You thought your parenting days were over.
In some sense, they are. In other ways, parenting resumes when your college grad returns to the nest. Living together again can be disruptive and upsetting. But, it doesn’t have to be.
Mom and Dad as a Lifeline
More college grads are settling — and staying — in their childhood bedrooms, the ones you may already have transformed into an office, den or guestroom. According to a Pew Research Center report, the number of recent graduates and those up to age 34 who live with their parents has reached levels not seen since the 1940s.
A Harris Poll conducted last year for the American Institute of CPAs found that more than a third of college students who enrolled in the fall of 2015 plan to live at home following graduation due to student loan debt.
The Institute for College Access and Success reported that “at the college level, average debt at graduation ranged from $3,000 to $53,000.” Nearly 7 out of every 10, or 68 percent, of college seniors who graduated from public and private non-profit colleges in 2015 had student loan debt; and those grads owed, on average, more than $30,000 — a 4 percent increase from the average debt the year before. Those attending for-profit colleges likely carry higher debt obligations.
When student loan debt is coupled with high rents and less than ideal job opportunities, it becomes understandable that grads move home after college. The trend of marrying and starting a family later has also helped spike the number of graduates who return to and remain in their parents’ homes.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
You Can Go Home Again
In the 1960s, independence was the goal to strive for, and returning home was unthinkable. If children didn’t find jobs and live independently after college, parents were seen as enablers, and the children as failures. That stigmatized view has faded.
The sweeping shift in attitude about having a young adult return to the nest — making it acceptable, and even desirable — came about in part because parent-child relationships are more democratic than they were generations ago. The research for my book, ” Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)Learning to Live Together Happily,” underscores the change: Parents and kids get along, making the arrangement more pleasant and the pressure to move out less intense.
Nonetheless, old buttons will be pushed, habits that drove you crazy before will rear up, and different approaches will be needed. So it’s important to be prepared for your child’s homecoming, and employ some strategies to keep the peace.
[Read: Young Adults and Low-Cost Health Insurance.]
9 Tips for Living Together Harmoniously
Accept that this is not the same person who left. Your college grad may have new likes and dislikes, keep strange (to you) hours, and have new or unusual food preferences and different needs that as a parent you will want to respect.
Create an exit plan. Do this early on to keep your college grad motivated and working toward independence. It shouldn’t be a hard-and-fast deadline, but a time frame you all agree on, and within which you expect your child to leave. With a hoped-for plan in place, your son or daughter has a goal to work toward. Without it, you run the risk of allowing him or her to coast along and take advantage of the good things you provide. Revisit it again in six months and adjust as needed.
Abandon your commander-in-chief role. You probably will be unsuccessful if you tell your young adult to clean his room. But you can respect his privacy by staying out of his room and explaining that keeping it clean and tidy is his responsibility.
Avoid the parent-child trap. Your college grad is not a guest. As parents, we want to take care of our children no matter what their ages. Be wary of slipping back into doing everything for your child as you might have done when he was an 8-year-old. Instead, require reasonable chores and participation in managing your household.
Ask for what you want. No one is a mind reader. Don’t let tensions build. If something annoys you, say so. Make your expectations clear about common courtesies, like calling if he will not be home for dinner or to sleep.
Stay away from old trigger topics. Her weight or how she dresses, his friends, her laziness or controlling ways — once hot button issues in your family are best set aside.
Be sensitive to your college grad’s pressures or disappointments. Be they related to the job hunt, romance or feeling distraught by not moving ahead quickly, be thoughtful and considerate if you choose to broach any sensitive subjects.
Be patient. Understand that there will be an adjustment period, so give it time. Living together will work if parents and children agree that the arrangement is the most sensible for now.
Maintain your social life. It’s important to see your friends and remain involved in whatever you did before your child returned home. In short, retain your separate life. At some point, your college grad will move out.
[See: 10 Fun Kid Activities for Adult Bodies and Minds.]
The Pay Off for Parents
Being home provides a comfort zone for college grads to get on their feet. At the same time, it’s an opportunity to get to know each other better as people and enrich your lifelong relationship.
If you wrestle with the question of being a safety net for your college grad or hit some potholes in getting along, think long term. In 1971, the Longitudinal Study of Generations began examining relationships in families and how they change over time. That and similar studies found that the longer parents support their grown children, the more likely they are to help their parents financially — and emotionally — in parents’ later years. In other words, take care of your college grad now, and he or she will take care of you later.
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9 Ways to Live With Your College Grad Again originally appeared on usnews.com
