Have you ever been inspired by a role model? Has one ever disappointed you? What does it mean when someone you look up to — whether he or she is in the public eye — falls short of your expectations?
It’s natural and healthy for people to want and have role models at every stage of life, says Mayra Mendez, a psychotherapist in Santa Monica, California. “It happens quite naturally with development. Your first role models are your caregivers, the people who feed you and protect you, often your parents. We learn how to interpret the world, what facial expressions and words mean, from them. We learn from them how to manage stress and day-to-day problem-solving. People in their teen years are looking to expand their lives and are susceptible to celebrities as role models.”
As people get older, their choice of role models tends to change, says Mendez, who is also program coordinator of intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental health services at Providence Saint John’s Child and Family Development Center. “We’re always evolving, we’re not a finished product, we’re changing until the end of [our] lives,” she says. “We’re always looking up to somebody and finding new people to look up to.” Deciding whom to look up to and how much weight to give those people in your own life can be complicated, experts say. A debate over whether people should look to celebrities as role models, for example, has raged for years.
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In a famous 1993 TV commercial, NBA star Charles Barkley declared: “I am not a role model. I’m not paid to be a role model. I’m paid to wreak havoc on a basketball court.” This was Barkley’s response to the criticism of some pundits that he wasn’t always setting a good example for youngsters. (During a game in 1991, Barkley, then with the Philadelphia 76ers, spat in the direction of a fan who was verbally abusing him and hit an 8-year-old girl instead. In 1992, Milwaukee police arrested Barkley after the basketball star allegedly broke the nose of a man outside a tavern during an altercation.)
Barkley was correct — up to a point, experts say. There’s nothing wrong with looking up to famous athletes, musicians or actors for the hard work they put into becoming good at their craft or for the way they handle adversity, including health challenges such as cancer, alcoholism, drug addiction and mental illness, experts say. For example, actress Angelina Jolie was widely applauded for disclosing in 2013 that she was having a double-mastectomy because she has the BRCA1 gene, which puts her at heightened risk for breast cancer. TV news anchor Katie Couric raised awareness of screening for colon cancer by having a colonoscopy on NBC’s “Today Show” in 2000.
Nor is there anything wrong with looking up to celebrities for their good work, says Caroline Crawford, program director for the Girls Empowerment Network in Austin, Texas. A case in point is pop star and actress Miley Cyrus. In 2015, Cyrus launched the Happy Hippie Foundation, a nonprofit that helps homeless youth, the LGBTQ community and other underserved people. You don’t have to admire everything Cyrus does in her life, Crawford says, but you can appreciate the charitable work she’s doing on behalf of vulnerable populations.
Whether you admire a pop star, a famous basketball player or a parent, teacher or coach, choosing a role model can be a tricky proposition. Experts suggest these strategies for making smart choices:
Choose someone whose values you admire. “That could be someone who teaches you values or reinforces values that are important to you, that can help you deal with life’s disappointments, challenges and successes,” Mendez says. For instance, as a college student, Mendez says she was inspired to work with people who have mental health challenges by a professor who’d lost most of his immediate family to cancer, yet maintained a positive spirit and radiated emotional balance.
[See: 11 Simple, Proven Ways to Optimize Your Mental Health.]
Learn as much as you can about how your role models succeed. If you look up to someone like a parent or teacher, ask how he achieved his personal and professional goals and how he handles challenges and disappointments. If your role model is someone you know but aren’t close to, such as a work peer or colleague, tell her you’d like to learn from her experiences and offer to take her to coffee or lunch. “At a certain point in life, once they’ve achieved a certain level of success, most people want to pass along what they’ve learned,” says Anita Gahdia-Smith, a psychotherapist who practices in suburban Maryland and the District of Columbia.
You can also reach out to celebrity role models by sending them an email, Facebook message or tweet. Even if you don’t get a response, you can often learn about how they achieved success and handled challenges through articles, books, TED talks online and TV interviews.
Look for role models in your various communities. “It could be someone you work with who you admire, the leader of a spiritual community, a fellow member of a 12-step recovery program or a church, a yoga or meditation community,” Gahdia-Smith says. “Look for someone who has experience and the kind of life you want and who seems interested in connecting with other people.”
Consider role models who have skills or traits you’d like to develop. If there’s a particular skill you’d like to develop, look for a role model who’s good at that, says Adam Goodman, director of Northwestern University’s Center for Leadership. The role model doesn’t have to be in a profession you aspire to, he says. For instance, if you want to become more effective and comfortable with providing a dissenting voice, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg — who’s known for writing powerful dissenting opinions — could be a good role model even if you have no aspiration to become a judge.
You might also find possible role models in groups or individuals that promote specific types of careers or skills. For example, Barrington Irving flew around the world solo in 2007 at age 23, becoming the youngest person at the time to do so and the first African-American to accomplish that. He talks to schoolkids and community college students around the country about careers in the field of aviation, using science, technology, engineering and math skills, or STEM abilities, as part of a program called Dream and Soar. He typically talks to classes for about an hour and 15 minutes, after which he takes questions, says Scott Sobel, a consultant for Mitsubishi Heavy Industries America, which sponsors the program.
Seek a mix of male and female role models. “It’s very valuable to have role models from both genders, because men and women have different strengths,” Gahdia-Smith says. “Women tend to be good at communicating, nurturing and self-care. Men tend to be good at being independent and figuring out how to make their way in the world. We need to integrate both male and female strengths in order to be balanced and fully self-actualized human beings.”
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Don’t put your role model on a pedestal. Whether a role model is a celebrity or someone in your life, remember he or she is human and therefore fallible. Don’t expect or require perfection from someone you look up to. You may be able to learn a lot by how that person handles failures and challenges.
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6 Tips for Choosing a Good Role Model originally appeared on usnews.com
