Right now, you can predict the future. You already know the next tussle you’re going to get into with your child.
How is it you’re so prescient? Because the next disagreement between you and your child will be exactly like the last one. It doesn’t matter what the argument is. It could be about completing homework, going to bed, cleaning a bedroom, getting ready for school or a thousand other common scrabbles that occur daily between parents and children.
Even though you know that the chances are very good that this next tug-of-war is going to happen again, you probably have done nothing to prevent it other than hope for the best, and wish that your child would change.
I have a better idea. Why not work with your child now to prevent the next, predictable unpleasant encounter?
Try this instead: Arrange a meeting with all of the usual people involved in the recurring discord. Meet at a time when everyone feels good and isn’t already in conflict — and far removed from the time when the predictable conflict is likely to occur. Sunday afternoons can be ideal, but you need to decide when that magical time is within your family.
[See: 10 Concerns Parents Have About Their Kids’ Health.]
Spend some time explaining the existing problem, as you see it. Don’t blame anyone, just explain that, for example, “Bedtime is consistently unpleasant and seems to regularly turn into an argument. Let’s see if we can create a plan for success to solve this ongoing problem.”
Next, each person — including you — gets to describe exactly how the ideal bedtime (or whatever the scenario that typically involves conflict) would go. It helps if you go first. Describe in detail what you want, what you would do and what you want your child and others involved to do — from the beginning to the happy ending.
Now ask your child to do the same. What does he want? What would he do? What does he want you to do? Ask for a description that’s as thorough as possible so everyone understands the child’s point of view. He is describing what life would be like if the problem is solved and you are all living with the perfect solution. Now ask the others who are usually involved in the conflict to do the same.
No one is allowed to object or blame anyone for why the problem presently exists. If your child says he wants a later bedtime, assuring you he would go directly to bed without any problems, let him complete his thought. And then firmly explain that for now you are working on solving the bedtime problem in general. Make a plan with your child to deal with a bedtime change at another time, and follow through later. For now, you are all working on solving the present bedtime problem.
Luckily you all will probably arrive at very similar pictures. Now you can all plan together exactly what you will each do, including everyone’s ideas, to make this dream come true. At this point your child will enthusiastically plan a good, smooth, cooperative bedtime, because it’s not currently bedtime. She is not presently involved with anything else more interesting.
[Read: Why You Shouldn’t Spank Your Child — and What to Do Instead.]
Here is the most important thing you need to know: This plan will probably not work! You and your child have gotten into the old, uncooperative and conflicted routine. It will take time and practice before the new plan becomes routine. But together you can all evaluate how well the plan worked. Don’t blame anyone or accuse anyone of not following the plan. Each of you will answer these questions: “Did the plan work?” “Was the plan a good plan?” “Are we willing to try again?”
You may need to make some slight adjustments to the plan with others’ input. But if possible, you want to keep the original plan that you agreed upon. Don’t be discouraged when things don’t come together just so even on a second or third try. It’s likely they won’t. Instead, be patient and persevere.
Too often the reason plans don’t succeed is because adults give up too soon. A parent tries two or three times without success and then falls back into the old, unpleasant habit because it takes less time. But that’s more stressful than continuing to work out a new way. Sometimes children rely on their parents giving up. It’s less work and effort for them, too. But if you persevere, this new plan will work.
I guarantee you that eventually you will succeed. I cannot tell you how long it will take. But I promise it will take longer than you want it to, but not as long as you fear. After all, how long did it take your child to learn to stand alone, walk without assistance or speak so others could understand? Learning takes time.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
Once you solve your present problem, you can use this same process to deal with the next issue that arises. So instead of predicting the next conflict between you and your child, you can plan ahead for success.
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How to Put Recurring Conflicts With Your Child to Bed originally appeared on usnews.com
