Do you believe that all people should tell the truth all of the time? Do you believe it’s always wrong to lie? Most people hold this belief, whether from a moral, religious or ethical point of view. Parents seem especially convinced of this immutable position for their children.
But let’s take this out of the realm of parenting and children for a moment. Have you ever told a lie? Are you lying right now when you tell me you have never lied? All people do it. Sometimes you lie to protect another person’s feelings, or to protect against potential consequences, including the effect it might have on your wallet. Some people tell lies to the IRS to avoid paying taxes. Others may have finally decided to stop being deceitful because their frequent lying harmed a relationship, hurt their reputation or bothered their conscience.
If you know all people lie, and even admit to yourself that you have told lies, why do you hope, expect and teach your children not to lie? One of the reasons parents may be so insistent their kids tell the truth is that children are often able to lie and get away with it. This can have consequences which go beyond a parent’s reprimand, from leaving children more vulnerable to risks they may encounter without proper supervision to damaging relationships.
[See: 10 of the Biggest Health Threats Facing Your Kids This School Year.]
The purpose of lying is to get what you want without getting caught. When a child lies, and gets away with it, your daughter gets to hang out at the mall even though you’ve told her not to. Or your son rides his bicycle through the forbidden woods that is his shortcut. And when children don’t get caught lying, they’re able to maintain the approval and respect of their parents.
What is a parent to do? How can you make your children tell the truth? You can’t!
Children want what they want, just like adults. But children also want their parents to love, accept and approve and be proud of them as well. Lying, like any behavior, is an attempt to get what we want and need.
If you’ve ever tried punishing your child for lying, you know that this often doesn’t work. Instead children become sneakier and better liars. Also, as a caveat, you shouldn’t punish young children for telling tall tales. That’s because it’s normal for your toddler or pre-school-age child to avoid telling the truth. You probably even know when your child is telling an unlikely story. Asking a young child to discern the truth from a story is asking too much. You rely on this magic when you tell your children about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. Your child relies on this magic, too. And it’s important to encourage kids’ to use their imagination.
For older, school-age children, what you can do is influence them to become people who tell the truth. You can help your child become a person of integrity, where her word is her bond, and help ensure your child’s honor and reputation remain intact. Because your child seeks your love and approval, you are able to influence you child to tell the truth instead of lying. But this needs to be talked about and taught. It won’t happen by accident.
Teach your children about the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie. Ask them, “How do you feel inside when you know you have told me something that isn’t true? Does it feel good that you got away with it? Does it also feel bad and are you sad that you’ve stolen a piece of the trust I have in you?”
[Read: How to Provide the Validation Your Child Needs.]
Ask your child to please tell you the truth, especially at times you think lying might be an option your child is considering. You don’t have to threaten, just make the request: “This might be a time when you are considering telling me a lie instead of the truth. I’d appreciate it if you would tell me the truth. Then together we can work out what to do next.” Remember, you can’t force your child to be truthful.
Avoid telling lies yourself. If you have real examples from your life when you were tempted to tell a lie but avoided it, bring this up as part of the family’s normal, casual conversation: “My boss asked me if I had completed the report she’s been asking me for today. I’m almost finished but wanted to lie and tell her yes, just so she’d get off my back. But then I realized that was silly. I told her the truth: ‘I’m almost done.'”
Read books and tell stories about the internal struggle to lie or tell the truth. The boy who cried wolf is probably the best known tale about this moral dilemma. However, there are many more. Ask your librarian to help you find age-appropriate stories on the subject for your child. Current events provide many examples of people in all walks of life who have been caught in a lie, or cheating. Remember the Georgia teachers who were accused of lying about students’ test results and got caught? Talking about these kinds of news stories is a great opportunity to have a family discussion about honesty, lying, cheating and telling the truth. Instead of moralizing, ask your teenager her opinion, and encourage your preteen to share his thoughts.
Honesty and trust need to be talked about, connected, respected and celebrated. Help your child understand that trust is a gift you give freely. Help your child understand that when he lies, or she is dishonest, your willingness to trust your child is damaged. One lie, one moment of dishonesty does not destroy your trust. But repeated moments of dishonesty and lying really harm the relationship you have with each other. Point out that you would expect the same in return; if you lie or cheat, you know your child will be less likely to trust you.
[See: How to Be a Good Listener.]
Help your child learn through your shared experiences that telling the truth is best because it strengthens your relationship. Ultimately, you have a great deal of influence when it comes to helping your child become the honest, trustworthy person you hoped to raise.
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Do Your Children Tell the Truth? originally appeared on usnews.com
