is bound to trigger jealousy for all older siblings.
Many people are aware of how difficult it is for older siblings, and bring a big brother or big sister gift. These people are to be complimented for their sensitivity. However, there are still many times when only the baby gets a gift. There are a few ways to handle this. If your older child doesn’t see the gift, put it away quickly and open it later. You will have to explain this to the giver, who may then remember an older sibling gift the next time visiting a new baby. If your child sees the gift, you should allow him or her to open it for the baby. Often, the thrill is in the ripping of paper, not the gift itself, and if the gift is clothes this won’t be considered much of a gift to the older child anyway. If it’s a baby toy, allow your older child to play with it without restriction. This will eliminate jealousy that the baby got something that’s not to be shared.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
This is not the time for teaching lessons about giving and receiving gifts. It is absolutely fine for you to keep a supply of inexpensive gifts on hand to give to your older child at a time like this. You can pull one out whenever you feel your child has had to endure enough attention given to the baby. Make sure you tell the child that the gift is for being a terrific big sibling and a great kid!
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How to Prepare Your Child for the Arrival of a New Baby originally appeared on usnews.com
